Month: April 2021

Leave a comment Posted on dating, lifestyle, love, Sex

Heart Chronicles – Can’t get enough

I don’t know if I’ve ever admitted this to the universe, but today is going to be a first. Maybe this blog will help to break that seemingly suffocating cloud that looms in my environment, blocking the next phase of my journey from being grabbed and accepted. Today I have to admit that I’m an sex addict. I don’t know really when this became known to me, but I am here to acknowledge it today. It feels so weird to admit to such a thing because sex is seen as so out of bounds by many, misunderstood by some and nasty by others. Maybe it’s because I’m a openly, Black, gay man and I know that in my community those are three strikes right there, so to also admit that I have an addiction to having sex with men just seems like the final nail in my proverbial coffin. I mean how much more of a sinner could I be in the eyes of some right? For the question is.. how the fuck did I let this happen? When did I really become this sex starved guy? For the longest I use to be the guy that wanted that long term commitment. Wanting to have someone who wanted to share his body mind and soul with me. That way, the sex would feel better, it would linger longer, my dick would stay hard seemingly forever, and my ass would so moist that just a couple strokes would make me cream. I yearned for that in every relationship I had, and because of that, I wasn’t really willing to just fuck just because. I thought that having a couple sex partners being single was cool, but not too many. Always wanting to save the extras for that one guy.

Well, somewhere between being cheated on and mistreated and abused, I guess that hopeless romantic, that deep lover, got sidelined and gave way to the whore that exists today. It feels like I can’t even stop when I say that I’m going to take a break. Since I’ve been single the past 6 months, it’s like I’ve been playing catch for the lack of sexual attention and satisfaction my ex gave me the prior 6 months that we were living together. It felt as though with him I was willing to wait for the moon in order to have sex with him. It didn’t happen often at all, the fuck sessions in six months together. He probably sucked my dick maybe 10 times total. He complained that my dick was too thick made his jaws hurt, so he didn’t want to suck it so often, even though he claimed that dick sucking was his passion. He complained that my width stretched his hole too much and do he couldn’t take having sex regularly with me. Through all that I attempted to make the best of the times when we did. All the while, in the back of my mind I was screaming for more. Wanting to have passionate, love making sex, three times a week. Knowing that anything else would be too much, I figured that would be reasonable. It wasn’t for him and so my drought was epic for me. I thought at that moment I had my sexual sweet tooth under control.

However, once we broke up, it was like the chains to my sexual demon were unleashed and I haven’t been able to stop myself or slow down at all. One after another, same guy, different guy. Ass, dick, head and all of the above. Solo missions and threesomes. One a day up to as many as four a day. Temporarily stopping to get sleep and allow my body to have a slight recovery. Only to be tempted by a cute face, delicious body, big dick, juicy ass, and all that I’ll slow up talk disappeared like smoke from a blunt in the air. Replaced by a sultry lust for release. Not satisfied until that last drop of cum leaves my or his dick. Asses wet, flip fucking, that means we fuck each other, smiling when it’s all said and done. Smoking a blunt or two, just to loosen things up and allow the real freaks to emerge and leave their mark. U name the location, I’ve done it. The driveway, the street, the duck off, the car, the house, the shower, the bathroom, work, home it didn’t matter. I was willing to be caught if it meant releasing that beast that wanted to feel that sexual satisfaction. The fact that I’ve fucked at every job I’ve had since I’ve returned to this city is crazy. To be fair I’ve had two full time jobs and two part times jobs. I’ve fucked in the department store dressing room too. I’ve fucked with people watching in the room, with the blinds and curtains open. I’ve recorded some sessions and watched them back while we prepare to fuck again. All of these encounters and it still hasn’t been enough to satisfy that taste.

What’s crazier is that there is a specific set of people out there, who all they really want is the one off sex with you. No matter how good it was, they don’t want to repeat, they want someone different each time or a different scenario. I am the type of addict that if you got some shit ass and/or dick, I wanna keep getting it until I can’t have it anymore. Blow my mind and make me want to leave you alone. But that just seems to be a little too much here. The itch is too strong that once you have it once, maybe twice, they move on; which in turn means I move on to the next too. Finding the next one who’s ready to fill that prescription. Make me feel how I want to feel so that for that moment or day, my sexual desires are satisfied. I used to know how many people I had slept with. Even when the number was just barely over 100 I knew. Now, it’s been soo many people. Soo many hook ups, link ups and fucks, that I really don’t know. I can’t remember them all if I tried hard, because some days it was all a blur. That sexual fire burning so bright all I cared to do was have my fire rage, and then extinguished from however many sexual interactions it took to calm that flame.

Maybe it’s because of all the hurt and pain that I just turn to the sex as a means of coping. So many years spent trying to be a great boyfriend. Doing all the things I feel that a man should do to keep home happy. Making sure that my lover knew no lack, no not only materialistically, but completely. Loving on him, giving him attention, feeling his emotions. No, I was never perfect and will never pretend to be, but I know I was a damn good boyfriend. I always tried to work on my flaws and made sure that I didn’t make the same mistakes in the next relationship as I did in the prior one. Always willing to take constructive feedback to work on myself and be a better me. That shit never worked. All it did was allow niggas a chance to get the utopia they dreamed of and then run away, claiming they weren’t ready for that realness yet. Maybe it’s how I’m dealing with the loss of my twins and the abortion of what would have been my first born son a couple years earlier. Maybe it’s a ways for me to feel appreciated just a little. As twisted as it may sound, to hear and feel and see someone express their gratitude for your sexual pleasings makes you feel a little better about yourself. Until you realize that it’s just fucking, that you’re just a one off or a dick or ass call, then you want more. Maybe, it’s my way of filling the void of the people that I thought were friends, who ducked out on me. Years of fun times together. Laughing, joking, breaking bread, being there, listening, helping, supporting. But when the time came for me to get that support, feel that love, get that listening ear, break bread to help reassure me all would be well, that was too much to ask and all I get are half assed dry conversations. Avoidance of in person meet ups, to catch up and bond again.

Sex became my escape and my drug. Sex became the way for me to meet some half way cool people. No, they weren’t my true friends, but they filled a void in some way. Some times the sex did become regular, or we did more than just fuck here and there. Never enough, but just enough to take away that edge for that moment or that day. Leaving a trail though, of emptiness and loneliness in its wake. I guess while I don’t know exactly when I became a sex addict, I definitely know why I am one. How or if I can get rid of it, I guess that is the million dollar question.

Talk back to me… do you relate to this at all?

Leave a comment Posted on current events, Politics, real talk

A Broken Spirit

So, I’ve been watching the trial of former police officer Derek Chauvin and I have to tell you that this case to me is very simply a case of humanity versus brutality. It is a test of the human spirit and shows why so many feel this country is broken and the spirit of this nation is not intact as it should be. If you have watched the trail the first three days and have seen the video footage of the heinous and inexplicable murder of George Floyd, there is no way that can’t come away moved and emotional. To watch a man have his life taken away from him in front of you. To hear him calling out for his mother and officer Chauvin show no type of remorse or care for the Mr. Floyd. For him to continually say that he can’t breathe, that he was in pain, that his body was hurting and for the officer to dig his knee even deeper into his neck. If you watch the body position of the officer it is clearly an aggressive and intentional posture. He had his hands in pockets or at his waist, which indicates he had no intention of getting off Mr. Floyd until he was dead, not moving and unresponsive. For nine minutes and twenty nine seconds, that man had his knee deeply implanted into the back of George Floyds neck. Despite cries from witnesses that he was having a hard time breathing, despite them saying they saw his face turn purple. People saying they saw his nose bleed, they saw his life being pressed out of him, until he eventually gave way to the force and died.

That was inhumane, that was barbaric, that was intentional, that was cruel and unusual punishment, that was excessive force. What ever legal terminology you want to use to describe the actions of this former officer, he committed murder. He killed that man in cold blood and had no reason to do so, and it has nothing to do with Blue Lives Matter or the Thin Blue Line or any of that bullshit. Derek Chauvin was not in any imminent danger from George Floyd at any point in time. There was zero need for the amount of force that he used to subdue and ultimately kill George Floyd. I don’t want to hear any excuses for his behavior. Can we please as a nation and as a people call this particular incident what it was, Murder! You can hear George Floyd begging and pleading for his life. Saying that he will do whatever the officers want him to do. You hear witnesses begging Derek Chauvin to take his knee off Mr. Floyd’s neck. They pleaded for them to check on his welfare to make sure he was breathing. The store clerk was shaken and disturbed. All the people who saw this scene were shocked, shaken and dismayed that they were witnessing a murder in front of their eyes, and none of the officers who were on the scene seemed to give a damn about whether or not Mr. Floyd lived.

As a black man in America we already know that there is a target on our back as big as the Hollywood sign in LA. We know that we are always assumed guilty and we’re always assumed to be aggressive and potentially violent, even if we are not. No matter what, once the police were called on George Floyd he was going to be subject to profiling and prejudice because in most cases that is the automatic assertion from law enforcement. Let’s understand this situation plainly so everyone can understand. We had a man go to multiple business establishments in Atlanta, Georgia and kill eight people! He walked out of that situation with his life and well being. A man walked into a grocery store and fired off numerous rounds, killing ten people! He was superficially wounded, but he walked away from the scene whole! George Floyd used a fake twenty dollar bill to by a pack of cigarettes! A pack of damn cigs! And he lost his life. What are the factors here between these three crimes. Two of them are Felony Murder! One was a misdemeanor. Two were heinous, resulted in numerous lives lost, one resulted in no harm being done at all to the establishment, but one man lost his life. Oh, that’s right.. the two murder suspects were fair skinned, White men. George Floyd was a black man. Case closed. The Black community is watching intensely as this trial progresses. When this jury delivers its verdict, it will really tell you if the spirit of this nation is broken, or on the mend to repair. Stay tuned. It’s emotional to watch and hard to stomach, but we must see injustice to fix injustice.

Black Lives Matter

Leave a comment Posted on dating, love, real talk

Heart Chronicles – Letting Go

I’ve spent some time thinking about this current post that I’m writing tonight. It’s suffice to say that we have struggle with this at some point in our lives, for various reasons. In this particular situation I’m addressing the difficulty of having to let go of someone that had your heart. It’s arguably one of the most difficult things that we have to do in life. Whenever we open ourselves up and let someone get close to us, we hope that we never have to close that door and remove or alter how we see that person or those people. In terms of a romantic relationship, it seems that nothing is harder than to have to give up on someone that you love. I think it is pretty obvious why this is so hard, but I’m going to dig a little deeper into the details and also give the logical reasons as to why it ultimately is for your benefit that you move on from what was.

You know on the surface it’s easy for someone to say you need to move on from someone. Or for them to question you as to why you have decided to stay with someone much longer than they feel you should, or longer than what the outside world says you should based upon what they see. The missing element is that anyone who is offering their advice or their opinion, is likely missing key elements as to why you have stayed. They could range from having children, to living together and having financial business tied up together. It could be that when you were in a compromising position that person helped you out of that unfortunate situation. Or maybe for that head space that you were in during that period of your life they were the perfect comforter and supporter. These things lead to emotional connections being deeper than people on the outside know, and it also means that you are more likely to hang in there and fight for what you have if you believe it to be true. Even if it has gone a little past the expiration date, you don’t want to give up on someone because it gets difficult or because you aren’t as in sync as you once were. You like to think that maybe it’s just life intervening and once you have time to address the issues y’all will be back on track.

Don’t get me wrong, often times that does prove to be the case. Life makes relationships go through good periods and rough period. And it is often the ones who refuse to accept less than or accept that life’s challenges will ruin something that they felt is meant for them. Sometimes we like to think that we are bigger than the issues that befall us. Yet, there is a fine line that must be walked when trying to fix something or hang onto someone when things aren’t going so well. Sometimes, that struggle is meant to reveal true character and allow for you to decide if the two of you have out grown each other, or maybe just one of you is ready to move on to another and the other person isn’t quite ready yet. See things happen to give you insight and help you make the appropriate decisions when it comes to the ones you choose to love. Often times we don’t want to accept it because the answer is usually definitive and counter to what we want to do. I’m here to tell you that it may be best to listen to that voice and heed the vision being shown to you. It could very well be setting you up for your next love and better match to come into your life.

You have to be willing to put past people and relations behind you in order to make room for the future and present situations in your life. You can’t always be afraid to let go of someone, let them grow, let yourself grow and move on to the next phase of your life. I do truly believe that if someone is meant to be yours they will be. And at the same time, I believe that you can miss your blessing because you’re too busy stuck on what was and what has been and not on what is and what will be. Be willing to allow your heart to feel disappointed, reassuring it that better is coming and better is waiting for you to be ready for it to come to you. Don’t shy away from love and being love. Take your time though, to heal from past pain and hurt. To evaluate yourself and be fully prepared to present yourself fully to the next person. While also being prepared to handle the baggage that will come with the next person. Failure produces growth if you pay attention and learn the lessons. So that should only make you better prepared for the next relationship that comes your way.

Next time you have a situation in front of you that you know isn’t going to last or make it, don’t be afraid to say I got to let you go. I’ve got to move on, because that will be the thing that saves you more heartbreak and devastation. It will also be the things that propels you to future successes and greatness. What do you think?