So many times we hear that you shouldn’t dwell on the past. It’s said in many different iterations and forms, all with the same meaning. But, there is also knowledge passed that you must learn from your past or else you will be doomed to repeat it. These competing messages offer a glimpse into why so many people, in my mind, struggle to reckon with their past wishes and failures. And why, in their present, they have such disappointment. I have to admit that I am guilty of this a little bit and I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve experienced too many past blow ups of great dreams that I feel stagnant and disappointed in my present. Or, if it is because the dreams of the past were so strong and positive and genuine; and because of the people who I tried to share those dreams with, it left a void and a lot of heart break and sadness. Either way, when you can begin to identify those things and work to reconcile those issues and feelings, then you can work to turn your present dreams into present and future success.

Sometimes when you start dreaming of the future and planning to have a certain someone be apart of that future, it can take a lot of energy and emotional fuel out of you when that dream blows up in smoke. Especially, if it’s a hard breakup or life altering situations within that end. It can leave you hesitant to draw up the next big personal dream that involves another. It can also make you not want to dream those utopian ideas for you and the next love interest. Often times, I’ve found that it turns people into one of two things. It either makes them very hard and rigid. Preferring to be single and have causal, surface level relationships with people. Just keeping themselves and their bodies bottled up, avoiding the flights of fancy that caused their heart to be broken however many times. The other type of person it spawns is the more loose and carefree person. The one who is far more sexually permissive and explorative. They don’t mind having multiple casual sexual interests, but careful and intentional enough to make sure it doesn’t extend beyond that. They don’t mind making you a permanent friend with benefits, but know that something more serious is highly unlikely.

Me personally, it took years of having my dreams end in nightmares before I just turned into the person who has a lot of sex, makes many friends with benefits, but very few real friends. And in turn, lovers who never really commit themselves to me, just the idea of being with me. Getting all the benefits that I offer. A good heart, giving and great sex, all while plotting their next moves. I’ve tried to be, and have been, in serious relationships the past few years, and all of them wind up ending around the same type of issues. Me not feeling appreciated enough, feeling like my sex is the main attraction, along with my money, too much talk of commitment and not enough action. Never being shown, the way I show them, that they’re important and a priority in my life. So lately, the past six months or so, what has happened is now I’ve just really dismissed the idea of a relationship. I’ve stuck to what I know works best and gets the most attention for me. Having lots of sex, most of the time good to great sex, but sometimes major disappointments there too.

It all revolves around the idea that the past pains from dreams unfulfilled lead to present distractions and resentments, that cause you to not want to lean into those pure and idealistic dreams. Rather, you choose to live in the sarcastic and manipulated real world that we live in. One in which, you have to carefully and wisely decide if, or when, you will use the dreams of your past to hopefully create the happiness of your present. For some you may not understand, or you may disagree, and that too is okay. I’ve learned that people often don’t want accept that the reasons for their actions in the present is directly tied to the results from the past. Most like to think that it is an evolution of sorts that got them to where they are today. That because of what they went thru before they made changes to themselves that lets them behave how they do today. And while I don’t completely disagree with that position, because I do believe there is an element of that in all of us, I am much more of the mindset that if you haven’t fully reconciled those past hurts, you’re really just running from those old thoughts and desires. Letting yourself exist in a shell to protect yourself or as a hoe to shield yourself from is really going on inside of you.

The truth is all that hurt and pain from before creates self doubt. You have issues with your self-esteem, because you aren’t certain that you’re worthy enough to have the things you dream about in the real, woke world that you live in. It fuels your general negative feelings that exist in your mind. We have to face facts that the negative thoughts that we hold sometimes are far easier to tap into than the positive ones. When you take stock of the personal relationships you have built and if you have feelings of being slighted or unappreciated, it can have a tendency to feed the narrative that somehow you aren’t good enough or deserving of those things you think about. It takes a very mentally stable and strong individual to realize that you can’t allow for the absence of another to be associated with you necessarily. If you know that you have only been good to that person and never wronged them, you have to accept that maybe they just aren’t meant to be that close to you in life. And while it does hurt, it is a truth that you have to come to grips with in order to prevent an erosion of your personal wealth.

To be clear this also isn’t just about love relationships either. Sometimes the biggest disappointments and unfulfilled dreams lie within friendships and family relationships as well. These can have a lasting and often times largely damaging effect on someone if they don’t have positive energy. The foundation of a person is usually established at home with your family and loved ones. If those relationships sour and destroy the dreams that you had of what support from family and close friends looks like, then that also is likely to have a grave impact. It is likely to leave you questioning everyone else as you struggle to find the desire and ability to trust strangers, because those you know have caused you so much pain and disappointment along the way. It’s very unfortunate, but it is the way of life that you have to be careful of everyone that you allow to enter your personal space. You have to caution yourself as to how much you allow yourself to dream those sugary dreams, because what lies on the other side of that is disappointment, anger, frustration and pain. How you navigate through all of that will be critical for how your present looks and feels to you.

Maybe the worst things that can happen are for family members and close friends to dramatically cause emotional scars to you. It has a lasting effect that sometimes never goes away. It masks itself and will rear it’s head in your mind and thoughts. Sure to cause to emotional instability and disconnects as you go along your journey. When these things become the norm and the exception, it is time for you to look inward and decide if you are ready to handle those emotional challenges that are preventing you from having true happiness in your life. You can’t be afraid to challenge the people that you hold near and dear to you. It’s the only way that you will break through that cycle of pain. In order to hurt people to stop hurting people, they have address the issues that are bringing them the pain, so they can resolve the hurt, find the peace and stop inflicting pain onto others. Heal the world by healing yourself. If each of us took that time to do some healing, then we really could make this world better than what it has been.