Greatness comes from failure as much as it comes from success. I’m sure someone else may have said that, but I’m the only person I know that my ears have actually heard say that. And now my eyes seeing me write that on this blog is the first time I’ve seen those words written just like that. It is my belief that true greatness in whatever it is you strive for excellence in comes from having failure in your life. It teaches you how to respond to adversity, it shows you how to recover from disappointment, it reveals if you have the character to be a survivor after going through difficulty. All of these things are needed if you are going to come through tough times, or dark moments. What happens when those dark memories don’t subside? What happens when you’ve found your way to recover from those deeply challenging situations, but your mind is still damaged and your soul is still stained?

There are things I go back to and wonder why did they happen, and then I spin forward and I ask myself, why the fuck am I still feeling so damaged by these events? In part I understand, because these events when presented separately and far enough apart, create these life altering moments that can take time to recover from, if ever. On the other hand, when you compound trauma one on top of the other for months and years, what you get is a fucked up human trying to figure out how to ground himself again in himself, let alone in society that has beaten him down like a bear mauling an animal in the wilderness. You might say that’s a strong analogy, and my response would be if you knew me and understood the extent to which some shit has happened, you would say that’s a fair comparison. All at the same time I’m not one who seeks sympathy or pity. I don’t want or need anyone to feel sorry for me and what I’ve experienced, I just wish I really had true understanding and I do wish I could openly talk about the darkness I feel with people who really can understand, relate and give the compassion and love I seek to help heal a damaged soul.

God knows all and I’ve cried my eyes out numerous time in my private talks with the creator. I’ve asked so many times why me? Why was I chosen to have these particular obstacles put in front of me? And honestly I haven’t seen anything revealed to met yet that fully helps me understand the plan or reasons why. Yes, there are people who look to me that have had similar experiences or were traveling down the road to being exposed to some of the same things I have and I was able to either talk them down to prevent it, or I was there to be able to help them through it. In that respect I understand why I was chosen to deal with some of those situations, but then I ask myself did I really need to be exposed to all of what I was just be the shepherd to protect the flock? Maybe I need to keep living life and in time more of the puzzle will be put together for me to see why I had to endure so much dark energy.

The hard part is when you feel like you’ve got all this dark memory inside you, you don’t really know how to release it so it’s not haunting you in the stillness of the night or day. So many times I’ve been listening to music or working out, times where my brain can just roam, no direction or instructions given for my thoughts and my mind carries me back to the dark places. Or it takes me back to times when I had gotten to a certain place of satisfaction, only to remind me of the destruction. Showing me the painful memories and images that I tried so hard to work past and bury. Is that what truly dark memories do to you? Do they root themselves in the deepest part of your mind, ready to resurface when you let the subconscious mind free to roam? It disturbs me so much because it just constantly reminds me of just how damaged I really am. And I know what some of you might say too.. Have you thought about it from the positive aspect? Your mind is also reminding you of just how much you have overcome and just how strong of a person you are? I thought about that too and while you have a point, I hit back with, how many times to do you need to be reminded of the dark past you left? Don’t you realize that you’re also being reminded of what you lost? It is also a perverse situation where you don’t get to move past it because it routinely is being thrown back into you memory and sight.

The darkness hurts, and more importantly than anything, it changes you to someone that you really aren’t sure how to handle. At least in my case I don’t know how to control the darker version of myself. I find myself thinking and doing that I never would have done before. I see so many unusual character traits that never showed before all the trauma. I’ve lost a sense of the light that I used to operate with and please be aware, dark light shows just like bright light. Manipulation is mother fucka and those who know how do it masterfully can control things so easily. So that leaves me to try and figure it out once again… How do you control the memories in darkness?

Talk back to me…