I am a firm believer that once people begin to consistently show you the signs of who they intend to be in your relationship, you have three options in my opinion. You can accept what you’re shown and adjust accordingly, you can attempt to make them bend towards the characteristics you prefer, or you can have a conversation if what you are seeing is different than the words you have heard and are hearing to get an understanding of why, to see if there is room for growth and flexibility or if the situation is going to not resolve itself and and because the person you actually are with isn’t who they talked about being. For me I have taken all three approaches in the past and with varying degrees of success.

I’m sure that there are many people out there who can relate to a situation/subject like this one. One where you have a person that is a good person and for the most part they fit with you on a relationship level, but you feel that something just doesn’t feel quite right. You get the feeling that while they’re a good fit, they aren’t the fit that you know it should be. You have questions as to whether you need more time for each of you to grow together and maybe for some of the personal challenges or both of you are going through to subside, or is it a case of a person hyping themselves up and they aren’t able to be who they told you they were and you need to decide if you want to stay in something that doesn’t make you fully happy and satisfied. It is complicated by the fact that earlier in the relationship you saw almost off the things that you were told you would see, so you know that it’s inside the person. The question is what changed that holds them back now?

It is my belief that when time starts to pass and you start to see someone change in a significant way, you have to allow them time to reverse that trend, if nothing occurred between the two of you, before you just bring the conversation to the table. That way when you do have the heart to heart that will be needed there won’t be room for just give time. I think that line is one that is a crutch used far too often and it’s one that is so subjective. Honestly when someone says that, how much time are they wanting you to give them? The truth is that time itself, the noun form is infinite. Time doesn’t end, but time the adjective form used to describe what we have on this Earth is small and wasting it isn’t fair. It can be a rather selfish ask if you know that you won’t have the situation or issues worked out in short order.

It is my belief that people often will find someone they know can be their security blanket or their crutch in some fashion if they’re trying to rebuild a portion or all of themselves. It too is a selfish move and one that can cause resentment on the other persons behalf. if they figure out that they’re being used as more of a rebound or a regroup instead of really trying to be immersed in a relationship wholly independent of the past, building towards a strong present and even stronger future. In too many circumstances a person will want to use the words they’ve said as their support that they want you or use past actions that aren’t relevant to current dynamics in order to show that they want something. Forgetting that action isn’t just past tense thing, it very much so is present and as actions change feelings change with it. It is this dynamic that most skip when discussing how a relationship breaks down that could provide the clarity and the evidence that shuts down a retort of see what I did in the past.

The outcomes of these types of relationships are wide spread and aren’t really predictable unless you see such a dramatic shift that you aren’t interested in what you see. One thing I don’t want and have never allowed myself to do is be in one of those relationships where you decide to split, and then days later or a week or two later, you reverse course for no real reason and keep going through the same shit over and over. I don’t think that’s fair to anybody. It traps you in something that is really making you more resentful to the person and you’re resenting yourself. Because in that scenario, there isn’t anybody getting what they really want. You want to see change and you want to have what you had but it isn’t coming and you’re settling because you fear starting over and not having someone. The worst reason ever to stay in a relationship with someone.

I favor the patient but decisive approach to things. Talk and be clear and direct about what you want and what the issues are at hand, give time for discussion to resonate and thoughts to be had and changes to be made, then make a decision after you feel that sufficient time has passed. Once you make it stand on it. People won’t take you seriously if you say you’re going to do something only to change your mind after you made a choice. It means that you can be easily influenced. If someone is really wanting you and they see you mean what you say, they will be willing to meet you half way on the situation. If you can’t accomplish this then I think you have to consider moving along in your life. Don’t let talk alone be the thing that holds you to someone.

There is nothing that makes a situation more confusing than someone being able to talk the best game in order to buy time, only to underperform and you’re right back where you started. It is a tactic used by many and it has worked for hundreds, if not thousands of years. It is because as people we want to hear things that make us feel good and reinforce what we think, but sometimes what we’re being told just isn’t accurate to the real happenings of the situation. In those cases you must move forward for your own sanity and future. I don’t think that anyone just talking about the future and growing old together should absolve them of having to show that’s what they really want. If you happen to be with someone like this be careful. What could be happening is trifold. One could be they really mean it and are working on themselves to make sure they can meet that rhetoric, two, they’re buying time because they know they can’t meet that talk but they don’t want to lose you, or three they’re just blowing smoke and if you are supporting them, you need to end that support.

This discussion has the potential to branch off into so many different directions and there is no one set blue print on how to present this situation, but one thing that should be present is you being as direct as you can. There isn’t time for you to sit by and just wait for time to wain away in your life. There can only be so much time that you can allow yourself to not receive the fullness of what you want.