I have tried numerous times over the years to impress upon people how important it is for there to be open communication and total truth within your relationship. Those are two of the most important elements that must be present, along with love, passion and togetherness, in order a relationship to have the success it deserves. When these elements are missing, it creates a tension that has to be alleviated by talking out the issue to resolve the situation and restore the full circle of the relationship. It defies my understanding why someone would choose not to be open and honest with their partner when there has always been established communications lines that have allowed for sharing of deep personal secrets and addressing of the issues.

Let me explain and let me help you understand why the “avoid confrontation” type is harmful to a healthy relationship. If you have built a solid foundation for your relationship, most likely you and your partner have established solid lines of communication. That means you guys can talk about the fun and entertaining things, as well as the more serious and complicated issues that may arise. If this is in place, it would be very unsettling if one of you decided to up and leave without warning, without explanation and void of conflict that is threating to your relationship. Enter, the “averse to conflict” type individual here. It has become my belief that the person who says they don’t like conflict within their relationship, is someone who isn’t mentally mature to handle the complex dynamics of a relationship. They are also a huge threat to the peace within that you create for yourself.

It has always been my belief that all relationships need a healthy dose of conflict resolution. The conflicts are the things that let you see the type of person you’re embarking on your journey with. It lets you know if you have a quitter, or someone who is more a support type or someone who is a lead Alpha and wants to make sure they can address anything head on to make things better. Either way, conflict resolution takes two to create the conflict and two to resolve such issue. It means that both parties are engaged and ready to work through the issues, and it also means that there is an honesty and openness discussing the situations. If you are the person who says you are “conflict averse” then you are the threat to this resolution being successful.

The person who wants to avoid conflict, is one who on the norm, will be open and honest about everything else within the relationship. They will be willing to tell you the things that are deeply personal about them. They will communicate their likes and dislikes. Sexually you guys can have a very satisfying sex life and have the intimacy you desire. They are flexible and willing to be compromise. But, be warned, when there is conflict that they can’t easily handle, or when their way isn’t the way accepted going forward, the end result will likely be a removal of themselves from the relationship, not a solution to the problem. This characterization is not meant to encompass all people who have this type of character, because we all know people are different. It is a generalized premise, but I can tell you it has more factual following than not. And people who are Type A lite personalities will fall into this category more often than not.

Unfortunately I recently had to go through this exact situation and the results left this vessel broken. It was the vile and nasty way in which the situation was handled. It to me was uncaring and unempathetic. It reeked of selfishness and self gratification. I would have never thought that someone would have such a callous game plan that they would build up all this good will and “love”, only to destroy all of it in the blink of an eye. This with no warning or explanation. No rationale given, no conversation had to gain understanding or resolution before simply bolting at the first opportunity presented. To be clear things were being portrayed as rosy and well. Communications had were preparing for the future, planning date nights and a impending move within the next couple months. All of it flushed in a matter of an hour.

When you are already questioning yourself because of things prior that you are still resolving internally, to have a lover briskly remove themselves, with no warning is jarring and damaging. Hell if all was right within you, something like this would leave you shaken. But when it something that was a year and half in the building and the open dialog happened without effort, it leaves you questioning what really was going on/ How long had the plan been to exit stage left. It makes you wonder if they were faithful to you the whole time, It puts the spotlight on you, rather than where it should be. On the person who did such a cowardly, fuck nigga thing. It creates so much hurt and anger. Not being able to establish any level of closure, because you don’t know why and you don’t know where they are in order to close the book. So you have to sit with lingering questions, a damaged heart and a broken vessel.

If you know that you’re someone who isn’t good at conflict resolution, try talking to your partner before you just walk out on them. Give it a chance to work. Maybe you will find that you are better at resolving conflict that you thought you were. Conflict is character building and relationship building. You grow stronger together when you face a challenge and overcome it as a unit, rather than trying to handle it all by yourself, or completely removing yourself all together as a means to avoid challenge or critique. None of us are perfect. None of us have all the answers, Therefore, we need to be challenged and opened up to other ways of thinking that are positive and helpful because they help us grow as people.

I never thought that I would go through this because I pride myself on being an open and honest listener and communicator. I always aim to make sure my partner is comfortable and feels comfortable talking to me about anything at any time. I know men have a hard time, sometimes, expressing those things that emotional or complex, but if you want to have a healthy and lasting relationship, you have to learn how to do so. Lean on your lover and let them help guide you until you find your own footing, That is part of the reason that you’re with someone. To share the journey of life together, to learn and grow from and with each other. Sadly that didn’t happen here. Instead it all now feels fake and contrived. The worst part is I don’t get the chance to ask why and have my questions answered. You left without a trace, only a sticky note with no explanation, just an I’m sorry. It feels like the final straw. The blow that breaks the bow. Who resurfaces from this, I don’t know, but definitely not the person I know inside.