You know one of the most difficult things to do is to talk about mental health issue, and/or, personal insecurities that you have within yourself. It requires to have a level of vulnerability that not everyone is comfortable with having. Sometimes it takes me time to write some of these more revealing posts because I have to mentally prepare myself for the vulnerability I’m about to show, but I think that the mark of a good to great writer, is being willing to put yourself into your writing. That is, allowing your readers to see and feel you in what you writing. This post, much like the one that posted earlier this week, is tough, because it is forcing me to openly confront certain issues that are deeply personal and issues that I don’t quite have control of. But I think for the sake of my healing and for transparency I want to lay it out here and address it.

The truth of me is that I struggle with depression and I have type two bi-polar disorder. These things combined together produce some very twisted voices in my head. There are days where I’m feeling good and positive about the changes and progress made in life. And in an instant, my mind will think about where I currently am and where I should be and it will cause a regression back to the insecure version of myself that exists. Or, I will think about the sexual addiction I have and while I should be far more concerned with containing it, I’m actively thinking about who I can fuck and when. It’s something that makes me feel some kind of way because my memory also triggers me back to the trauma and devastation that I’ve experienced dealing with my ex. You know when you already have depression and anxiety issues, and you have bi-polar disorder, it can be a very difficult combination. Most people only think about the aggressive and violent end of being bi-polar. But, there is a even more unpredictable and potentially harmful side to this disorder, and that’s the depression that can take over.

Much like the manic episodes that someone can have when they’re angry, when someone who is bipolar goes through their depression stages, they can get very deep and dark. It can make you question everything that you’re doing and why you’re doing it. It can make you feel very worthless and unfulfilled. At times, it can make you feel very isolated and alone. It can sometimes make you feel like the world is looking at you, when the reality is you are feeling the pressures from your own mental breakdown. Having multiple voices operating inside me is a challenge. It pushes the boundaries of how focused I can be. It often makes me do contrasting things or feel contrasting feelings. It’s very hard to understand if you don’t identify with this condition. It has been such a struggle because honestly, when I have these spaced out thoughts and feelings I just don’t know what to do. I be wanting to be alone and by myself, but then I want to hear people that care tell me it’s ok. Then I want someone I care about just hold me because I need to feel reassured. And then the other part of my mind wants to fuck and just be wreckless, and have as much fun as possible. Depression is a real thing within this dynamic and mixing that with a high sexual propensity, and a bad temper and having a bit of an anxiety problem and you get a very sporadic disposition. For me this is where I sit.