This has been eating away at me for a little bit of time now and I guess now is as good of a time as any to really release these feelings and thoughts. I’m currently in the middle of trying to figure out, what is really a friend and who in my life really fits that image. It’s funny, for as long as I can remember I’ve never really struggled to have what you would call friends. As a child I made friends easily and seemingly effortlessly. It was pretty easy to tell that we had a real friendship at that time. How you say? Because those people were always around me and I was always around them too. It didn’t matter if I moved away from the neighborhood or we into the normal dumb arguments that friends have, we were always going to wind up right back around each other before too much time passed. And the biggest thing about it was that it very rarely one sided. Meaning, my friends would call and come see about me just as much as I would see about them. It was a mutual understanding of friendship and brotherhood/sisterhood. Never to be too far away from each other. Never allow ourselves to get so busy that we lose track of each other. Those were the easier days too I suppose. No responsibility really, just school, homework and playing. No kids, or careers/ jobs, boyfriends or girlfriends to really disrupt the circle too much.

What inevitably happens though, is we get older and the roads we take in life separate us sometimes. Some move out of state for college, or just to start life elsewhere. Some get married, have kids and settle down, which means their friend group is going to change. A married person with kids definitely tends to connect with other married or parenting type folks. They have more in common and have a better idea of how to offer the support needed during the child raising and marital life situations. So it is understandable that friendships grow and develop on some levels and they shrink or become estranged on other levels. Yet, I am one person who believes that real true friendships withstand all of those things. When it is someone who has shared your life intimately and have become like family, they don’t just get swept out and away. You just don’t forget them or push them out of the routine of your life. That’s what I thought, maybe I was wrong about that. Maybe they dynamics of all friendships change such that when you’re out of sight then you are somewhat out of mind. No matter how much you try to use that phone to keep contact, it just doesn’t work if there is too much distance and so much of life being lived that you just don’t have time.

Over the past couple of years I have come to wonder just how many real friends do I have currently in my life. This question sometimes hit me like a ton of bricks, as both newer, but lengthy friendships seem to have faded away and the long term ones don’t seem as settled and fulfilling. Far more distance and one sided contact than what I ever thought would happen. I’ve asked the friends that I thought I had on numerous occasions to meet up just to catch up. To have dinner or drinks or do something so we can take some time to reconnect, build back the foundation that may have cracks and every time I’m shut down and told no. Reasons that in my mind aren’t valid or justified for just not trying to have some bonding time. I find myself now ever increasingly alone, no one to consistently talk to, hang out with, travel and just enjoy some of life’s moments. Hell even sexually, friends with benefits are harder and harder to come by here in this city. So many preferring to continue to try new and unknown partners, rather than gettin what they know is grade A quality and satisfaction. It’s the desire to have group sex or threesomes all the time. It’s the what can you do for me, friend with benefits. You know we can fuck around as long as you doing more than just giving me sex.

Nothing replaces that feeling of being able to call your best friends or your really close friends and talking about the day. Maybe gossiping about the bullshit at work or what someone said to you. Talking about the same shows you guys watch or planning a trip or outing together. Things that create memories and make lasting moments. If you cherish these types of interactions, nothing makes you feel more angst, sadness and hurt than not being able to have those reliable people there, around and close to go through some of life’s darkest moments. Yes, I can say that I have a couple that fit this mold and I’m so thankful for them. The truth is, the ones that were the closest and that I’ve known the longest, are the ones that aren’t here. They’re the ones that things are so one sided; if I don’t message them or call them, then I’m never going to hear from them until something happens. It hurts when you feel yourself losing a friend. When you know that you’ve done all you can and you’ve tried to talk to them about it and still it goes away. There are days where I really feel as if I have no one. That is a very lonesome feeling, it’s one that makes you question your character and whether people really are for you, when you’re not doing things that immediately benefit them. And it all makes you wonder, you are really my friend.