Something that I have always prided myself on being able to do was controlling my urges, and the different personalities that roamed within me. I always knew that there were different versions of me that could come out and be active, but I was pretty disciplined enough to keep them in check, until I was ready for one of them to show themselves. You know there are always different situations that happen that makes you feel as though you have to show people a different side of you. It lets them know that you ain’t the bitch they think you are. Or maybe you it to be known that you won’t be taken advantage of any longer. It could also be the case that you want your sexual freak to have his moment in the sun. All of these different personalities, and more, exist and for the longest I’ve been able to control them. Well, that’s all changed and I don’t think I have that control anymore. If I’m being honest, I don’t think I like it anymore, but I also don’t think I can control them anymore either.

As one person who has seen a lot of things, I understand that often times the personalities in our heads are created out of necessity. In order to survive, we find ways to protect our vulnerable selves or personalities from the wolves that are attacking us. Then, once those attacks are neutralized we can allow our “normal self ” to reappear. Only there are times that I feel like we never really let that person show back up. We tease it’s existence back out most times. That’s when you start seeing the representative of yourself show it’s personality more and more. You give what you want people to see and keep hidden what you don’t want people to take advantage of. I will take it multiple steps further. Once you have been exposed and hurt enough, not only do you not let the original version of you exist, you never let that person come back out. You create these different personalities of yourself to cope with the hurt, pain and anger of life and you switch from one to the next depending on the day, time and situation. Some call it losing yourself. I call it becoming unleashed. You ask me why do I use that word, because most times, the other characters you create are more sinister, devious versions of the real you.

Once the harsh realities of life start to claw away at your heart, you have to create personalities in your head in order to deal with the damage done to your mind, soul or spirit. Lose a child and see how you find ways to manage with that pain. Get your heart broken and watch how you mentally find ways to adjust to the new reality. Let someone abuse you and see the mindset you create in order to survive that ordeal and get away. Have things you worked hard to obtain taken away from you because of someone you trusted and watch how you make changes to avoid a repeat of that situation. It is the events of life that force you to create these alternate personalities to be able to handle those dark, painful moments in life. Well, what happens when you’re pushed too far or things happen too frequently and you decide that you can no longer be who you once were? Or maybe you decide that you don’t want to restrict the people who live in your head. Then maybe it’s not even a choice you consciously make. It could be that your subconscious makes the choice for you. All those thoughts and actions that you just use to think about and wonder what it would be like if you behaved in such a fashion now become reality. You are now living it out in real time. The chains that you put on the more unhinged versions of yourself are now off.

I think about how effective it has been for me to have all these personalities free roaming around now in my head. And the truth is I’m not happy with it now. There are a lot of things that have happened that have shocked me, but there are times where I feel like I’m looking down at myself and wondering what the fuck am I doing? I’m trying to figure out how the fuck did I become this reckless and disconnected from things I use to hold so true to my core? I’ve always had a high sex drive and been a freak, but damn that shit been blown of the water now. I don’t have the consistent pattern with my routine that I had before and I can’t really see why, until I think about when I was fucked over. It’s hard when the personalities are moving at once, because I feel myself thinking from those different personality points it my decisions are always so scattered as a result. And I can hear the opposing view speaking up, why don’t you get therapy or counseling? Good question, are you going to give me money to pay for that shit? Cuz them sessions are expensive as fuck and I don’t have the bank built up for that at this moment in time.

I used to think that I was just coping with life and I would get through it and allow myself to shine back through. The more time that has passed, I’m realizing that this iteration of me seems to be here to stay, and I’m actively working to find a way to change that. To control what I have unleashed is a difficult thing. Part of me wants to the genie back in the bottle, while other parts want to just continue roaring uncontrolled. I miss some of things that I now don’t seem capable of doing anymore. Finding my way back to me is tough, and the truth is, it really may never happen again.

Tell me what you think….