Month: September 2022

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Heart Chronicles – The Evolution of Self

Being mistreated, talked about, abused and ashamed can have a lasting effect on you as a person. It affects your mental health, your emotional well-being, and your physical fitness. So many times, when you struggle with your self-esteem it doesn’t take too much to throw you off. Whether it be family, or friends, lovers or just fuck buddies, and even the occasional opp that just wants to see you doing bad, the words, and actions of others can impact how you feel and see yourself. Gathering that understanding that you are who you are, and that you are grade A quality is something that’s either instilled in your early on, or you learn it for yourself through time, trials, and bullshit that happens. For me, it was the combination of it all that helped me get to the point of today.

The honest truth about me is that I’ve struggled with my self-confidence for years. Regardless of how many times I’ve been told I’m attractive, or my body looks good, I am much more easily rattled by the insults, or the putdowns than I am reassured by the compliments. The actions of people mentally, emotionally, or physically abusing me have left scars and damage that is still being healed. I didn’t receive enough support and reassurance earlier in my youth and young adulthood to properly know how to disregard and ignore the fuck people. I think, more than anything, the fact it came from those who were supposed to be my biggest support, lovers, family and even close friends, it stings a lot more. It hovers over you even longer, because you didn’t that the friendly fire would come.

As time passes and I’ve truly had time to learn myself more, I don’t feel the need to prove myself to anyone anymore. Yes, I get nerves and have thoughts creep into my mind about my qualifications for things in my life, be it personal or professional. Most times, I reassure myself that I am that guy. The more I feel reassured within myself, and no lie, the more those I care about give my flowers, the more I evolve into that man I know that I’ve always been. It’s taken a lot of tears and dark days to get to this point. I used to think that in order to be seen as legit and A1, you had to have it all together. Job, car, place, money, looks. As I’ve evolved in life, having a combination of those things are more than enough. The truth is that when you start with you and you grinding on your come up, everything else is always magnified in your favor. You can simply do nothing at all, and it will be enough because what you’re currently doing is plenty. Catch that if you understand.

The crazy thing is even in my evolution I still feel the nerves and have the shreds of doubt linger in my mind. I still question myself at times, wondering if I’m really good enough for some of the interactions I have and for some of the accomplishments that I achieve. I at times struggle accepting my flowers, because I fear the other shoe dropping, but I’ll talk in conversation about how it’s the other shoe that drops, it’s just reality and the challenges that comes along. Yet, I listen to others as we talk, and I marvel at how resolute they are within themselves. I’m amazed at how grounded they are in themselves, how the belief in who they are, and their character overpowers the negativity and critiques that come at them. Younger, older, same age grouping, that determined belief in themselves is something that I still yearn too fully master. Not on the part-time basis that I do now, but on a full-time level that I see others on. I am believer though, that when you surround yourself with that kind of company, if you are in tune with energy and the vibes, it can’t help but to rub off on you.

My story of evolution is one that I’m sure is familiar to many. You go through things, you learn shit, you fail, you succeed and all the while you’re building yourself. Believing in yourself will always start with you, but truly it begins with those who nurture you and start to instill those things inside you. Someone recently told me; they don’t care what anyone says about them that’s negative. They know who they are and what they are, and that’s all that matters. As long as they know the truth. It doesn’t hurt that physically they fit what almost anyone looks for in a guy, personality wise, they have the ideal mix of outgoing and fun, and reserved and quiet. Hearing that they like the way I move, made me smile, offered reassurance of the changes I’ve gone thru and yet, I was more satisfied with myself because the compliment came from me doing nothing at all, just being who I am, which is more than enough.

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Heart Chronicles – Alone and Not Afraid

One of the many things I tell anyone who gets into conversation about living life, gay or straight, mostly gay though, is that you can’t be afraid to be alone. Whether anyone believes it or not, being alone is usually one of the largest reasons people remain in unhealthy, toxic relationships. They aren’t comfortable having to live life by themselves, theoretically. The truth of the matter is most people feel they need to have someone sharing their life, and space, in order to have a complete and full life. I don’t completely disagree with that sentiment, but I’m not fully in favor of it either. I believe there is and can be a happy medium between having your own space and sharing it with someone you love.

Far too often individuals choose to remain a couple with someone they know they’ve fallen out of love with because they don’t really know how to live or lead a life that doesn’t involve someone being there to support them and aid them in all things. Be it financial support, most common, emotional or mental support, that lack of someone there makes people scared and feel as though they must keep a man or woman around, even if they don’t have all of their best intentions for them. I’ve seen it paralyze people to the extent that they reject opportunities for betterment and prosperity in life all because they don’t want to be without, fill in the blank. I’ve yet to understand why that dynamic is so strong and prevalent, but it is and most times what’s forgotten is that if you have a strong circle of friends, or family, you aren’t alone anyway. No, you may not have someone living with you, but your journey is still being shared with people who love and care for you.

Why I feel that once a person understands how to live alone, they are better equipped to be with someone is simple. When you live alone, you have to learn how to live with yourself. You learn your traits, your patterns, your habits. You understand your likes and dislikes, which will make you better at identifying people you could see yourself sharing your space with, be it on a permanent basis or regular/frequent basis. It allows you to discover these things without sacrificing the relationship that you’re in. I believe that when you don’t know how to be with yourself, it impacts your ability to be with someone else. Ultimately, you’re learning yourself while learning and living with someone else at the same time. While this is definitely possible, it usually winds being detrimental because as you learn yourself you change, and what you like and want changes. If you have to learn another person at the same time, it could be that the two of you are changing separately. Be alone and learn you, then introduce someone to your space and see how they fit into your world and you in theirs. Then you can make adjustments and compromises on the things that you feel aren’t critical to who you are.

The truth is for me, I hate being alone when I come home. I’ve done for a long time, and I’ve also been in relationships where me and my partner lived together. That joy and sense of fulfilment when I had that was intoxicating. It was something that I knew I wanted and didn’t want to be without. Sometimes it came at great personal hurt for myself, because at times I had chosen the wrong person to build that life with. When I was younger, I would struggle to end those types of relationships because I hadn’t learned how to be comfortable with being by myself. My mom was always in a relationship, be it married to my father, or being divorced and in relationship with someone else. Right after I came out, my first boyfriend wound up being the first person I lived with. It came less than three months of being together. For two years all I knew was him and building a life together. I was growing and evolving, and so was he. Sometimes together and sometimes apart. The crazy part is for the first 5 years that I was dating, I lived with my partner for 4 of those years. Talk about not learning to live by yourself. It showed itself too. Even in dating, I would want the person to stay the night and be under me, because that’s what I used to and hadn’t learned how to be by myself.

The reality is once I learned that it’s truly ok to be by yourself and I accepted that challenge, I grew even more as a person. I evolved into the human that I feel fits who I am, and it’s allowed me to discover how to remove people quickly who aren’t good for me, to accept that things have a shelf life, and I can’t hold onto it past the expiration date, and that moving on my time is perfectly sufficient. My challenge to everyone is to find that space with being comfortable being by yourself. Learn yourself. Learn your mind, body, emotions, preferences, likes, dislikes and all those things you need to know to make yourself the best version of yourself. It can be painful and lonely at times, but close family and friends that you trust will always be there to occupy that space until you’re ready to let the man or woman in that you want to try and build something with.

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Heart Chronicles – Today’s Yesterday

I am constantly reminded that my yesterday must have been really dynamic and special. It never seems to take too long before those tasted the drug that is me find some way to return. Whether it’s the random pop up text, or the phone call out of the blue, or it’s the hey long time lets catch up. No matter what happens, there are those who just can’t seem to get enough of their fix. While on one hand I can appreciate that appetite and desire to feel that feeling, on the other hand, I have to wonder just why do they keep returning? What is really the driving force behind trying to recapture the magic that was lost.

Over the past week or so, I’ve been smacked with numerous reminders of my past and the people who have occupied time and space in it. From the fucked up ex, to the constant runner that could never fully commit. It’s been an interesting time in my world. Mixed in with the old, has obviously been the new. And what I’m realizing is that there is a reason why I say I keep the past buried. Within the past three days alone, I’ve had two people who really had a significant pull on me, back then, resurface and it didn’t go as they might have expected. In my mind today, I am not that same sweet, forgiving man that I was years ago. Life has hardened me, blackened my heart a bit, and made me far more skeptical of people than optimistic in them. It was nice having my old on again, off again flame back around for a bit. Ironically though, it was due to his return that I realized his time had truly expired in my life.

The first time he popped up, last month, it was a surprise and his question was an even bigger surprise on the surface, thinking about it now it makes perfect sense for how things kind of line up currently. No apology for the bullshit that caused the last rift that kept us from speaking for almost a year, no his question was would I be willing to fuck again. For me it wasn’t even much that I needed to think about, regardless of how I felt about his actions, his mental and emotional bullshit, the nigga had a dick that would make you melt and yo hole cream. Of course I said yes. It’s been almost a decade since I last felt all that meat and I just knew the stroke was better than it was then. I figured that the 31 year old version of him was far better. Right and wrong, the dick was good, but the stroke… ehhh left much to be desired. Couldn’t keep his dick hard after about 10 minutes and never busted a nut, though he claimed he had been close when we fucked that night before.

All par for the course if you ask me. The problem with him always centered around the truth and his allergy to being honest about shit. Our whole beginning started from a lie he told. The twisting plot that was the next 15 years revolved around his lies and bullshit. It was the moments of truth and openness that captured my heart and he seemed to know this, and throughout time, played on those strings to keep me at his fingertips. That was until 3 years ago, when I reached my breaking point with him. Tired of the lies, the hidden stories and niggas, all of it. The rose glasses were destroyed and along with it was any chance of a real Romeo and Juliet type romance. When he came back this time, it was different and I could feel it. There wasn’t talk of dating and romance, just fucking ohhhh and catching up. It was predictable what he did. He talked to me about his past, and confirmed the lie he told that last time we talked. He tried to say he wasn’t gay anymore. That he was living in North Carolina and going thru this rebirth of sorts. That he had given his life to God and he wasn’t focused on, or thinking about a relationship or men.

The biggest bunch of bullshit I had ever heard him spew from his lips. And it all turned out to be one BIG ass lie. How the fuck you gone lie like that and put it On God. Like really, how fucked up in your head do you have to be? How committed are you to holding on to someone that you’re willing to lie about your relationship, your life and your journey, just to hold on to someone. Too bad for him I didn’t believe none of the shit and I unloaded all the years of anger, hurt, frustration, sadness, and disappointment on him. The end result being the end of whatever type of relationship we had. Then August happened and we reconnected and had a good sex session, but I could tell my feelings about him were different. Instead of wanting him to stay past the overnight visit, like it was in the past, I was ready for his ass to go home. He hit me up this week to inquire about linking again. I told him we could and Friday afternoon he asked what I was doing that night. I told him nothing, he asked to fuck, I said when and he went zero dark 30 for four hours. At around 130am he hits me to say now, but I was already doing my thing and never responded til the next day.

When I responded to him and told him it’s his fault because he waited 4 hours to respond the mood changed and he began to spew more dumb ass lies that made no sense. Apparently, he’s been lying to lots of niggas out here because we’re all giving him the same responses to the lies he tries to tell. He finally realized his hold was gone and now we have no communication again. I think he would be wise to let, at least, a year pass before he opened his mouth to me again. If ever at all. The lies, disrespect and manipulative actions are dead and so is his time in my life. Reality hurts and I’m sure for him it smacked in his face, his crutch has been kicked out and away. Now he’s charming so I’m sure he will find another unsuspecting, gullible nigga to take him in and let him live with them and build a fake ass relationship, built on lies, deceit and bullshit. Sad as fuck man, a guy with so much potential, caught in his web of lies and deceitfulness. A waste of a genuine heart, due to a twisted soul and fucked up mind.

Guy number two, well he’s different in every way possible. A true sweet guy, a bottom with a fat ass, a larger than life personality and thickness that people love. The problem with him though is he’s a runner. He has been and still is afraid of commitment. For over 10 years we’ve done a delicate dance of on again, off again. After he moved away, it was always going to be difficult for us to be together because long distance has long stopped being my thing and inconsistency gets you removed from me these days. The patience I had has long since gone, and I felt it when he decided he was ready to pop up again. Pride weekend always seems to conjure up the ghosts of the past. Being with him last night wasn’t like it was in the past. I didn’t feel the romantic embers burn, there wasn’t a special moment that made me want him back. It was all circumspect. I realized that I was talking to someone who does the same dance, asks the same questions, plays the same songs and I was tired of it and him.

Sometimes, you have to let the past surface, if only to finally put it to bed. You have to see why you left it alone, and let it go away. Sure, there are exceptions to that, but most times you wind up seeing why you let it go in the first place. It doesn’t serve you in your now, and it won’t serve you in your future. If the past isn’t able to rise to the level of the present and show signs that it’s ready for the new future that your life arched towards, leave it where it belongs. In the mirror and down the road. He was never one to do anything bad to me. He never showed me dishonesty or deceit, he just has a commitment issue and that I can’t get past. I want better, deserve better and will not allow less to be my new best. While it was fun to catch up and remember the good times of days past, I felt myself empty with the whole experience. Glad in some ways he was here, so I could see that it was done and closure was within reach, and disappointed that I even allowed him to be here.

The past will always be active in one way or the other. It truly is about how you manage it and what you do with it that will determine how impactful it is in the present day and future days to come. Love yourself enough to let it go, listen to the feelings that you feel when the interactions come and pivot away from it when the time is right. Accountability, compassion, love, honesty, loyalty. These words are things that are the fabric of relationship building for me, no matter the type of relationship. Interactions with people have made these words harder to employ to all, but I’m trying. The past gets held to this standard and if they can’t be accountable for their actions, compassionate about how they treat you, love you genuinely, be honest about themselves and their lives, and be loyal to you in whatever capacity they hold, let asses go.