Doesn’t it sometimes feel like love isn’t meant to hit you the way it has others? You know, you’ve had relatively successful relationships, but for one reason or the other they never seem to make over the last hurdle to long time sustained happiness. Whether it be your young and dumb and trying to live life or you deal with someone who has self esteem issues and they prevent them from fully trusting in you and the foundation that you all built. Only to turn to the opposite race and settle for less, when the world was your oasis with you. Maybe you come across that person who is trying to pick themselves up after a horrible breakup and they aren’t ready for all of you even though they profess that they are. Maybe you come across someone who’s use to doing the break up to make up bit with someone and so they only know how to have toxic relationship practices and they bring them into the relationship with you.

It could also be possible that you deal with a fake and fraud. Someone who is pretending to want long term happiness and relations, only to protect their own interests. You know, maybe they need a place to stay because they really don’t have no where to go, so you become the means to an end. And it could just be that you aren’t ready yourself. You are recovering from bad relationships and hurtful past dealings. Truth is I want to be happy and married and loved on by that man who wants to ride with me just the same as I’m going to ride for him. The problem is, too many niggas want to play games and be tepid about committing because they feel like they’re going to miss something. Seeing people who came along and didn’t appreciate what I brought to the table, or I wasn’t prepared for them, involved with someone else is a bitter sweet pill. On the one hand, I’m truly happy for them and glad they found happiness. On the other, I’m very disappointed, especially if I gave the very best of me, that they didn’t show me the same love and effort they show their current.

Something I don’t understand though, is every single person that I’ve ever been with, except one, has always tried to come back and have something with me after we ended. There is an admission that they haven’t found anyone who loved and appreciated them the way that I did. And while I appreciate them saying it, it pisses me off because why the fuck couldn’t you appreciate me when we were together. Maybe then we would still be together. Quite possibly we could be married, having a family and living the life that we wanted to live. It makes me wonder if I’m doomed to be alone until the end. Sprinkled with intermittent relationships that help to pass time and fill the gaps until it’s time for me to leave this earth. It just seems like this is one thing that always been just a little out of reach for a reason unknown to me. I have never been able to fully understand why I’m never really appreciated but I can tell you that it hurts. Because most times people just want to feel appreciated by those they love, especially inside of a relationship. And then to see them give that effort to someone else does make you kinda question why not you?

This blog doesn’t seek to find a solution because there is no way to know when love is going to find you and who it will be. But sitting here writing this and thinking back, damn man I’ve been fucked over more than I can remember. From being in love with my first and him not having self trust and restraint to believe in us. To my ten years love affair off and one with a man who use to treat me like a king, but he could never fully commit himself to me. There was the light skin pretty boy that I didn’t see coming, who seemed to really enjoy the dynamic we created, only to show that was the means to his end for him. The insecure guy who had all the promise in the world, but was too stuck on the irrelevant shit that caused things to go off the rails. The young twink who was ready to make it us versus the world, but was wayy too arrogant and controlling. The young hustler who was trying to make a name for himself, that I didn’t give the time to finish developing into the finished product. The lying drug head that wound up destroying my life with abuse and lies. The sweet young man who gave me his heart but wasn’t ready for the full commitment.

These represent, to me, the closest relationships that could have ended in the forever. And then there were the few friends with benefits, where the chemistry was there but I guess the timing was just wrong. They were still more about being free to do what they want but wanted that consistently great sex that we had together. All of these things man and not one developed into forever. People saying years later that they wanted to be something serious with me. Only they never showed or admitted to such when we were dealing at the time. So why the fuck would you bring it up right now? Why would you want to bring it up if you have intention of acting on those words? Pulling at the heart strings and emotions, bull shit at it’s best if you ask me. Have you had these types of experiences? Talk to me or your friends about it. Comments always welcome.