So many people don’t really understand that it means to have to survive being Black. More than that, being Black and gay, or Black and trans. Now this is not to minimize the plight of White people, because there are groups of Whites who struggle as well, but this is America and Black survival is so complex and stressful that adding the additional complexity of being gay makes it ten-fold more difficult. Most people don’t realize that once most Black men or women come out to their families they are disowned in many ways. Sometimes mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, grandparents disown them, leaving them to fight for survival on their own. Often times at ages that most of us are not really prepared to be out here on our own in this world, and you wonder why there are so many gay and trans men and women who are having sex for money. Often times it becomes an early means of survival that can become addicting if you have the right look, a big dick or a fat ass.

The truth of the matter is that we do what we have to do in order to survive because you never know who you can really trust. You don’t know who will help you because they have a genuine good spirit, versus someone who helps you because they now have power in some rights over you, they can get something out of you because they helped you. And if you’re thinking that I’m being negative or pessimistic, live in this community and you will understand that it happens more often than not. That’s a part of what causes so much distrust among the gay community. So many niggas prey on vulnerable and unexperienced gay, lesbian and trans people to the point that everyone looks sideways at each other, until proven otherwise.

I know that life and while I’m not proud of the things that I had to do, I did them in order to survive. I’ve slept with guys so I could have a roof over my head to sleep under, because I was living out of my car for a period of time. I’ve slept with men for money in order to get things that I needed. I entertained the idea of having a sugar daddy, but I could never bring myself to do it because, I didn’t want to feel like I was owned by someone else. There were many times I slept with a guy and had a fuckuationship because I needed to secure a safe place to sleep. And I’ve this same story so many times from other people I’ve talked to. I had one friend tell me that he was put out of his momma’s house when he was 18 because the man she married didn’t approve his lifestyle. Do you understand what that does mentally and emotionally to us? To tell your child you have to get out of my house because some basic ass man said they can’t accept who you are. You put a man over your own blood.

And to those parents who put their kids out of their house because of the bible, you deserve to have your ass whipped. Please read in the bible to me where it says that you should disown your child because of their sexual orientation? So, you force a child, who is not ready for the world, to have to figure out how to survive with no preparation. And we wonder why so gay LGBTQ+ people struggle with mental health and acceptance and love. You wonder why we do anything we need to so we can survive. It is directly linked to the fact that once critical members of our family turned their backs on us, we had to do whatever necessary to survive until we could establish a more “traditional” way to handling life’s challenges. So, before you judge that gay person who keeps fucking for money or whatever they do, understand that the root cause of that, most times not all, is that they were forced to figure out their survival at an age that they weren’t prepared for it. Or life hit them in a way that they had no resources to pull from, so they used what they did have, their body, to make a living.

I honestly can’t explain why I feel like this all the time, but with so many friendships, relationships, situationships, people love to wait for me to do everything and then bitch or complain when I put some responsibility on them. Who the fuck really thinks that any real relationship is healthy if you don’t have consistent, equal communication? I will understand why people want to deal with folks, but you don’t want to be responsible for playing your part in the relationship. I do not accept the excuses of living a busy life, because believe me, my life isn’t just a piece of cake, but I know how to make time for the friends and important people in my life. It’s really not a hard thing to do, if you ask me. It’s something that if you really care for someone, you will make sure you make the effort necessary to let them know you care.

I’m also going to honestly say that the shit hurts too. It feels like I’m living in a time period that I don’t fit in when it comes to talking and communicating. Most people want to just do their own thing and come and go out of people’s lives whenever they feel it’s convenient for them, when in reality, the truth is it’s a fuck ass way out of having to be a real and responsible friend or lover. It makes me feel very unappreciated and that’s such an awful feeling to have. For me, I feel like if I chose to be part of your life, I owe it to you to make sure we have regular conversations. That doesn’t mean that we gotta talk every day or every other day for that much, but it does mean that we should be talking regularly enough that I’m not wondering why the fuck do I have your number in the first place.

These feelings take on even more significance when you’re a best friend or lover and the only time I can talk to you is if I text or call you first. Again, understanding that if you have kids your time is limited. If you take care of family or you have a career that demands your time, you may not be able to have routine conversation, but again that should not prevent you from communicating. I will never understand someone who says they want you, but you don’t have time to talk regularly if I’m not initiating the conversations. How can you want someone, but you can’t make time for them? Talking and making time for the people you care for are the things that are free in life to do. It’s also something allows for them to know that you are interested in them.

The worst thing that you can do is to let someone feel like they’re in it alone. It has a tendency to make that person feel smart or not important to you. The second worst thing that you can do, is to give a bunch of bullshit ass excuses and make it seem like they should always be understanding, while you take no responsibility for your lack of actions. The third worst thing you can do is ignore the concern they are expressing to you. When you do that, you’re setting yourself up for things to end on a sour note. People don’t seem to understand that most times, when someone is telling you about something they don’t like that you’re doing, or they’re telling you how what you’re doing, or not doing, is making them feel, that is their way of showing they still care about what you do. Which also means that they still care about you as well. Once that person stops talking and telling you about the situation, that usually means they’ve come to their own conclusion about things, and you might not like how it ends up.

I’m not sure who told people to start acting like they don’t have to do their part, and do it consistently, but it’s causing so many relationships and friendships to come to an end. No one likes to feel like they’re being fucked around with. So, stop the fuck shit and act like you want the friendship or relationship that you claim you do.