The title is very self explanatory so I will not indulge with a lead in here. Let’s just really get the nuts and bolts of the situation. I’m starting find myself at war with mental make up here lately. Now some might read that and say, How the fuck can you be at war with your own mental makeup, you’re the designer of that head space? The answer to me is simple.. my heart and the other reaches of my mind are conflicting with the primary cognitive processes that go through my head on a daily basis. If you’re still a bit confused then I challenge you to really take some time to get a little more in tune with all of your mental faculties, it’s a very eye opening and self aware thing to do. With that though, comes a greater deal of awareness of yourself, including past and present, which makes things more complex in a way. You often things are able to think of what past version of you would do, you know what the present version of you is likely to do, but then you have the deeper reaches of you that are toiling about. Sometimes, it can be a more sinister side of yourself, or it can be a more utopian or idealistic version of your thoughts that wants to include itself in your mindset.

I’m starting to figure out when you have all these different iterations of your mentality mixing about, it can make for some very arduous times. Essentially what you have is your mind wondering in all of these different directions about the myriad of situations playing out in your day to day life and the decisions that you make as a result of these situations. On a deeper level, once many of these situations have played themselves out, you really spend time mentally talking yourself through all of it. Looking at it from all the angles of the mind that you have unlocked. In some ways, you are acting as a counselor for yourself. Thinking of all of these different scenarios as to why things occurred the way they did. If you could have changed anything to make the situation better or prevent it from occurring in the first place. And definitely, if things didn’t go well, you’re wondering if one of those different mentalities could’ve handled it better and allowed for the situation to have a more satisfactory or positive ending.

Part of the deal also is that you wonder if your primary mindset is the correct mental perspective you need to operating with in this time. It makes you think if you need to take time to regroup and reshape your mentality to gravitate to one of other mindsets, making the necessary personality changes or adjustments to follow suit with that mentality. That to me is where things become just a little more complicated. Because in these moments where you’re questioning your own mental make up, it means you’re also questioning the personality traits and style that you are operating from. What it represents is a challenge to yourself and your way of thinking and living. It’s you forcing yourself to look at how you do things and determine if you can do things a better way. If you need to retool your own demeanor for the betterment of yourself. It’s that constant personal battle within, to be the best version of yourself or the most comfortable version of yourself. Many times they aren’t one in the same and that struggle to determine which needs to exist primarily is a bitch.

When you are alone with yourself and your thoughts, you allow for yourself to have an honest moment, if you’re being honest and open with yourself. It gives you a chance to look at the things that are happening and have happened and decide what you should to in order to continue to get those results or what needs to be done to prevent those outcomes from continuing to happen. It challenges you to look at yourself and wonder if your style is too passive or aggressive, or if it’s just right and the designed outcomes is happening for you. It makes you wonder if you’re attracting the right people and if you’re not, what it says about you and the energy and aura you’re putting out to the universe for people to pickup on. I think it also forces you to make real decisions about being present or allowing yourself to remain on pause. When you’ve been hurt this process can be doubly complicated because you’re emotionally broken and damaged, which feeds into your mental state as well. Emotional instability leads to mental instability and vice versa. So if you’re dealing with mental and emotional traumas, it stands to reason that you’re compromised from a decision making stand point and you need time to heal from all those wounds before you starting making major overhauls to yourself and your character.

Writing this today, has really helped me to see with even greater clarity, that I am a man who is deeply scared and severely wounded. I have learned how to cope with the pain and hurt to the point that I can function, but my mind is constantly at war with itself and my emotions are inwardly fighting daily to become more outward showing. It, for me, is why I feel that this mental war is the most challenging that I’ve ever been through. It encompasses so many things that have been so close to my heart and losing all of them has really tossed me into this unknown state. Days come where I want to burn it all down, destroy it all and just disappear. To be removed from the emotional and mental and physical pains that occupies space in my life. And then times come, where my sanity returns and I continue to move forward. Smiling and trying to find ways to handle these obstacles. The war within is trying to decide what to do, where to go and who to be. Questions that will alter the course of my life, that will shape this next part of the journey. Part is saying let it all go. Burn it to the ground and start all over again. Part of me is saying, leave all of yesterday in yesterday and let today be the beginning. Part of me is saying, take the best parts of what was, put them with the best parts of what is and create the best of what will be.

I don’t know how many of you this will resonate with, but maybe in your days, weeks, months and years to come you will reflect back on this post and think to yourself, my mental war is not one that I’m alone in fighting, I just have to have the resolve and the strength to keep fighting. My breakthrough and reward is on the other side. Just make the right choice and let the chips fall where they will.