I am usually the eternal optimist. I almost always try to see things from a positive disposition. But there are things that really just pull at me and it makes me think, causes pause in my mind and heart. I know that I’ve talked about my past pain with my lost children, and while there has been some closure there, I always have these hard dreams and empty feelings of missing what I helped to create that didn’t get to breathe life on this planet. I don’t know how to explain it or really the best way to describe it. I can be doing just fine and then see commercials with young kids or babies, or see my friends timeline on social media talking about their kids or showing pictures of their kids and my mind instantly goes to the thoughts about my missing three. No matter how hard I try and how much I move forward, I think about what my life would be like with my three babies here.

You know it’s one of the few things that makes me have some resentment towards the general public. I don’t understand why I wasn’t and currently haven’t been given the opportunity to have my own children. I took on the role of parent, being a Gay father to all my babies that I’ve grown up over the years. And while that has been extremely fulfilling and I have loved every minute of helping to raise them and grow them into the amazing men that they have become, I am also hurt and saddened that I haven’t been able to just enjoy being a father from birth all the way through to children of my own creating. There is a pain and hurtfulness that comes along with losing kids that you really don’t get to recover fully from, in my opinion. Especially this time of the year. Christmas time, kids excited and trying to barter their way into extra presents. Trying to do everything under the sun asked of them to make sure they get the most of what they want. That spirit of cheer and happiness, something I feel but that I also miss because I don’t have them to share it with.

Granted if my twins were here they wouldn’t be able to really appreciate it, because they would only be 8 months old, but if my three year old was here, he would be really excited I’m sure. As a child I know that I was always overly excited and energetic for this time of the year. Knowing that gifts were coming and I would see all my friends and family and how much fun I would be having with them. I really just sit sometimes and wonder why am I not being given this gift of creating life and then raising that child or children that I created. I know that God doesn’t make mistakes and if it is within my calling to have children I will. At the same time, I hate that I have to feel this heart sinking feeling on such a regular basis. I don’t know that I will ever have the thoughts and dreams of what could’ve been out of my mind. I’m not sure that I will ever get to know what it’s like to hold a baby in my arms that comes in part from me. The miscarriage that we suffered last year was devastating on a level that I can’t explain. But the abortion, that I never agreed to or knew about until two years after it was done, is the one that kills me more than anything. To know that we were just a few months away from having a beautiful child, it leaves such a sickening feeling in my heart.

It’s so hard to not have resentment for the mother of my first child. Knowing that so much was done in secrecy and private, but I always try to remember that through it all, that person was willing, at least at first, to give my my first child. I can’t really tell you how often my mind wonders what I could have done differently, while still being true to myself and my feelings, and still have my son here with me today. After having a recent conversation with my would’ve been baby mother, I’m convinced that there really was nothing I could so, short of being in a relationship that wasn’t as healthy as it should have been from a mental perspective. I finally realized after this last talk that I really wasn’t able to salvage that situation. And even with that knowledge I still don’t think it was right or fair to basically kill my child because your emotions were raw and your feelings were hurt. That to me should never be the reason that something life changing like that is done. Playing with life and the lives of people, not just your own, should never be the end result.

Life teaches me that in order to make way for the next gift, I have to be able to get over the past torment or pain. My heart will forever be torn on this dynamic because I hurt for my lost child that didn’t have to be. I hurt for my twins that were lost and I don’t really understand why me. But I will keep my head clear, my heart open and my emotions under control. Hopefully my time will come and I will be able to raise my own.