I’ve written in the past about the dynamic in the gay community where masculinity or femininity is based upon one’s sexual position rather than the personality and appearance given. I want to revisit that because after a recent conversation I feel like, especially in the Black Gay community, this is still a BIG mischaracterization and it shouldn’t still be happening so prevalently. It needs to be understood that just because one is versatile or a bottom, that it doesn’t automatically mean they’re soft or feminine or less masculine that a top or vers top. Let’s get into this conversation point just a little deeper.

When I was talking to this friend, he said that he can’t date someone who is versatile because they aren’t masculine enough. That essentially, because they took dick, they can’t be hard or dominant enough to handle a fully submissive bottom. I challenged that assertion because I was trying to figure out how did he come to that conclusion? I thought that we had gotten a littler further past the point of position determining dominance. His response is typical of what you hear from gays. He said “I don’t know, I just assumed because they taking dick that they can’t be that dominant or masculine.” I laughed at that notion, thinking to myself, damn are we still living in the early 2000’s or early 2010’s? I mean damn what really makes someone think that only taking dick is the definition of being dominant or submissive? Well, I had to remind him that there are many masculine and dominant bottoms that exist. In fact, especially in Atlanta, there are far more manish bottoms that there are manish tops. LOL, if you disagree with this opinion, just ask some gays in this city, they will tell you. You can find a solid top, but there will always be a little more sweet twist to them than you might expect.

And to me that’s normal anyway. I mean as a gay man that’s what makes it so much fun. I can be a dominant or alpha type man and still like to have a big, eccentric personality as well. I can be the one normally controlling the relationship and still like to take dick from time to time if I decide I want to. Or, I can just be with a bottom who loves to please me and be just as satisfied. The complexity of being a gay man should be embraced and accepted, as opposed to trying to over simplify people into a category based on whether or not you take some wood in your hole. I never really understand the need for that this of discussion anyway. LOL, I mean yes I do get it and realize that people find the need to quickly box folks so they can make quick decisions, but I think that takes away from the dynamic of learning and knowing each other. Sometimes the right one for you will be right there, but because you make an baseless assumption, based on one thing instead of knowing them could make you miss out on that right one.

I don’t plan to get too deeply involved in this conversation because I feel that this stereotype is changing, but I just felt the need to come back and readdress this because I’ve heard this a little more often that I thought I would. Like why would you want someone to be just so stock standard to something? I think the different personality traits and dynamics is what makes the art of finding a love match so intriguing, but also so frustrating at times. Love yourself and the skin you’re in, but also be open to accepting that dominance and masculinity comes in different forms and in different packages. Maybe, opening your mind to that will allow for you to find the love that you want. I always say, if you’re only use to looking for the same thing, in the same place, you will continue to get the same failing results.