What happens when you continue to pour into the lives of those you care about, but very few, if any, pour back into you? That sense and feeling of being taken for granted, feeling unappreciated heightens. Now, to be clear, I’m not the guy who does things for people or to people just to get adulation or praise. Nor am I attempting to be rewarded in excess of what I’ve given. What I do want is for there to be acknowledgement and appreciation for the efforts and output that I provide.

It’s not about giving me, sending me, funding me. It is about showing me, remembering me, reciprocating to me what was done to you. As someone who has been in the fatherhood role since, I was 19, I understand how sacrificing it is to take people into your world, into your home and give of yourself without expecting anything in return. What you do expect, is to be given the proper respect and treatment as someone who occupies that role in someone’s life. What do I mean then, if I’m not looking for financial reward or anything in that vein. Well, how about remembering my birthday. Maybe taking me to a nice meal or cooking one for me to show your appreciation. You could buy me flowers, or my favorite sweets or snacks.

It has not and will not be able how much you spent, or how grand the gesture was/is. Yes, a big, fancy something is nice, and I will always appreciate those gestures. But sometimes the small things make an even bigger impact because it shows that you know me, and that you care. Here is an example, one of my closest friends decided he wanted to thank me for all that I had done for him over the years. He decided that one year for Father’s Day, he was going to come and cook and spread for me and my closest friends. I already had the food in my house, so what he brought was his time and talents. It took him hours to prepare, cook and serve the meal. That was so special to me. I was moved and appreciative because that showed me his true love and appreciation for me. It wasn’t that he spent lots of time, he spent his precious time. You can get money back, time you cannot.

The truth of the matter is I’ve never had a grand gesture done for me by anyone that I’ve poured into. All that I know is the small, but powerful, selfless acts of giving of time and talents to show love and appreciation for me. Maybe that’s a good thing, and maybe it’s not. I really don’t know that answer. What I do know, however, is even those small acts have been missing in action for years now. There are so many people that I’ve chosen to give my time, talents, knowledge, money, and home, to ensure advancement of themselves. Not so that they return the favor, but to see them grow. And to hopefully, one day, be shown a modicum of appreciation for the opportunities or doors opened.

Some may say your speaking hypocritically, because you say you don’t do things to receive things, but you’re speaking about feeling unappreciated because no one has done anything for you. My response to that is this… if all you do is pour out and no one is pouring into you, eventually you will run out of juice. Balance in life is something that is required. Giving too much and receiving too little, that runs you down. Taking too much and sharing too little, makes you look selfish, and can eventually run you down. When there is a healthy give and take, it keeps the balance that is needed to pour out and to be poured into.

So right now, I feel unappreciated. There has been too much pouring and not enough poured. I’m not going to go around asking for appreciation. I believe that all people know when someone has been significant in their lives. We know the people that go above and beyond, that are there for us when there is no one else. You know that you should treat me with the special care that is deserved. If you don’t when you have the chance, what does that say about you? What should it say to that individual? Should they stop being that vessel? Or should they limit the resources they provide?

I wrestle with this issue because honestly, I am and have always been a giver. I don’t look for people to return to me the way I give to them. But I do, at times, think about why people are so resistant to showing the affection that they receive from me. I guess when I’m unable to pour into them because I’m not able to, or because I’m no longer alive to do so, they will appreciate what was done for them. It sucks that people really won’t appreciate you until your dead.

For better or worse, we remember the first-time things happened to us. Be it the first time we got a boyfriend or girlfriend. The first time someone hurt your feelings. The first time you had a crush. The first time someone you like, liked you back. The first time you kissed someone. The first time your hormones showed up. The first time you got in trouble at school. The first time you had sex. The first time you got your nut. The first time you had a relationship. The first heartbreak. The first time a friend crossed you. The first time you were seriously lied to. The first time someone brought you something. The first time someone negatively hurt you. The first time you were rejected. The first time you were disappointed. The first time you became a parent. And the list goes on.

No matter which of those firsts mentioned above applies to you, you have experience with positive and negative feelings around the first time you did something, or had felt something, or had something happen to, by, for, with, or against you. It’s my feeling that when you experience too many of these firsts in a negative sense too quickly, it stigmatizes you against someone or something. Conversely, when you experience too many positive first too soon it gives you false sense of security or deepens your naivety about life. Some may say I’m wrong. You can’t have a negative blow back for experiencing too much positivity. On one hand I say, maybe you’re right. On the other hand, I say you’re wrong.

The balance in positive and negative experiences seems to be how life should work. The truth is sometimes these firsts happen in a vacuum that doesn’t allow for perspective, or steady remembrance that the journey of life will have multiple highs and lows. I think back to many of the first times in my adult life and maybe that explains why I’ve had so many issues trusting people as I’ve gotten older. Too many times I’ve believed the better in people and they show themselves to be other than what they appeared. Causing some painful firsts to happen that’s made those that have come after them suffer because of the trauma caused.

When you’ve been impacted by too many negatives early in life, it shapes how you see people and things in life as you grow. When you experience them in midst of your development, it can stunt you deeper than you believe. Let me also say that it matters who the person is that does this first to or for you. When you are affirmed by someone you care about it makes you feel even better than if it was a complete stranger. Similarly, when someone close to you wrongs you for the first time, it leaves a scar that’s deeper than what a stranger’s cross does. If a lover cheats on you for the first time, you feel that pain much deeper, than someone you’re just dating or someone you’re in an entanglement with.

There are two people who did two devastating firsts to me that I was unprepared for, and never expected to have happen. I truly believe that those two events happening enhanced some of my negative, pessimistic, and highly sexualized demeanor I carry for most men. When you put the best of you out there for the world’s consumption, and you get fucked over for your innocence, it strips away how much you open yourself. It begins to plant seeds of doubt and questions about you, and definitely about the intentions of others. It can lead to a drip, drip of poor choices that you have look up and wake up from.

Working through the traumas of my adult life have been extremely difficult. Admitting to my own role in some of the negatives and reminding myself of my self-worth with some of the positives, has been a bit challenging. Support systems, access to consistent and relatable therapy services are critical to maneuvering and successfully navigating through these emotional times in life. If you start to have these firsts happen too quickly, make sure you have people in your corner to talk to. Some who can help keep you grounded when you start floating, and others who can keep you lifted when you feel driven into the ground.

Love on yourself, respect yourself, and reassure yourself. These firsts are necessary and also dangerous traps in life. Can you relate?