To be clear, I know that I am never truly alone, yet I feel alone so many times as the chaos of life swirls around me. As the realities of a world impacted daily by Covid continue to be felt, the loneliness felt after unexpected and unexplained disappearances by people bothers me. Sometimes I wish I could just call any of my three best friends and just vent. Expressing all the anger, frustration and hurt I feel, but feeling unable to do so for various reasons with each person. I understand that life happens, and we all have things that we must handle, but why does it always feel like when I really am at my point of needing that outlet no one is ever there. When the events are fresh and eroding at my mental the most, I can’t call anyone I need to and talk to them because they won’t answer their phones. And yes, I understand that I don’t know exactly what they’re doing, so they may have a very legitimate reason as to why they can’t be here for me, but it feels like all the time when it’s my time to lean on my support, they’re not there.

There is a trend that has been happening lately that is very disturbing to me and I’m really trying to understand why it’s happening to me at this point. Within the past couple months, four different men have engaged me in conversation towards something more than just a fuck type thing. Of these four all of them have done something of the same thing and I really have no understanding as to why. We talked daily, had good, substantive, engaging, fun conversation, or so I thought, only for them to disappear with no warning, with no explanation, with no reason as to why. All at different times within the conversation points. As I sit here today, I still don’t get it. I don’t come at anyone any way other than authentic. Yet it seems like niggas like to get a taste of that energy then disappear. I guess it’s too much? Maybe people can’t handle someone who is truly authentic and real with them. And I get it, you might say well I may think I’m being honest and real and maybe those people are seeing or sensing something else. You know that may very well be true, the only problem is because they were bitches and didn’t tell me, only they will ever know.

Despite these things happening I haven’t been able to tell my best friends what’s been happening and how I really feel. One of them is never really able to talk to me now because life has made her extremely busy. One of them, he likes to be in and out now. That is new that I’m not used to but I’m trying to have understanding for him and what he has going on with his life. Someone who has been there for me and I’ve been there for him for the past 14 years. I call and get no answer, I call again later and get no answer, I text with no response, so I let it go and deal with these thoughts and feelings on my own. My other best friend is trying to find his closure with a man who has been fucking him over for the past 4 to 5 years. Because I am a good friend and I love him dearly, I sit back and support him, but his availability isn’t the same either, so I handle my issues by myself. I am very capable of doing this, by the way, but having the ones you count on for support there to talk you through it helps so much. being alone is a feeling I don’t really enjoy, but it’s one I’ve gotten used to. Alone in the chaos.