Month: December 2021

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Accountability Compassion Honesty

Simple and direct, I apply these three words to every part of life for me and that’s how I would hope others would engage with me, but I learn every day that I can only make that the standard for admission, I can’t make people believe and live these words like I do. Now yes, from time to time there may be a need for a slight bend of the truth. Mostly when I’ve wanted to get out of work, LOL, or get out of doing something that I really did not want to do. But on the whole, the baseline practice is to be accountable to myself and others, to have compassion for the situations that happen in life, and to be honest in my efforts, my deeds, words and actions when interacting with people and myself.

All three of these traits seem to be very difficult for people to develop with consistency. It’s as if they’re allergic to practicing developing traits that would make daily interactions mostly humane and enjoyable. No matter it be relationships, friendships, or any other type of ship, being able to say that you are accountable to yourself and those people, that you have compassion for the challenges life presents to you and others, and to say that you are honest about your intentions and the words that you speak. And then we wonder why there is so much hate and anger in the country today. We wonder why people aren’t willing to extend grace and mercy to each other. You don’t understand why there is so much killing and disrespect going around. While all the answers will not lie in the practice of these three traits, I can promise you if we all practiced these things consistently and with intent, the world we live in, the country we occupy, the state we call home, the communities we inhabit would be better off, would be more pleasant to travel through.

I’ve never come across so many guys who seem to want to be part of your life but be so unwilling to be accountable to the equality needed for that to be a reality. What makes you think that you can just take and take and take, but not be willing to give back when the time calls for it. And what makes you think that lying about what you already know would make the situation any better. Accountability is something that gays struggle with mightily. Too many are worried about who can get the upper hand on who. Who can make who look more foolish than they look? Worrying about all the wrong shit, not concerned enough with how their actions make them appear in the eyes of the ones they seek partnership from. How can you be so grown, and yet so unwilling to accept the fact that part of the problem is your unwillingness to be honest, which means you will not hold yourself accountable for what you do, nor will you allow anyone else to hold you to account because you won’t accept the truth?

Then to me the biggest part that’s missing from folks is the ability to have compassion. When you know that someone is going through something that is legit, no matter how big or small it may seem to you, extending the compassion that they may not be the same person you’re use to while they figure it out is so important. Compassion takes three seconds really; it means just taking a breath before you speak. It means allowing yourself to imagine yourself in the other persons place and give the grace needed to come through it. Often times we expect people to react to things the way that we would, or to have the poise and resiliency that you may have, forgetting that life hits everyone different and if you really care about the person, you will let them handle life their way. Giving your true and honest opinion when asked, not trying to overrun their lives. And the honest part seems to really not need much explanation. Stop bullshittin people and just be authentic. Don’t lie about shit you don’t have because you want to impress someone. Don’t pretend to be what you’re not because you don’t like where you are. Trying to be real, you might find out that people are more willing to help you, or grow with you when you’re real, let them see that you might not have it all together, but you’re making efforts to try and need help. And if you think about that example, it provides an opportunity for all three dynamics to be presented. Your honesty gives the accountability, compassion and honesty that needs to be on display.

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Pieces of Me

Sometimes through the slanted holes in the dark room I try to get a glimpse of the people that occupy the space. I hear the voices and feel the presence, but it feels as if no one is really there. My mind races trying to figure out how is this possible? How can I hear the voices, feel the presence, but not see the people? Some days it feels like they’re right there, peering over my shoulders waiting for me to make a move or introduce myself to the room. Other times, it’s like we’re all here together and we know each other very well. No need for introductions, ice breakers or anything of the sort, just start talking and get down to the issues at hand. So I begin to lay out my story of what’s going on and one of them stops me before I can get going good, letting me know that how I’m seeing it isn’t actually how it’s going at all. They tell me that I’m missing some details and they begin talking to fill in the missing parts of the story.

That conversation ends and so does that day, week, month, all filled with the same types of situations. Numerous conversations from the different people in the room, expressing the different feelings and thoughts felt regarding the events of the life happening around me. I half expect everyone to say that I’m wrong, but this time that isn’t what happens. Three of them agree with what I said, adding that their feelings are even more bothered by the shit than how I’m feeling. The other two don’t agree, but they don’t disagree either. Instead, they provide additional context, expressing the more alone, unappreciated feelings and description of the situation. Listening to how they feel about things, I find myself torn between what is the reality and what is more of an illusion. It’s like there are moments where I feel like I have control of the situation and agreement from those who know most intimately of the situations, and then out of nowhere, one of them throws a grenade on the whole situation. Showing emotions, I never thought about, but clearly were present or, at least, worthy of consideration.

Somewhere in the middle of all these different conversations, thoughts, feelings, and emotions I realize that there aren’t different people physically in the room, all of these people are within me. I am flipping through the different personalities that exist within me. All of them seemingly unlocked, awake and ready to give their thoughts. They are ready to live and have their turn at the wheel to direct and guide my life. And while that can be difficult for the rest of the world to try and figure out how to interact with me on a daily basis, for me it’s magnified by tenfold. Trying to know which version of me is going to show up today. Whether it will be just or two or three people that I need to manage and satisfy their desires, needs, feelings, and wants. It’s like one day I wake up and the world makes sense, I appreciate myself for what I’ve accomplished and come back from, and then some days I wake up and I wanna say fuck all these people who take me for granted, who abuse my kindness and compassion. And all of those feelings and emotions that exist between those two extremes.

It’s as if these with each betrayal, with each heart break, with each disappointment a piece of me broke and another personality arrived. Coming to protect me, to try and shield me from the dangers of fucked up ass people. To shield me from leeches and trash people while I try to heal from the scars torn into my heart and mind. In the past I would be able to let them out to be the shield of protection and put them back to sleep after I’ve sufficiently healed and regained my composure. Yet, I feel that with the passing of times, the increased frequency and severity of the trauma I suffered, they came out and stopped allowing me to put them back into a dormant state. The result is often mixed and confusing, usually resulting in varied personalities within the day. My wants and desires raging at times, sex, food, weed, sleep, companionship. Most times I’m able to satisfy all of these desires, but when they more complex and robust I can’t and the depression sets in. Like I wonder why I haven’t achieved more when I look at what I’ve done and am capable of. I wonder why I don’t have my three children I so carefully selected the individuals to contribute to that being possible. Then thinking why, I am not married with the one I love. How is it that I package all the things niggas say they want, but they can’t commit to when it’s right there for them.

Now the crazy part of it all is when I’m back to the main personality, I start to figure out that maybe the reason that I haven’t accomplished more is because the more that these personalities have existed, the more I’ve been torn and twisted with different wants and interests because they’re so diametrically different from each other and require a little different attention in order to feel whole. There is the dilemma that I really have no clue how to rectify. Hell, I don’t know if I can do anything about it at this point. The pieces of me that have been taken, have been filled by my personalities and they refuse to be put away, instead they rage like wildfire, and I battle myself over what I want and how to go about achieving those goals. Therein lies the pieces of me.