If you have ever had your heart broken or you have had any traumatic event happen, you know that sometimes you become stuck in that moment. By that I mean that you’re emotions and mindset can somewhat become “stuck”, needing to be freed from that moment that placed in a emotional state of paralysis. The truth is when those events happen to you it takes something from you. It can rob you of an innocence or a naiveite towards people and/or life. These moments in time have a way of intertwining in your life and making you feel a sense of emptiness or loss. If you have multiples of these types of experiences in a short period of time, it can serve as a mechanism for which you become depressed or emotionally detached. It can cause you to lose track of yourself and lose touch with the currentness of the world because mentally you’re still locked into those moments that life changed for you. Understand that these moments can be of any variety. They can be physical abuse, emotional trauma, mental anguish, and any combination of those things. If you have been through it and overcome that hurdle then you know that what I’m referring to is real .

One of the truths I have to admit about my life is that I’ve experienced so many of these types of moments that I don’t really know if I’m broken, torn, destroyed or on the road to healing. Some days I feel as if I’m coming through the other side of all the traumas I’ve experienced within the past couple years. Other times, I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of it. Not sure which way to turn, being tossed between feeling good one day and feeling depressed the next. I wonder how is it that I possess so many good qualities according to others, yet I’m unable to keep a partner fully satisfied. I’m unable to prevent my would be baby mother from killing our unborn child. I’m unable to prevent from being physically assaulted and abused. I’m unable to prevent so called friends from completely breaching the friendship and trust that I thought we had. It makes you wonder why and it makes you question yourself.

Then there are the other natural things that you have no control over, but sometimes happen in surprising fashion and it throws you for even more of a tailspin that you expected. Losing your grandmother and protector before you expected or were ready for. Having your cousin shockingly die of heart failure with no warning. Losing one of your favorite aunts without warning either. All of these things happening within the past 16 months and then you add to it losing your unborn twins to miscarriage a little more than a year ago. All of these things combined with the abuse, the mistreatment, the abandonment of long time friends leads you to feeling worthless at times. Makes you feel alone at other times. And to be clear, I have no problem being by myself, I learned how to be ok with that. But, it’s hard being lonely and feeling alone sometimes. It doesn’t help when you’re trying to heal. Yes, sometimes the journey is meant for just you, but even along the way you need cheerleaders and supporters rooting you on, even if from afar.

It can’t be understated just how much massive trauma can cause you to not believe in yourself and to make you feel a sense of pause within yourself. You physically continue and keep doing what must be done because you have to be an adult and take care of yourself and your business, but internally your a mess, destroyed, wishing that you could turn back the clock to take back the emotional blood spilled. Wishing you could reach back and pull the mental train wreck back so you can make the whole you, and not exist in broken pieces for the world to absorb. It can lead to you being very sporadic and all over the place. It can lead you to just wanting to be alone and wallow in your own self pity for a time. Honestly, it can also make you highly sexual, but very sexually irresponsible. Allowing yourself to do things that maybe you shouldn’t do, but wanting to feel that gratification from someone else may just make you want to push the limits you know you shouldn’t cross.

I don’t always pretend to have the answers to solve every problem, especially the ones that I have. What I do try to do is talk and think and write, to express my feelings, emotions and pain and hopefully through expressing and releasing it into the atmosphere it will help to bring about healing and closure. Dealing with the folks, in some way, who played a role in the traumatic events occurring, hoping that we can find closure and with the closing of those chapters finding some peace and allowing myself to be made whole again, to take myself off pause, push play and be as current as I can be. Stay strong, stay encouraged and find your release valve. These things will help to get you through. And above all, find a support system and use it to the fullest extent possible.