Month: December 2020

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Saved From Disappointment

You have no idea where I’m about to go with this blog but sit back and laugh a little, I think you will enjoy. Have you ever had that old reliable sex buddy that you just dust off from time to time? You know, the one who isn’t the best but is very good. They can satisfy that urge that you have and you have the comfort of knowing that they’re reliable and can be trusted. But, you haven’t dusted it off in a while and you realize while they’re talking why you put them on the shelf to begin wit. LOL. I mean listen, it wasn’t even a situation where I’m in need, or can’t find who I want to do it. It’s not even that some other reliables aren’t available. I had just decided that I would take him off the shelf and see if it was still quality sex as it had been. And then he did the worst thing that you can do for me.. He started talking wayyyyy too much about how he wanted the sex to go and that was immediately a turn off for me.

Now let me be clear, it wasn’t a turn off because he told me what he wanted, or that he asked me to do a certain thing. The turn off came because he just kept talking and the more he gave details and I heard his voice explaining what he would like to do and be done, the more I was just not feeling that vibe and sexual tension with him anymore. It didn’t sound erotic and enticing, instead it was creepy and nasty, but not in a good way. It came across as out dated and definitely unfulfilling. Then he committed the most major sin that you can make when you’re preparing to be my bottom. He made an admission that he doesn’t know if he will clean his hole properly enough to take the dick this time. Like.. really.. what the fuck? Son who in their right mind says that to the dude who they preparing to let fuck them? I don’t do brownie situations. You can’t create a sewage mess and think that I would ever want to have sex with you again. And yet, he managed to keep talking about it.

Then he had the nerve to say, you might want to put a towel down. Nigga what the fuck you mean? You been fucking guys long enough to know that you need to take the time clean yourself. You know how to put the bottle tip up ya ass and make sure that you keep cleaning until the fluid is clear. You been a bottom before and more importantly you bottomed for me numerous times before and you always had a clean hole. Soo.. why now do you need to give this disclaimer that you will try to clean to the best of your ability but you can’t promise anything because you ain’t took dick in a minute. Man shut you dumb ass up. Once you made a practice of taking meat, you know how to rightly clean that booty hole. And then you have the nerve to tell me to make sure my hole is fresh and clean so you can eat me out. Then you say make sure my dick is fresh so you can use that throat. Nigga what kinda man do you take me for? For one you know that I always bring freshness to the table. Two, what fucking planet you come from expecting to me to have a whistling clean ass, while you try your best?

What dumb nigga told him that it was okay to say this or to not have the expectation of his ass being as deep cleaned as mines? The entirety of the conversation lasted about 12 to 14 minutes and what it did was reaffirm why I chose not to keep him on the active fwb list. It made me understand that he was meant to be right where I had left him.. on the shelf, letting whomever else enjoy the gifts be brings. Sometimes an old faithful is just that. Old and not so faithful. LOL.. I tell you one thing, I’m glad I listened to myself and allowed him to call me on the phone. He talked himself right outta getting this wood early tomorrow morning. So, I will relax, bit that blunt and pass the hell out. Get up and make a day out of it tomorrow. Ahhhh, I’m glad sometimes people don’t know when to shut the hell up.

Oh and one more little piece of info for this particular post. I wish dudes would stop thinking that just because they host, a nigga gone drive 30 to 35 miles away to get that sex. That is just as dumb as anything else. If you offering gas, I can make it happen, otherwise.. pray on it and wait on it.

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Heart Chronicles – Love Hurts

Doesn’t it sometimes feel like love isn’t meant to hit you the way it has others? You know, you’ve had relatively successful relationships, but for one reason or the other they never seem to make over the last hurdle to long time sustained happiness. Whether it be your young and dumb and trying to live life or you deal with someone who has self esteem issues and they prevent them from fully trusting in you and the foundation that you all built. Only to turn to the opposite race and settle for less, when the world was your oasis with you. Maybe you come across that person who is trying to pick themselves up after a horrible breakup and they aren’t ready for all of you even though they profess that they are. Maybe you come across someone who’s use to doing the break up to make up bit with someone and so they only know how to have toxic relationship practices and they bring them into the relationship with you.

It could also be possible that you deal with a fake and fraud. Someone who is pretending to want long term happiness and relations, only to protect their own interests. You know, maybe they need a place to stay because they really don’t have no where to go, so you become the means to an end. And it could just be that you aren’t ready yourself. You are recovering from bad relationships and hurtful past dealings. Truth is I want to be happy and married and loved on by that man who wants to ride with me just the same as I’m going to ride for him. The problem is, too many niggas want to play games and be tepid about committing because they feel like they’re going to miss something. Seeing people who came along and didn’t appreciate what I brought to the table, or I wasn’t prepared for them, involved with someone else is a bitter sweet pill. On the one hand, I’m truly happy for them and glad they found happiness. On the other, I’m very disappointed, especially if I gave the very best of me, that they didn’t show me the same love and effort they show their current.

Something I don’t understand though, is every single person that I’ve ever been with, except one, has always tried to come back and have something with me after we ended. There is an admission that they haven’t found anyone who loved and appreciated them the way that I did. And while I appreciate them saying it, it pisses me off because why the fuck couldn’t you appreciate me when we were together. Maybe then we would still be together. Quite possibly we could be married, having a family and living the life that we wanted to live. It makes me wonder if I’m doomed to be alone until the end. Sprinkled with intermittent relationships that help to pass time and fill the gaps until it’s time for me to leave this earth. It just seems like this is one thing that always been just a little out of reach for a reason unknown to me. I have never been able to fully understand why I’m never really appreciated but I can tell you that it hurts. Because most times people just want to feel appreciated by those they love, especially inside of a relationship. And then to see them give that effort to someone else does make you kinda question why not you?

This blog doesn’t seek to find a solution because there is no way to know when love is going to find you and who it will be. But sitting here writing this and thinking back, damn man I’ve been fucked over more than I can remember. From being in love with my first and him not having self trust and restraint to believe in us. To my ten years love affair off and one with a man who use to treat me like a king, but he could never fully commit himself to me. There was the light skin pretty boy that I didn’t see coming, who seemed to really enjoy the dynamic we created, only to show that was the means to his end for him. The insecure guy who had all the promise in the world, but was too stuck on the irrelevant shit that caused things to go off the rails. The young twink who was ready to make it us versus the world, but was wayy too arrogant and controlling. The young hustler who was trying to make a name for himself, that I didn’t give the time to finish developing into the finished product. The lying drug head that wound up destroying my life with abuse and lies. The sweet young man who gave me his heart but wasn’t ready for the full commitment.

These represent, to me, the closest relationships that could have ended in the forever. And then there were the few friends with benefits, where the chemistry was there but I guess the timing was just wrong. They were still more about being free to do what they want but wanted that consistently great sex that we had together. All of these things man and not one developed into forever. People saying years later that they wanted to be something serious with me. Only they never showed or admitted to such when we were dealing at the time. So why the fuck would you bring it up right now? Why would you want to bring it up if you have intention of acting on those words? Pulling at the heart strings and emotions, bull shit at it’s best if you ask me. Have you had these types of experiences? Talk to me or your friends about it. Comments always welcome.

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Heart Chronicles – Heart break

If you have ever had your heart broken or you have had any traumatic event happen, you know that sometimes you become stuck in that moment. By that I mean that you’re emotions and mindset can somewhat become “stuck”, needing to be freed from that moment that placed in a emotional state of paralysis. The truth is when those events happen to you it takes something from you. It can rob you of an innocence or a naiveite towards people and/or life. These moments in time have a way of intertwining in your life and making you feel a sense of emptiness or loss. If you have multiples of these types of experiences in a short period of time, it can serve as a mechanism for which you become depressed or emotionally detached. It can cause you to lose track of yourself and lose touch with the currentness of the world because mentally you’re still locked into those moments that life changed for you. Understand that these moments can be of any variety. They can be physical abuse, emotional trauma, mental anguish, and any combination of those things. If you have been through it and overcome that hurdle then you know that what I’m referring to is real .

One of the truths I have to admit about my life is that I’ve experienced so many of these types of moments that I don’t really know if I’m broken, torn, destroyed or on the road to healing. Some days I feel as if I’m coming through the other side of all the traumas I’ve experienced within the past couple years. Other times, I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of it. Not sure which way to turn, being tossed between feeling good one day and feeling depressed the next. I wonder how is it that I possess so many good qualities according to others, yet I’m unable to keep a partner fully satisfied. I’m unable to prevent my would be baby mother from killing our unborn child. I’m unable to prevent from being physically assaulted and abused. I’m unable to prevent so called friends from completely breaching the friendship and trust that I thought we had. It makes you wonder why and it makes you question yourself.

Then there are the other natural things that you have no control over, but sometimes happen in surprising fashion and it throws you for even more of a tailspin that you expected. Losing your grandmother and protector before you expected or were ready for. Having your cousin shockingly die of heart failure with no warning. Losing one of your favorite aunts without warning either. All of these things happening within the past 16 months and then you add to it losing your unborn twins to miscarriage a little more than a year ago. All of these things combined with the abuse, the mistreatment, the abandonment of long time friends leads you to feeling worthless at times. Makes you feel alone at other times. And to be clear, I have no problem being by myself, I learned how to be ok with that. But, it’s hard being lonely and feeling alone sometimes. It doesn’t help when you’re trying to heal. Yes, sometimes the journey is meant for just you, but even along the way you need cheerleaders and supporters rooting you on, even if from afar.

It can’t be understated just how much massive trauma can cause you to not believe in yourself and to make you feel a sense of pause within yourself. You physically continue and keep doing what must be done because you have to be an adult and take care of yourself and your business, but internally your a mess, destroyed, wishing that you could turn back the clock to take back the emotional blood spilled. Wishing you could reach back and pull the mental train wreck back so you can make the whole you, and not exist in broken pieces for the world to absorb. It can lead to you being very sporadic and all over the place. It can lead you to just wanting to be alone and wallow in your own self pity for a time. Honestly, it can also make you highly sexual, but very sexually irresponsible. Allowing yourself to do things that maybe you shouldn’t do, but wanting to feel that gratification from someone else may just make you want to push the limits you know you shouldn’t cross.

I don’t always pretend to have the answers to solve every problem, especially the ones that I have. What I do try to do is talk and think and write, to express my feelings, emotions and pain and hopefully through expressing and releasing it into the atmosphere it will help to bring about healing and closure. Dealing with the folks, in some way, who played a role in the traumatic events occurring, hoping that we can find closure and with the closing of those chapters finding some peace and allowing myself to be made whole again, to take myself off pause, push play and be as current as I can be. Stay strong, stay encouraged and find your release valve. These things will help to get you through. And above all, find a support system and use it to the fullest extent possible.

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Heart Chronicles

Have you ever just woken up and felt like you were just tired of it all. Nothing had happened the night before to cause this feeling and mindset to surface, just a culmination of things that have occurred in your recent history. It’s like something in your mind and heart just click. You can’t really give an explanation for why it happened right now, you just know that you’re drained. Your body feels exhausted and tired. Mentally and emotionally you’re just spent. It feels like all your energy and desire has been sapped from your body. It just has the feeling of depression, a hard one, trying to settle in over you and you just don’t really want to fight it currently. It feels pointless to do so, because all you’re really going to get is an artificial passification of your feelings and troubles that are weighing you down. While you sit and look off into space wondering one simple question.. Why?

You are asking yourself why did these things happen to you in the sequence that they did. Why were you denied children for a third time. Why was your heart unnecessarily broken again, when you did nothing wrong. Why was your biggest protector and supporter taken away with no real warning. Why aren’t you able to close the deal now on new employment opportunities. Why with the impressive and solid resume you possess are you still toiling in a position that you know you are vastly over qualified for. Why are you sitting in a sort of financial circle. Able to obtain a small degree of financial security, but nothing like what you feel that you should have right now. Why haven’t some of your dreams and desires happened for you yet. Why haven’t you been able to assemble the cast necessary for the show you want to reach the masses. Why does it seem like you can’t catch the break that you need to be found and exposed for the talented individual that you really are. Why are you unable to keep a lover. Why do people always want to try to reshape parts of your image into what they want, instead of accepting that with you they get 90 percent of what they want in a man. That 10 percent will never be found, that’s not the point. The point is when someone meets you that far down the road, why would you destroy him?

You ask yourself why do people feel the need to lie to you about what they want or their level of satisfaction. Why is it necessary to hide things from someone who is so open and real with life and the experiences that you have had. Why does it feel like you will are always the resource for others, but never given the resources for yourself. Why are you always seemingly expected to put out or pour out from your blessings, but never given a blessing from others. Why are you so kind hearted and willing to forgive, when being an ass would save you so much time and disappointment. You just sit and question everything about yourself and what you’re doing with your life. You wonder should you really just take off the shackles and allow yourself to be less restrained. Give in to the unhinged personality waiting to exist. Wondering what does that version of you actually look like. Does that mean that you’re willing to be even more free willing, less concerned with negative results and consequences? Does it mean that you allow yourself to abandon many of those considerate, resourceful dispositions that you’ve maintained for all these years? It feels like even that wouldn’t give you the successful results that you really are seeking at this time.

It all just starts to overwhelm you so much. You keep wondering how much more are you going to be asked to take. How much more can you sacrifice or not have satisfaction for in your life. You don’t understand how you can be feeling all this torment and despair, yet still people don’t see the pain or heartache. They keep coming to you, knowing that you will give them what they need. Be it an ear to listen, a brain to provide solutions, a heart to provide empathy and compassion, money to provide financial relief or food relief, or a ride to somewhere. You are given a gift but you also see how much you have been taken for granted that weighs on you just as much as anything. When you were at the height of your giving, so called friends were always around and to be found. Yet, when you started curtailing those things, not being so freely to give of money and food primarily, a lot of those folks dried up. Now there isn’t a dinner to be had, joint shopping to be done, chill times to be had. Now, it’s just a lot of you being by yourself. No appreciation shown when your birthday comes or Christmas comes. Just you and you appreciating you. I guess that’s the lesson that has stuck with me the most. Always just rely on yourself.

It feels better to have sat and released some of the things that are on my heart. It doesn’t remove the pain or sadness. It doesn’t take away the feeling of not being appreciated or recognized, but it releases some of it from my spirit. Let me be perfectly clear. All the the things that I’ve done were never for the acclaim or so that people would give me back. It was all done because I wanted to and I enjoyed the bonding time and laughter and priceless moments that were created. The memories from those events are always going to stick with me. At the same time, people have a habit of showing their appreciation or thanks for folks buy giving of themselves in some way to them. Be it with a financial gift or physical gifts, the art of showing that appreciation is there. Maybe this doesn’t resonate with you. Maybe you’ve always been shown appreciation or you’ve never had to worry about any of these feelings. Hopefully you never will. If you have, then some or all of what I’ve written speaks to you. Talk back to me or pass it forward.

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Mental War

The title is very self explanatory so I will not indulge with a lead in here. Let’s just really get the nuts and bolts of the situation. I’m starting find myself at war with mental make up here lately. Now some might read that and say, How the fuck can you be at war with your own mental makeup, you’re the designer of that head space? The answer to me is simple.. my heart and the other reaches of my mind are conflicting with the primary cognitive processes that go through my head on a daily basis. If you’re still a bit confused then I challenge you to really take some time to get a little more in tune with all of your mental faculties, it’s a very eye opening and self aware thing to do. With that though, comes a greater deal of awareness of yourself, including past and present, which makes things more complex in a way. You often things are able to think of what past version of you would do, you know what the present version of you is likely to do, but then you have the deeper reaches of you that are toiling about. Sometimes, it can be a more sinister side of yourself, or it can be a more utopian or idealistic version of your thoughts that wants to include itself in your mindset.

I’m starting to figure out when you have all these different iterations of your mentality mixing about, it can make for some very arduous times. Essentially what you have is your mind wondering in all of these different directions about the myriad of situations playing out in your day to day life and the decisions that you make as a result of these situations. On a deeper level, once many of these situations have played themselves out, you really spend time mentally talking yourself through all of it. Looking at it from all the angles of the mind that you have unlocked. In some ways, you are acting as a counselor for yourself. Thinking of all of these different scenarios as to why things occurred the way they did. If you could have changed anything to make the situation better or prevent it from occurring in the first place. And definitely, if things didn’t go well, you’re wondering if one of those different mentalities could’ve handled it better and allowed for the situation to have a more satisfactory or positive ending.

Part of the deal also is that you wonder if your primary mindset is the correct mental perspective you need to operating with in this time. It makes you think if you need to take time to regroup and reshape your mentality to gravitate to one of other mindsets, making the necessary personality changes or adjustments to follow suit with that mentality. That to me is where things become just a little more complicated. Because in these moments where you’re questioning your own mental make up, it means you’re also questioning the personality traits and style that you are operating from. What it represents is a challenge to yourself and your way of thinking and living. It’s you forcing yourself to look at how you do things and determine if you can do things a better way. If you need to retool your own demeanor for the betterment of yourself. It’s that constant personal battle within, to be the best version of yourself or the most comfortable version of yourself. Many times they aren’t one in the same and that struggle to determine which needs to exist primarily is a bitch.

When you are alone with yourself and your thoughts, you allow for yourself to have an honest moment, if you’re being honest and open with yourself. It gives you a chance to look at the things that are happening and have happened and decide what you should to in order to continue to get those results or what needs to be done to prevent those outcomes from continuing to happen. It challenges you to look at yourself and wonder if your style is too passive or aggressive, or if it’s just right and the designed outcomes is happening for you. It makes you wonder if you’re attracting the right people and if you’re not, what it says about you and the energy and aura you’re putting out to the universe for people to pickup on. I think it also forces you to make real decisions about being present or allowing yourself to remain on pause. When you’ve been hurt this process can be doubly complicated because you’re emotionally broken and damaged, which feeds into your mental state as well. Emotional instability leads to mental instability and vice versa. So if you’re dealing with mental and emotional traumas, it stands to reason that you’re compromised from a decision making stand point and you need time to heal from all those wounds before you starting making major overhauls to yourself and your character.

Writing this today, has really helped me to see with even greater clarity, that I am a man who is deeply scared and severely wounded. I have learned how to cope with the pain and hurt to the point that I can function, but my mind is constantly at war with itself and my emotions are inwardly fighting daily to become more outward showing. It, for me, is why I feel that this mental war is the most challenging that I’ve ever been through. It encompasses so many things that have been so close to my heart and losing all of them has really tossed me into this unknown state. Days come where I want to burn it all down, destroy it all and just disappear. To be removed from the emotional and mental and physical pains that occupies space in my life. And then times come, where my sanity returns and I continue to move forward. Smiling and trying to find ways to handle these obstacles. The war within is trying to decide what to do, where to go and who to be. Questions that will alter the course of my life, that will shape this next part of the journey. Part is saying let it all go. Burn it to the ground and start all over again. Part of me is saying, leave all of yesterday in yesterday and let today be the beginning. Part of me is saying, take the best parts of what was, put them with the best parts of what is and create the best of what will be.

I don’t know how many of you this will resonate with, but maybe in your days, weeks, months and years to come you will reflect back on this post and think to yourself, my mental war is not one that I’m alone in fighting, I just have to have the resolve and the strength to keep fighting. My breakthrough and reward is on the other side. Just make the right choice and let the chips fall where they will.

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Heart Chronicles

I am usually the eternal optimist. I almost always try to see things from a positive disposition. But there are things that really just pull at me and it makes me think, causes pause in my mind and heart. I know that I’ve talked about my past pain with my lost children, and while there has been some closure there, I always have these hard dreams and empty feelings of missing what I helped to create that didn’t get to breathe life on this planet. I don’t know how to explain it or really the best way to describe it. I can be doing just fine and then see commercials with young kids or babies, or see my friends timeline on social media talking about their kids or showing pictures of their kids and my mind instantly goes to the thoughts about my missing three. No matter how hard I try and how much I move forward, I think about what my life would be like with my three babies here.

You know it’s one of the few things that makes me have some resentment towards the general public. I don’t understand why I wasn’t and currently haven’t been given the opportunity to have my own children. I took on the role of parent, being a Gay father to all my babies that I’ve grown up over the years. And while that has been extremely fulfilling and I have loved every minute of helping to raise them and grow them into the amazing men that they have become, I am also hurt and saddened that I haven’t been able to just enjoy being a father from birth all the way through to children of my own creating. There is a pain and hurtfulness that comes along with losing kids that you really don’t get to recover fully from, in my opinion. Especially this time of the year. Christmas time, kids excited and trying to barter their way into extra presents. Trying to do everything under the sun asked of them to make sure they get the most of what they want. That spirit of cheer and happiness, something I feel but that I also miss because I don’t have them to share it with.

Granted if my twins were here they wouldn’t be able to really appreciate it, because they would only be 8 months old, but if my three year old was here, he would be really excited I’m sure. As a child I know that I was always overly excited and energetic for this time of the year. Knowing that gifts were coming and I would see all my friends and family and how much fun I would be having with them. I really just sit sometimes and wonder why am I not being given this gift of creating life and then raising that child or children that I created. I know that God doesn’t make mistakes and if it is within my calling to have children I will. At the same time, I hate that I have to feel this heart sinking feeling on such a regular basis. I don’t know that I will ever have the thoughts and dreams of what could’ve been out of my mind. I’m not sure that I will ever get to know what it’s like to hold a baby in my arms that comes in part from me. The miscarriage that we suffered last year was devastating on a level that I can’t explain. But the abortion, that I never agreed to or knew about until two years after it was done, is the one that kills me more than anything. To know that we were just a few months away from having a beautiful child, it leaves such a sickening feeling in my heart.

It’s so hard to not have resentment for the mother of my first child. Knowing that so much was done in secrecy and private, but I always try to remember that through it all, that person was willing, at least at first, to give my my first child. I can’t really tell you how often my mind wonders what I could have done differently, while still being true to myself and my feelings, and still have my son here with me today. After having a recent conversation with my would’ve been baby mother, I’m convinced that there really was nothing I could so, short of being in a relationship that wasn’t as healthy as it should have been from a mental perspective. I finally realized after this last talk that I really wasn’t able to salvage that situation. And even with that knowledge I still don’t think it was right or fair to basically kill my child because your emotions were raw and your feelings were hurt. That to me should never be the reason that something life changing like that is done. Playing with life and the lives of people, not just your own, should never be the end result.

Life teaches me that in order to make way for the next gift, I have to be able to get over the past torment or pain. My heart will forever be torn on this dynamic because I hurt for my lost child that didn’t have to be. I hurt for my twins that were lost and I don’t really understand why me. But I will keep my head clear, my heart open and my emotions under control. Hopefully my time will come and I will be able to raise my own.

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Hard or Soft.. Masculine or Feminine

I’ve written in the past about the dynamic in the gay community where masculinity or femininity is based upon one’s sexual position rather than the personality and appearance given. I want to revisit that because after a recent conversation I feel like, especially in the Black Gay community, this is still a BIG mischaracterization and it shouldn’t still be happening so prevalently. It needs to be understood that just because one is versatile or a bottom, that it doesn’t automatically mean they’re soft or feminine or less masculine that a top or vers top. Let’s get into this conversation point just a little deeper.

When I was talking to this friend, he said that he can’t date someone who is versatile because they aren’t masculine enough. That essentially, because they took dick, they can’t be hard or dominant enough to handle a fully submissive bottom. I challenged that assertion because I was trying to figure out how did he come to that conclusion? I thought that we had gotten a littler further past the point of position determining dominance. His response is typical of what you hear from gays. He said “I don’t know, I just assumed because they taking dick that they can’t be that dominant or masculine.” I laughed at that notion, thinking to myself, damn are we still living in the early 2000’s or early 2010’s? I mean damn what really makes someone think that only taking dick is the definition of being dominant or submissive? Well, I had to remind him that there are many masculine and dominant bottoms that exist. In fact, especially in Atlanta, there are far more manish bottoms that there are manish tops. LOL, if you disagree with this opinion, just ask some gays in this city, they will tell you. You can find a solid top, but there will always be a little more sweet twist to them than you might expect.

And to me that’s normal anyway. I mean as a gay man that’s what makes it so much fun. I can be a dominant or alpha type man and still like to have a big, eccentric personality as well. I can be the one normally controlling the relationship and still like to take dick from time to time if I decide I want to. Or, I can just be with a bottom who loves to please me and be just as satisfied. The complexity of being a gay man should be embraced and accepted, as opposed to trying to over simplify people into a category based on whether or not you take some wood in your hole. I never really understand the need for that this of discussion anyway. LOL, I mean yes I do get it and realize that people find the need to quickly box folks so they can make quick decisions, but I think that takes away from the dynamic of learning and knowing each other. Sometimes the right one for you will be right there, but because you make an baseless assumption, based on one thing instead of knowing them could make you miss out on that right one.

I don’t plan to get too deeply involved in this conversation because I feel that this stereotype is changing, but I just felt the need to come back and readdress this because I’ve heard this a little more often that I thought I would. Like why would you want someone to be just so stock standard to something? I think the different personality traits and dynamics is what makes the art of finding a love match so intriguing, but also so frustrating at times. Love yourself and the skin you’re in, but also be open to accepting that dominance and masculinity comes in different forms and in different packages. Maybe, opening your mind to that will allow for you to find the love that you want. I always say, if you’re only use to looking for the same thing, in the same place, you will continue to get the same failing results.