You know one of the most difficult things to do is move on from someone without having “closure.” And when you ask people what does that word really mean, you get so many different answers. That is because everyone takes closure to mean something different. You see a lot of times when someone feels a situation hasn’t had its proper ending, they will continue going back to date someone until they reach their hearts content. In my mind I feel like that means until they get their hearts broke, in one way or another. It is the thing that people chase almost as much as they chase love. Wanting to have a definitive answer as to why a relationship didn’t work out, when all signs seemed to point to the match being a long lasting one.

One of the hardest things for us to realize is that chasing closure can be like waiting to get a hit. It can be debilitating; it can be addicting and suffocating at the same time. Someone you had invested your time, energy and resources into turns you away or leaves you without much explanation and you don’t know yourself why it happened. That’s enough to make the most sane person itch for a conclusion so bad that they can’t leave the person alone until they reach the end. Also, I’ve seen the other way play to be true: the person feels that they’ve never gotten the best out of someone, and they refuse to let the relationship die until they have the relationship end on their time and in the manner they see fit. I’ve seen this scenario in action too, one of my closest friends will not quit dealing with a man who has fucked him over time and time again, rekindling the situation under the name of closure.

Closure makes people hold on to an old flame longer than they really should, because they believe that there is still something to resolve. You trick yourself into believing that you didn’t get the ending that was needed to close the book on that person, so you let yourself give them power to tear at the strings of your heart. The addiction of the desire to know that things are over and there is no hope to fix it, overpowers the rationale of looking being present in a relationship and seeing that it’s not going to work. It leaves you looking for the one thing that is a deal breaker, instead of seeing that the totality of things happening means it’s time to walk away.

The truth about closure is that you have to define what that looks like before you go seeking it from a situation. You need to know what it is that you need from that person in order to say goodbye. Or, you need to know what you need to be said to you or feel so you can peacefully walk away. I’ve had a couple of relationships where that closure was never reached, and I’ve handled each one differently trying to obtain that final chapter. In one situation, I kept that door to my heart open for him. I would never allow for the ties to be severed because I never felt that we had the time needed to decide if we could make a future together. All the while, I was missing the signs that were flashing in my face, that this was something being held onto from the past. That he knew that I was still in love with him. Time, energy and emotions went into someone who was never going to give me what I wanted and I chased closure with him for years. Feeling the high of highs when we were together, and the low of lows when he toyed with my emotions.

Finally, I had come into the present moment and realized he was taking advantage of knowing my heart still wanted him. I found my closure in thinking about all the things that had happened, and all the things that never happened. I allowed myself to make peace with the fact that he was not the one for me, and not as real as he pretended to be. The second situation I handled the complete opposite, but it’s left me with the same hole, craving for answers. He walked away from me, no reason given, no warning either. Just waited for me to leave the house and by the time I came home, just a note on my door, claiming that he was moving across the country. To this day I haven’t heard from or seen him again. I have no idea why it ended and no clues to point me in the direction of finality. And while I have not and will not search for him, it really fucks with my mental that I don’t know why he did what he did.

To someone who reads this and says what the point.. when you hung on too long you got hurt, when you let it go without trying to reach closure, you still are hurt. The point is that you have to allow yourself to be okay with not knowing why, not getting that closure and when you feel yourself thinking about the past, remember that they don’t deserve to occupy space in your mind, find the lesson from the failed relationship and move forward. Don’t let the drug of closure bog you down, keep you stuck and let you miss out on who could be waiting for you.