Being mistreated, talked about, abused and ashamed can have a lasting effect on you as a person. It affects your mental health, your emotional well-being, and your physical fitness. So many times, when you struggle with your self-esteem it doesn’t take too much to throw you off. Whether it be family, or friends, lovers or just fuck buddies, and even the occasional opp that just wants to see you doing bad, the words, and actions of others can impact how you feel and see yourself. Gathering that understanding that you are who you are, and that you are grade A quality is something that’s either instilled in your early on, or you learn it for yourself through time, trials, and bullshit that happens. For me, it was the combination of it all that helped me get to the point of today.

The honest truth about me is that I’ve struggled with my self-confidence for years. Regardless of how many times I’ve been told I’m attractive, or my body looks good, I am much more easily rattled by the insults, or the putdowns than I am reassured by the compliments. The actions of people mentally, emotionally, or physically abusing me have left scars and damage that is still being healed. I didn’t receive enough support and reassurance earlier in my youth and young adulthood to properly know how to disregard and ignore the fuck people. I think, more than anything, the fact it came from those who were supposed to be my biggest support, lovers, family and even close friends, it stings a lot more. It hovers over you even longer, because you didn’t that the friendly fire would come.

As time passes and I’ve truly had time to learn myself more, I don’t feel the need to prove myself to anyone anymore. Yes, I get nerves and have thoughts creep into my mind about my qualifications for things in my life, be it personal or professional. Most times, I reassure myself that I am that guy. The more I feel reassured within myself, and no lie, the more those I care about give my flowers, the more I evolve into that man I know that I’ve always been. It’s taken a lot of tears and dark days to get to this point. I used to think that in order to be seen as legit and A1, you had to have it all together. Job, car, place, money, looks. As I’ve evolved in life, having a combination of those things are more than enough. The truth is that when you start with you and you grinding on your come up, everything else is always magnified in your favor. You can simply do nothing at all, and it will be enough because what you’re currently doing is plenty. Catch that if you understand.

The crazy thing is even in my evolution I still feel the nerves and have the shreds of doubt linger in my mind. I still question myself at times, wondering if I’m really good enough for some of the interactions I have and for some of the accomplishments that I achieve. I at times struggle accepting my flowers, because I fear the other shoe dropping, but I’ll talk in conversation about how it’s the other shoe that drops, it’s just reality and the challenges that comes along. Yet, I listen to others as we talk, and I marvel at how resolute they are within themselves. I’m amazed at how grounded they are in themselves, how the belief in who they are, and their character overpowers the negativity and critiques that come at them. Younger, older, same age grouping, that determined belief in themselves is something that I still yearn too fully master. Not on the part-time basis that I do now, but on a full-time level that I see others on. I am believer though, that when you surround yourself with that kind of company, if you are in tune with energy and the vibes, it can’t help but to rub off on you.

My story of evolution is one that I’m sure is familiar to many. You go through things, you learn shit, you fail, you succeed and all the while you’re building yourself. Believing in yourself will always start with you, but truly it begins with those who nurture you and start to instill those things inside you. Someone recently told me; they don’t care what anyone says about them that’s negative. They know who they are and what they are, and that’s all that matters. As long as they know the truth. It doesn’t hurt that physically they fit what almost anyone looks for in a guy, personality wise, they have the ideal mix of outgoing and fun, and reserved and quiet. Hearing that they like the way I move, made me smile, offered reassurance of the changes I’ve gone thru and yet, I was more satisfied with myself because the compliment came from me doing nothing at all, just being who I am, which is more than enough.