One of the most challenging things about actively living with dueling personalities is that they clash so frequently that finding a happy balance is increasingly difficult to accomplish. I struggle on a, damn near, everyday basis to meet the required need of both people that control the space in my brain. Someone might read this opening and ‘What the fuck did he just say?” And someone else might read it and go “that sounds just like me.” Wherever you fit on that spectrum know that there are more people like me than unlike me, they just might be unaware of it.

Ironically enough I have no idea when these two people split and became fully independent people living within my body. I’m not sure who came first, but I do who is most dominant. Yet, I’m not really sure of the actions of which person sometimes because it’s like there are moments when they’re moving on one accord, with one mind and purpose. Then, there are times where I know these two motha fuckers are battling it out to determine who will have the final say of the day. I’m never one to make a scene of what’s going on in my mind and in my body. I prefer to quietly manage these two individuals and hope to force a balance of what they want. There was a time where I was successful in this approach. I was able to fully integrate the needs and wants of both people into a day, or a week, or a month. Now, it doesn’t work at all and I feel like sometimes I lose the fight and it scares me because I fear that one is sabotaging the other, which in the end will fuck me over and destroy all I’m working to rebuild again, from a failed attempt to appease one person more than the other.

The funny thing about me and the people that reside in my head is that they attract vastly different people when they’re in control of things. One version of me attracts the quiet, shy, reserved guy. If you met him in the streets, he’s going to steal the show because his light shines bright from the background. He’s loyal, humble and respectful. That type of guy appeals to me in so many ways. It fits the balance that needs to be had because I tend to be very eccentric and outgoing. I don’t mind walking into any room, anywhere, and owning that bitch. So, to have someone on my side who doesn’t need or want that shine on that level is a bonus. On the other side, the other person attracts the same type of personality as me. The guy is outgoing and loud in his own right. His light shines bright, and he tends to be a little more ratchet than what is comfortable for me, but I appreciate it because it shows me my abilities and my limits with people. It allows me to demonstrate my true dominant nature, because to have influence in that situation, my dominance must be consistent.

Aside from the vast difference in guys I attract when each one is in control, my actions, emotions, needs, wants, and desires shift also. One version of me is satisfied with a under the radar life. I’m not being checked for regularly. People aren’t trying to find out what I’m doing, who I’m doing it with, and where I’m doing it at. Conversely, the other man in my brain wants to live life! Have more, be more, do more. The odd thing is that I feel comfortable in both settings. When the more extroverted person is out, I can pretty comfortably ride in that space as well. More eyes become fixed on me and there are more conversations had about me, and what I’m doing. The difficult part is getting the calm, introverted person to go along with the extroverted person, that’s where all the issues begin. To slow down or to speed up, and when to do each one leads to so many interesting conversations in my head, and probably some missed opportunities along the way.

One factor that impacted the rate of growth in my life was the lack of completion of my college degree. Admitting this today is not difficult, but it comes with a little trepidation. When I chose to leave school back in February of 2006, I thought it was the wise chose given the state of my life. I needed a break and taking a semester off would be good for me. I could handle the obstacles in my life, then refocus and finish my degree the following school year. The plan was off to a great start. Then life happened and derailed everything. For the better part of the last 17 years, I continued to live the life I never finished. I was pretending to be a college graduate because I only had 1 semester to finish. In my mind, I pretty much learned everything that I was going to need to say I was a college graduate. Yet, I wasn’t and there was still more that I needed to learn from an Academic, and preparedness standpoint that would have greatly benefitted me. But, after things fell apart a second time, I felt I couldn’t wait any longer and moved forward living the persona, because I had already started to build the foundation with it, to strip it away would’ve been disastrous.

I secretly lived with that fear for all these years. Knowing that at any moment if someone wanted to do a check to verify me, if a business wanted to make sure they knew who they were hiring, all they had to do was a search and they would find out that I didn’t graduate college like I said on my resume. I was a fraud. I was pretending that I had my shit all together when the reality was, I was riding half-assed out here. Trying my hardest to be seen but not shine too bright, because at any moment my trump card could be pulled, and I wouldn’t be able to defend any of it. That is until two years ago. I took the step to go back and finish what I started all those years ago. Back to the place I began, to close that chapter the right way. Some may ask why didn’t you just go back at any point and finish? Because I wanted to finish where I started, in my mind nowhere else was sufficient for me. Morehouse College, despite all its flaws and shortcomings, is a special place that carries special meaning. The name speaks volumes in many circles, despite what others may think.

This was the dream and the vision that needed to be completed. To become a Morehouse Man was the goal I made in May 2002, when I wrote my acceptance letter to Morehouse College. Every day after that day I was striving to accomplish that goal. Living life, especially in the professional world, without my degree was tough, but I did it for 17 years. No one in my professional life knows now or knew before now that I didn’t have my degree. I climbed the latter to a point and then I would get stuck. Part of it was being in my head, not wanting to get outed and embarrassed. Part of it was not having the full training needed to grasp the opportunities and thrive with them successfully. It exacerbated the split in my personalities I believe. The introvert was content to take the modest gains and live that life. The extrovert wanted more and felt that why should those few missing hours and courses hold me back. Let’s find a way, through mentors and just hard work, to obtain the skills and knowledge needed to be an exceptional corporate professional. That way no one would want to question my background, because my work speaks for itself, and the assumption of a polished educational background would be a given.

Fast forward to the now, the fake life living is over. As of Friday, May 12, 2023, I am officially a college graduate!!! I am graduating this Sunday from the only undergraduate institution that I felt suited me. I am finally a Morehouse Man! When I cross that stage to accept my degree, what a sweet, beautiful moment that will be. Maybe that will help to make the two people work to become whole. Still needing their space to run free and control my brain, but in a more controlled and complimentary way. I guess time will tell. I also know that writing this blog just released sooo much tension and fear. Thank you for reading and hopefully this helps someone else out there.

Until next time y’all. I’m signing off this post.