I awoke this morning with my mind racing as usual, wondering how the events of my life have unfolded how they have. I thought about all the major decisions I made and how they impacted me in so many different ways. I thought about what it would have been like had I stuck with one situation and not landed in other. Would my child be here, would I be married? And yes before you ask it was with a guy that I was engaged and we had decided to have a child together. That story has already been told in previous writings so I wont dig back in those details again. I also wonder, going further back in time, if I had the chance to ride with a guy with years of history where would we be today. My heart says it would be marriage that lasts a lifetime, my brain says the shit would ended tragically. My mind has been in a time warp when it comes to you for the past fifteen years, and it drives me crazy.

The beginning was as unexpected and amazing as anyone could have hoped for. Then the shit became like a major motion picture. It had all the twists and turns, the plots changing on a dime, deceit and lies that have to covered with more lies. Truths being exposed and acceptance and forward movement after a “heart to heart”. Only for there to be more lies and deceit. You rinse and repeat, change the years and the characters involved, but the main protagonist and antagonist remain the same. The issues that cause the turmoil seem to be different but ,when thought about in its totality, they revolve around the exact same narrative. It’s the shit you truly make a movie of and you see of the main characters either move on or die. See in these kinds of movies, after you’ve seen one or ten or however many you watch, you know how the story will ultimately go. One person is truly going to get tired of the shit and they will walk away forever. The one who did all the shit will realize just how fucked up they were and once they truly have changed it will be too fucking late. Because when they had the chance to be real and come to the light with the shit, they kept playing games. They truly hardened the heart of the one who loved them and for that, they have to put in the past forever.

Saying all of that it’s easy as fuck to write. It’s super easy to think of and definitely easy to act out. But doing the shit in real life is a bitch. The truth of the matter is, most people, no matter how much they want to rid themselves of someone they can’t just close them out. If the person comes back with a presentation that seems contrite and they show adequate levels of regret, usually they can get another chance. See the key is to know how to use words and the mental advantage you have over someone to get them to believe that it is different and they are the one who is holding on to the past iterations of who you were. The reality is the reason for that is because of the person who did the bullshit to begin with in the first place. See what you don’t realize is that the pattern that you created gets thought about over and over, so once it’s recognized you don’t want to hear the bullshit again. You really want to see and hear change and difference. Growth is possible for all, and yes we all can change. But really when you change it’s noticeable from the jump. Nothing really needs to be said, it’s felt and understood. Yet, you’re like the forbidden fruit hanging on the tree. You know that you shouldn’t touch and taste it, but you have a special connection and bond that sucks you in every time.

You allow the emotions and feelings to rush back to you and then you find yourself wanting more, wanting to see just how much has changed and if you can truly let yourself go and fulfil the promises y’all made all those years ago. And then, one day when you’re really just trying to move a conversation forward, you see exactly what you knew was still there all along. The shit ain’t changed at all, it just took time for it show. What do you do though after you find this out. How do you move and react? My answer is to be as legit and real as you can. Let them see that while they may be stuck playing the same games, you truly have grown and become wiser. Call it out, be direct, put the shit in his face and then give them the peace and love that you have. Show them that this is what real change looks like. And then make the decision that you know you have to make. Take your time, secure your emotions and finally walk away. Cry, smile and love yourself.

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