White History, No Problem.. American History Problem!

One way to really get a Conservative White person mad.. tell them that you’re going to teach Critical Race Theory in history classrooms across this country. I mean that will “chap their ass” faster than anything. See from everything that I keep reading, and seeing on this topic, so many parents are outraged that schools want to teach real American history, and not this hyper Patriotic bull shit they taught for so many years. They make the Civil War seem so Black and White, when it wasn’t. They love to make it seem like it was a choice for us to be in this country. And conversely, they make it seem to so easy for us to just leave the country and go back to our motherland. Knowing that the resources have been depleted heavily and the access to good and quality healthcare isn’t the same. Maybe if you give us back all the gold and minerals and resources back that were taken when we were enslaved we can leave this country is peace.

I am always tickled when the discussion comes to teaching real American History just how much White folks get mad at that idea. They love to say that the way history has been taught for decades is just fine, why do we want to further divide our kids and this nation. It is my opinion that this fucking country has always been vastly divided because of the poor and distrustful way that American history has been taught in classroom through history books in this country. The fact that White people get credited with so many inventions, yet they love to tell the stories of how they had they slaves, Black people, making and building everything. If that is the case then how the fuck can they be responsible for all of these inventions? Yes, I think there is a big fuckin omission in history, as presently told, for the full contributions of Black people in this country. I also think that history is slightly distorted when discussing the Civil War. Yes, in part the war was over the North and South trying to “free” the slaves, but to be clear many of those in power in the North owned slaves as well as. There were and still are portions of the North that weren’t very friendly to Black people. Yet that doesn’t really get covered much in the telling of American history in classrooms across this nation either.

I get very annoyed when I hear so many of the supposed to be outraged parents spewing ignorance because they don’t want their children to be taught equality. They just want them to be brainwashed to thinking that how history has been told is the only way. That their people had a moral struggle to determine what was the right thing to do and in the end only they made the decision to free Black people during that Civil War. Then they casually gloss over the fact that even after being “freed” we still had to deal with Jim Crow and Segregation. We still had to deal with “separate but equal”. Which we know full damn well won’t shit equal about that time period equal. They’re satisfied with there being only that weak ass month in February for Black History. That is enough in their minds. They don’t really want the true trails and challenges put before Black people to become known. Because if we do that, then they have to accept that they were racist and prejudice. They have to answer questions from their children as to why they treated us unfairly. They would have to come to grips with the wrong doings of their Grandfathers or Grandmothers. Great grandparents that may still be living and they can’t do that.

They want to preserve their history and the place that their families have in the rich story that is America. They don’t want to look at the facts that they took the land from the Native Americans and forced them to retreat to smaller plots of land throughout the country. They don’t want to accept the fact that they brought and traded people for use and to pay off debts. Indentured Servants was something that was very pervasive and popular during and through slavery. Human Trafficking, the crime as it is today, was legal and practiced without prejudice then. Imagine having to explain to your child why their grandparents or great grandparents were selling people to each other to be used for labor and to rape in order for them to have their babies. They don’t want to discuss how because of the slave trade and the raping of the resources from Africa, how America became an even stronger power and dominant nation. Telling the full arc of American history requires busting through that façade that American has always been a place for the displaced and down trodden. That may have been the case for some ethnicities, but for Black people, this was the place where we were forced to live and be prisoners. The place where we made and developed so many things, but weren’t allowed to have ownership or possession of them. This is place where when we figured out how to run their system better than them they burned our shit to the ground. Making sure that we would have a much harder time trying establish and maintain generational wealth for our families and communities.

The thing about history is if you don’t know it and learn it, then you are doomed to repeat it. But what happens when they erase your history from the books. What happens when they take your stories and make them into their own because they control the machine. They run the system so they can always make the narrative fit into the imagination that they have planned out in their minds. Only recently has there been a movement to become more real with the history of this nation. Telling stories as the facts really bare them out. Acknowledging that race is, was and always will be a divisive force in this country until it is sufficiently acknowledged and atoned for by those who put us in this position. The day may come where we have to address these dark underbellies of American history and I hope instead of running from it or getting defensive and wanting to destroy facts and truth of history, we give the kids a chance to know the truth. We give the nation a chance to learn the truth and come together. Maybe then we can heal some of what has always ailed this nation. Accept the truth, put truth to power and then maybe American history won’t be so toxic to discuss in all it’s glory and all it’s failure.

Secure My bag

As this country continues to open back up and companies look to rehire and staff up as a result, it’s funny to me how many companies are having a hard time filling the job openings they have. It’s almost like they’ve forgotten just how pathetic the money they were paying people prior to the pandemic. I think something that was lost in the this pandemic was that when people were receiving their unemployment benefits, plus the federal matching dollars, it allowed many people to get a taste of what real middle class living is like and they don’t want to give that up. Now yes, to some extent we all understand that those benefits won’t last forever, and as a result people will have to go back to work. The thing is though, this pandemic has pulled the scab off another one of America’s hemorrhaging social and financial issues.. the living wage in America isn’t being paid by a majority of these companies. You can start with whatever industry that you choose to and you will see that what companies pay most workers is bull shit. It’s like they’ve been stuck in 2000 for the past twenty years and every day folks are getting tired of not being paid a salary that lets them live in peace.

Do you realize that most people in this country either have a second, or third job just to make ends meet in their lives. Just so they can pay bills and have a little something left over to treat themselves. People are out here scamming and using their bodies sexually to make money or extra money because the “normal system” really isn’t paying them shit. So why not turn to something that doesn’t take taxes out and you can monetize yourself far quicker. I was watching one morning show and I found it laughable that one of the small business owners was upset that he had to raise the pay and offer signing bonuses to get employees in the door. He said that it was going to be harder for them to make profit doing that as well. I sat and I wondered to myself, how long have you been fucking people out of a real salary before this pandemic. People had no choice but to accept those jobs pre-pandemic because they didn’t have easier access to assistance that allowed them to pay their bills while obtaining a higher paying job. Think about that, you want to make more money, but the job you have uses job classification loop holes and phony “cost of labor” numbers to dictate pay, rather than the real cost of living to determine what to pay someone.

I just really wonder how long companies thought that they were going to continue to get away with just paying people low middle class to high barely above poverty wages? And let’s not forget Congress. You know them “Conservative” ass Republicans who don’t even want to let wages be standardized at $15.00 an hour. I mean that’s not even a living wage, but damn, it’s much better than the current minimum wages across most all states in this country. Quite honestly, with the current prices of food, gas, clothing and housing, paying $20.00 an hour isn’t enough to live with comfort in most places. I can literally remember when I started working seriously and I was making salaries similar to what they’re still paying today and it makes no sense at all to me. Like where do these people get their numbers from when it comes to salaries? It just feels like all these corporations have done is made record profits quarter after quarter, year after year and haven’t reinvested that money into their people. They’ve kept it in their pockets. Meanwhile, everything has continued to increase. The things we need to survive have gone up in price, why can’t our salaries match that? Why are so many Republicans afraid to let people make a baseline wage? They claim to be so American and being the party for the American people, but all their policies are geared towards rich ass people who don’t need the shit.

You know I really don’t understand the argument made against paying people salaries that lets them not need to rely on the Federal and State social/financial assistance programs. I wonder if enough of us think about just how much more beneficial it would be if we made enough money to only need one job and not two. That means it’s even more jobs out there to be had. It means that younger folks, like teenagers and college students can have jobs that aren’t being taken by someone who needs the extra pay check. If we actually changed the tax code so that rich people paid actual taxes. Not some bull shit amount that barely amounts to a tenth of their earnings. But they pay actual income taxes like regular folks do, and give tax breaks to middle class people so that we’re not losing a third of our checks to taxes then the another third to health insurance. Why the fuck do we have the most expensive health care premiums in the world? We can pay upwards of 300 to 500 dollars a month for insurance premiums and still have to pay co-pays and deductibles for services. Why the fuck don’t the premiums cover the co-pays? Talk about a monopoly on the system. The shit is rigged for you to go broke taking care of yourself if you get any type of illness.

This pandemic is waking Americans up to the need and desire to make more, while not constantly over-extending yourself. Make a living and not be so tired that you can’t have a life. No one is saying that they’re opposed to hard work, but we are opposed to hard work with nothing to show for it. So I say keep pushing, keep holding out and force these companies to have to increase their wages in order for us to work for them. Make them compete for our services. Clearly, Congress ain’t gone do shit to help us get the salaries we deserve, so we have to take it upon ourselves to get what we deserve. Secure your bag the way you want and live the best way you can in the process.

Heart Chronicles – Real High

Every so often I sit back and wonder what happened to me over the years. I see what use to be and how I use to feel and wonder, have I been that damaged that I don’t even really recognize myself today. The thing about pain and being hurt is that is strips away the naïve part of the mind that you live within. It hardens you to life and it can sap you of the natural highs that you use to feel often. You know I can remember when I was in my late teens and early twenties, I use to never need to smoke weed to feel that sensation of being high. I didn’t need to drink too much or smoke numerous blunts to be lifted to a place that felt beyond Earth. All I really had to do was wake up, and let the music play and my mind and heart were so filled with happiness that I just had natural highs that were epic. I remember one day I was just really feeing myself. I was feeling good and I had no real way to explain the feeling. I couldn’t really tell you why, other than I felt great. Even though I was dealing with a few challenges, it was nothing that I felt I couldn’t deal with, and consequently, I wasn’t bothered. That Saturday morning I got up, washed my face, brushed my teeth, turned on my music, opened my blinds and let the beautiful light from the sun come into my apartment. I smiled when I looked into the mirror and I just knew the day was going to be great.

Earth Wind and Fire was blaring through the speakers and I was jamming. I called my mom laughed with her a little bit, called my best friend and we talked for a couple hours too. Then I went about the day without a care in the world. I washed my car so she would feel as good and clean as I did, then came home and made some lunch. I called my other best friend and laughed at him for a bit and then just enjoyed the day. I remembered talking to some guy on the phone and he asked me was I high. LMAO. I guess because my voice was very much so full of life and I couldn’t stop laughing at him and making jokes. I told him at that time that I didn’t smoke, I was just truly high off life. I felt great, things were working in my favor and I just had so much joy and energy inside me that I feel like I’m floating. I remember him telling me to hold on to that feeling for as long as I can. He said that he had those moments too and when they happened he just tried to keep it going until it left him. Not rushing it away or trying to bring people into his environment who could potentially spoil his high.

That’s been so many years ago that I wonder if I even know what it’s like to have a natural high anymore. I sued to sometimes feel a spiritual high during and after church service, but they never really seemed to last too long. Usually within an hour or two of being out of service that feeling leaves and it’s back to whatever normal feelings that I have that day. I miss those feelings though too. At least knowing that those endorphins were kicking in to make me feel like the world is beneath me and I’m floating on air was amazing. Now, I can’t tell you what that feels like anymore. It’s been soo long since I’ve had that feeling that it just feels like I’m not even connected to my natural feelings anymore. At least not the ones that make me feel really good anyway. Those feelings are the shortest lived feelings ever right now in my life. I can feel good and be in good spirits and then just like a puff of wind, it’s gone. Replaced by the pain or sadness or depression that often roams through my head and heart. It’s like I’ve been robbed of the ability to naturally feel good about myself, the only thing that gets me there is a blunt.

I can remember me saying that I never wanted to be that type of person. I never wanted to have life hit me in such a way that I needed to turn to weed just to make myself feel good for any prolonged period of time. I always said that I would remember who I am and just how much the spirit of life was in me and that would always be with me through the trials of life. I thought that I had solid foundational understanding of how to keep in touch with that part of my heart and spirit. Now here we are today and I can tell you that I don’t who that man is anymore. Seriously, I don’t even know who I am anymore. There was a time when having a lot of sex to me was a turn off. It was an afterthought because I always wanted to be settled and married to just one guy. Letting him have all of me and me having all of him. Always willing to be experimental with him so that we never lost the spice in bed. Never going soo far as to just get too loose with it and being the whore that I’ve become. I look at myself and I ask myself who have I become? Why do I hate myself so much that I’m willing to let myself be used for sex so much? Notice I didn’t say just my ass or dick, because I use them both.

It is one of the hardest and disappointing things that I’ve come to realize about myself. My ability to create and release that natural high seems to be long gone. A thing of the past that doesn’t seem to be returning anytime soon. I’ve tried for the past couple days not to smoke weed to see if I can create that feeling of being high on my own, and it really hasn’t worked out so well. The laughs still come, the jokes are still right there at the top of my head, but the fun isn’t really there. After I say my few jokes, I recede back into my own world. Not wanting to be bothered or talked to very much. More interested in the show that’s playing on the tv on my phone, than listening to what anyone has to say. Knowing that if I was high, I would be all engaged and just laughing it up, but I’m not and I don’t really want to be bothered. I really wonder if I’ve lost all sense of who I am. I wonder if I have lost all ability to love life for what it is, no matter the struggles that come my way. I watch my friends and shit living and enjoying life, while me I sit and just seem to stay stuck. Unable to let go and just enjoy the moments in life. I’m alone and depressed. All people want to do is lie and make themselves feel good by getting in my energy, taking my energy and then going on about their way. Not wanting to really expend the energy to know me, just feeding their fuel cells with my premium energy.

I guess I’ve been too damaged and too scared to really appreciate life for now. Maybe something will puncture this bubble and I will be able to breathe again. Find the air that lets natural highs reign supreme and removes the need to hit them trees. I try every day to find that person that use to exist. Not to return to the old, but bring part of the old into the new. Mold that sweet, exuberant energy with the wise maturity of today. A hybrid that is dynamic and unstoppable. I pray I find that man before it’s too late. God I miss seeing me, the true and pure form of me. A natural high is the best feeling ever and one day that high will find me again.

Heart Chronicles – A Liars Truth

I don’t know if this will apply to anyone who reads this, but maybe you know someone like this or you’ve been the recipient of this type of situation. There is a reality that I’ve learned about someone who has lied to you on an important level, that to me is funny and at the same time disturbing. A liar feels that once they’ve found their conscious to tell you the truth that they shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of your energy after being told the truth, because they’ve already had to deal with their own issues and feelings about the situation. It’s like they feel entitled to be let off the hook from any further consequence, like ok they admitted to the truth so give them credit and let the situation die. I don’t know who told them that, but that has got to be the biggest bunch of bullshit I’ve ever seen. Admitting that you lied isn’t the get out of jail free card. It is the start of maybe being forgiven, and working your way towards being trusted again. The truth starts that process towards healing and having real openness, not you feeling vindicated and just simply moving forward.

Something else that learned about a liar’s truth, is they may not accept all of what them telling the truth means. They don’t necessarily accept that there are emotional pains that need to be healed from the lies. When you lie about serious matters and then come clean, it creates a ripple effect that takes time to recover from, if you ever recover. The trust that’s lost may never return, and just as importantly, the emotional scars you caused by hiding the truth and just expecting your honesty to remove whatever damage you caused is totally unrealistic. I don’t understand why someone who lied feels that they can just snap their fingers with the truth and magically everything is back to normal. You have to do some work to try and gain back what was lost. The vibe is completely fucked up, the energy is off balance, and your mind is no where near stable. Your heart is most likely torn too, because you gave it to someone thinking that they’re going to protect it and cherish it. Instead, they decide to hurt it and tear it apart. Do people think about the full consequences of their act of lying? Is it that you think the truth is more hurtful that those lies you’re about to tell. Or is it that you’re too selfish and don’t want to lose someone?

The worst thing that a liar can do is tell the truth and then shut the conversation off because they don’t want to hear how they’ve made the person feel. It is a cowards way out to me and it also shows how little respect you have for the feelings of the person you’ve been lying to. How can you expect to turn the page and maintain anything of substance if you don’t allow the person to fully express how they feel. It all rings of selfishness in my mind and there really isn’t way to spin it to say it is anything different. If anyone says, oh I lied to protect you because I didn’t think you could handle knowing the truth, you’re just covering up the fact that you knew if you told the truth the person would stop fucking wit yo lame ass. It wasn’t that you lied to protect them, you lied to protect yourself. You knew that you would be on the outs and lose out on someone that was good for you, so you hid that shit so you could keep what you got. The problem is either your conscious or the pressure of keeping up them lies would get the best of you at some point. That is if you really care about the person, you’re not going to want to keep lying to them or hiding shit from them. If you’re just narcistic. In that case, you will keep lying to protect your ass.

Come to think of it, I’m almost sure that most everyone has dealt with this in some fashion with someone close to them in life. Be it a spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend or family member. You know how you felt when the truth was finally told to you. You know that sickening feeling that you got in your stomach. You know how angry and hurt it made you to know that that person would lie to you about something important and significant. I’m sure in the moments that followed you questioned that person, their loyalty to you and whether or not you could trust them. I just really wonder why so many liars feel they’re entitled to coming clean and not having to hear about it though. Like you really feel that you should get a medal for telling the truth. You know, the thing that you’re supposed to do anyway. If you had done that to begin with, there wouldn’t be a need for the moment in the first place. As I found myself in this situation not too long ago, I sat thinking all the things that I’ve written about today. My conclusion for my situation is that the nigga was selfish and only wanted to think about him and what he wanted. Little does he know, it is all coming to an end, sooner than he realizes.

Like, comment, discuss with your people. Tell the truth.

Heart Chronicles – You Say We’re Friends

This has been eating away at me for a little bit of time now and I guess now is as good of a time as any to really release these feelings and thoughts. I’m currently in the middle of trying to figure out, what is really a friend and who in my life really fits that image. It’s funny, for as long as I can remember I’ve never really struggled to have what you would call friends. As a child I made friends easily and seemingly effortlessly. It was pretty easy to tell that we had a real friendship at that time. How you say? Because those people were always around me and I was always around them too. It didn’t matter if I moved away from the neighborhood or we into the normal dumb arguments that friends have, we were always going to wind up right back around each other before too much time passed. And the biggest thing about it was that it very rarely one sided. Meaning, my friends would call and come see about me just as much as I would see about them. It was a mutual understanding of friendship and brotherhood/sisterhood. Never to be too far away from each other. Never allow ourselves to get so busy that we lose track of each other. Those were the easier days too I suppose. No responsibility really, just school, homework and playing. No kids, or careers/ jobs, boyfriends or girlfriends to really disrupt the circle too much.

What inevitably happens though, is we get older and the roads we take in life separate us sometimes. Some move out of state for college, or just to start life elsewhere. Some get married, have kids and settle down, which means their friend group is going to change. A married person with kids definitely tends to connect with other married or parenting type folks. They have more in common and have a better idea of how to offer the support needed during the child raising and marital life situations. So it is understandable that friendships grow and develop on some levels and they shrink or become estranged on other levels. Yet, I am one person who believes that real true friendships withstand all of those things. When it is someone who has shared your life intimately and have become like family, they don’t just get swept out and away. You just don’t forget them or push them out of the routine of your life. That’s what I thought, maybe I was wrong about that. Maybe they dynamics of all friendships change such that when you’re out of sight then you are somewhat out of mind. No matter how much you try to use that phone to keep contact, it just doesn’t work if there is too much distance and so much of life being lived that you just don’t have time.

Over the past couple of years I have come to wonder just how many real friends do I have currently in my life. This question sometimes hit me like a ton of bricks, as both newer, but lengthy friendships seem to have faded away and the long term ones don’t seem as settled and fulfilling. Far more distance and one sided contact than what I ever thought would happen. I’ve asked the friends that I thought I had on numerous occasions to meet up just to catch up. To have dinner or drinks or do something so we can take some time to reconnect, build back the foundation that may have cracks and every time I’m shut down and told no. Reasons that in my mind aren’t valid or justified for just not trying to have some bonding time. I find myself now ever increasingly alone, no one to consistently talk to, hang out with, travel and just enjoy some of life’s moments. Hell even sexually, friends with benefits are harder and harder to come by here in this city. So many preferring to continue to try new and unknown partners, rather than gettin what they know is grade A quality and satisfaction. It’s the desire to have group sex or threesomes all the time. It’s the what can you do for me, friend with benefits. You know we can fuck around as long as you doing more than just giving me sex.

Nothing replaces that feeling of being able to call your best friends or your really close friends and talking about the day. Maybe gossiping about the bullshit at work or what someone said to you. Talking about the same shows you guys watch or planning a trip or outing together. Things that create memories and make lasting moments. If you cherish these types of interactions, nothing makes you feel more angst, sadness and hurt than not being able to have those reliable people there, around and close to go through some of life’s darkest moments. Yes, I can say that I have a couple that fit this mold and I’m so thankful for them. The truth is, the ones that were the closest and that I’ve known the longest, are the ones that aren’t here. They’re the ones that things are so one sided; if I don’t message them or call them, then I’m never going to hear from them until something happens. It hurts when you feel yourself losing a friend. When you know that you’ve done all you can and you’ve tried to talk to them about it and still it goes away. There are days where I really feel as if I have no one. That is a very lonesome feeling, it’s one that makes you question your character and whether people really are for you, when you’re not doing things that immediately benefit them. And it all makes you wonder, you are really my friend.