Over and over I think about what a friend is suppose to be. I challenge myself to select friends that I have in my based upon that particular definition. Then, I erase that mindset and just ask a simpler question… Who is there for me when I need them? Who checks on me when I haven’t sent messages in a couple days or so? Who doesn’t wait for their to be a situation or a provoking post, to reach out and check on my well being? Who isn’t switching up, now that I don’t run the streets much or I don’t over extend myself for them? All of these questions, you might say are more complex that asking myself the definition of friend and seeing who fits it. And if you think that way, then you’re missing part of this entire post. Asking myself that question means I’m making it complex. Because, I’m choosing to omit things that maybe I need to consider. So to ask the direct and pointed questions make it easy. It takes away the guessing or the built in reasons, or excuses, that might be provided and simply gets to the root. Who really cares?

Depending on how you think and what your life experience is, you may think that it’s unfair to associate who really cares, with the above mentioned simple questions asked. Because you might be quick to point out that someone may be going through things in life or they may be transitioning to different levels within their personal or professional careers. It may be some kind of difficulty that they’ve experienced and they need to be supported and checked on, rather than doing the supporting and consoling. In some fashion, you may have a point, but the purpose of friendship is to provide that life raft, any point when it is needed, and if you’re always the person that is waiting for someone to reach out to you in order for you to lend your support, well you’re actually part of the problem. Friends are suppose to have a spirit-like connection. They can sense or feel when someone they care for is in distress or discomfort. And if they can’t, once contact is made they can realize that something is off and change the tenor and tone of their communicative efforts.

To me, friends don’t require reminding or primping. They don’t need you to always be the first to call and check in. Maybe, there is a little time between communicating, but it shouldn’t be the regular practice that you go weeks and months without talking with one another. That seems like a long distance friend. Or maybe a friend out of convenience. Or maybe, they’re just a normal friend. Not to be confused with best friend or close friend. I’m not sure which way you really want to try and isolate or separate the friend category, but one thing I think should be clear, is that there should never really be a feeling of a one sided friendship. If that does occur, maybe you need to redefine how close of a friend this person really is to you. Or alter your definition and thinking of a friend. For me, as of late, I have been questioning if my definition of friend is appropriate. Maybe I need to rethink of how a friendship is constituted. It feels like to me, I’m losing all the close friendships that I have. It feels like everyone is just becoming a causal, situational friend. It doesn’t feel like I have a best friend or any close friends at all. It all is starting to feel transactional. Like when their moment calls for it, they are a close friend, but on the large picture scale, I’m just another one of their many “friends”. Nothing special to the friendship, as initially thought, just someone else who can fill the void when needed. To answer to their needs and comforts when called upon.

It’s crazy to me that when I was in my lowest of places. My darkest of corners and despair, there were more of these close friends to be found. Maybe because I was weak and more prone to being taken advantage of for their needs. You know, willing to spend whatever I had so we could hang out and have fun. Or allowing them to use my place as their retreat from life’s challenges. Venting their hurts and pains, their shortcomings and complaints, being a sexual release, in some cases, when they didn’t want the risks of the unknown, but the assurances and guarantees of satisfaction and safety in my possession. It’s so hard when you are and have been so present for people, to not get that treatment in any meaningful way back from them. And yes, I’m that friend who will blunt say, I don’t feel appreciated to any and all friends, so it’s known how I feel. Wait for the usual bull shit answer and regret that I even said anything because it never really changes anything. The truth is, as with all other things, when you are a true friend that someone cares about they will make time to give you time. Whether it’s a little or a lot. No matter daily or weekly, there will be time given to validate those feelings of attachment that you have because of the bond that you’ve built.

It is truly odd to me that someone who doesn’t know me well, or hasn’t had the experiences and bonds with me over time, is more willing and desiring to be in my space than the people who know my quality and character. They’re the ones that can be found that will quickly shoot that empty, baseless Happy Birthday text or post, but have no real substance or meaning behind it. Finding way to avoid being present but at the same time wanting to preserve their “spot” as a true friend. Far too may days I’m alone. Alone in my thoughts and alone in my feelings. Missing the companionship of friends. Wondering why people reduce it down to what you can do for them. Can you deliver great sex? Can you provide refuge from the elements? Can you provide them some kind of assistance, so then they may give you their time. Always a transaction. Always something for something, never something for nothing. Never sacrificing getting something for doing something. Maybe, that’s why now instead of trying to push for time with friends, I just try to make the most of the time with myself. Lonely and as quiet as it may be, I don’t have to worry about any ulterior motives. I don’t have to wonder am I going to be expected to pay for the meal or take us shopping because I want to do something.

Oh how I miss the days of being a kid. When having friendships truly existed. I had real friends then. We did everything together even when the outside world didn’t understand how our friendships came to be and how they manage to be so strong. Before the complexities of life and the worries of image and association became so important. Before it mattered if people cared how you spent your time. And before you became concerned with you being on the high end of the transaction. A friend allows you to take yourself out of the world of Me and firmly place yourself in the word of We. I miss those we days. They were so fun and fulfilling. But, over time, I’ve grown tired of trying to continue to cultivate new genuine friendships, where we willingly sacrifice I for Us. Missing in action.