If you know me then you know that I have no problem expressing myself. I speak my mind, and make no apologies about how controversial or unpopular my opinion or belief is. The goal is to get it out in the universe, and to provoke discussion. Sometimes though, it’s hard for me to really let out some of the more deeply personal and emotional thoughts. They push my mind to a tiring point and makes me feel like I’ve just fought in a war. Today is one of those days. This post is one of those posts, but it must be written either way. Take a seat and read along. I think many will be able to relate and feel free to respond if you like.

Today I pay tribute to one of the most important people in my life. Even though you’re gone and it’s now been two years, I am still so heavily impacted by the imprint you left on my life. I am saddened by not being able to hear your voice and call and talk to you for hours on Sunday, like we use to do. Today, and the days leading into this day, is so difficult for me. I so badly wish I could call you and make you laugh. Better yet, you making me laugh with all the stories of who’s done what and what you think about the things that some of the family is doing. I can only imagine how much fun you’re having up there. Able to see your husband and your closest friends. I know the games of Spades, Tunk and Deuces are epic. I know how much cash shit you talking too.. LOL.. especially if they’re beating you at your favorite games.

I know that you’re looking down and can see how much progress I’m making, but I wish you were here so I could call you and tell you just how much I’ve done. To hear in your voice the happiness and excitement for me because I was promoted into a management position. To know that I’m going back to school and am dedicated to continuing the journey that I’ve started. I know that if you were here and found out about these two major accomplishments, nobody would be able to tell you nothing. I’m sure different family members would be tired of hearing you talking about me and others would be just as happy as you are. You know one thing I could always count on, is you being overly excited for the things that accomplished. No matter how small it was, you always made sure to let me know that you knew about it and was proud of me for working hard to accomplish my goals. You always made me feel like I could do anything whenever we talked and you always encouraged me to keep pushing for all the things I want.

Even though sometimes we would have tense conversations, mostly because you were always a roaring lion of a Leo, and I was the stubborn, strong ram of an Aries. I would always smile when our phone calls ended. I would have never thought that they were coming to an end so soon. I don’t really want to give anyone that special gift of having a Sunday ritual talk like we use to have. It just doesn’t feel right and they wouldn’t make me feel as good as you do. I’m constantly sharing some of your classic one liners that you use to give me. Or telling fun stories that we’ve had. I’m trying to always be the man that you raised me to be. To continue to be authentic to myself and as you always told me, I’m not accepting any wooden nickels or no cardboard dimes. LOL. You never left me feeling unsure about how much you loved me. And for that I’ve always been thankful and appreciative.

Emotionally I’m all over the place. Sometimes I smile and have plenty of energy, other times I’m just spaced out and not sure that I want to do anything or be bothered by anyone. I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad and I try hard not to be, I just miss my grams and it still doesn’t feel right without you here. I’m learning to be better with it and I’m making sure I take care of my momma as much as I can, being that we’re still in different states. I miss you so much and I love you with all my heart. I hope you always knew just how much I appreciated you and was attached to you. These days are a struggle sometimes, but I am always reminded of just how strong you were and I try to let that live inside of me every day, Thank you for everything and I love you so much.