Month: October 2020

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Emotional Rollercoaster

This writing won’t attempt to connect dots necessarily to prior writings. It will encompass a couple topics that I’ve written about previously but touch on them in a slightly different way. I think it’s because these three situations are very personal and emotionally difficult for me to get through. It’s something that I struggle to really handle and it’s also because I haven’t told my mom about any of these. I feel like as a son I’ve wanted to protect her from some of the major disappointments and pains of my life. When you’re an only child a mother is like your rock, best friend and all that. Put to it that you’re gay and it usually magnifies that dynamic ten fold. That means that when you hurt they hurt just as hard as you do. Sometimes a little harder depending on the circumstance. These three circumstances, while I’ve been able to work through, they still hurt and often times the emotions seep into my daily function of life.

I think the hardest thing for me to do is to tell my mom that twice she was set to become a grandmother but it wasn’t to be. The first time because my ex, without consultation with me, killed our first child. It was going to be a boy. My first born was going to be a mini me. But, because they were being selfish, I wasn’t able to see his beautiful face come into this world. He wasn’t given the opportunity to live and grow in this world. That moment has stuck with me more than a little bit. My son would be three years old, only a few months away from his fourth birthday. Getting ready to begin the journey of school and developing himself. I really believe that had my son been born, that would have been a life changing moment for me. Just having someone be pregnant, willingly at first, with my child was amazing. But, for things to have turned within a span of months because we couldn’t see eye to eye on a relationship was heart breaking.

I have thoughts and dreams about what my son would be doing right now. I think about how my momma would feel, knowing and seeing her little grandson developing. I wonder if he would look like me or his other parent? The truth is this still eats away at me because I ask myself if I could have done anything different. And while I know the answer is yes, the one thing that would have allowed my son to be born would have been the one thing that would have made me unhappy and wasted years of my life just to appease someone else. That, in my opinion, is wrong and it’s sad that people who know they can hold that kind of power would do so, just so that they can get what they want. Instead of allowing something so beautiful as a child to be born into this world. Your legacy forever entrenched on this planet.

If that loss wasn’t bad enough, I had the chance for me to have a child a second time. This time we were pregnant with twins. Not with the same person and this happened last year. While it was not planned immediately, it was definitely wanted. We had no idea that we would be blessed with two babies at once. It was a high risk pregnancy however and unfortunately, three months after, we lost the kids to a miscarriage. I can tell you that both of us were as heart broken and devastated as you can be. It is the most hurtful and painful experience to go through. Yet, this moment hasn’t been shared with my mom because this also occurred a little more than a month after the unexpected death of my grandma. If you can compound loss on top of loss, it’s among some of the worst pain you will feel.

When I found out that we were having twins, it made me have these feelings of another rebirth of sorts. I felt this incredible high because I thought maybe I was getting a make up for the loss of my first child with two kids this time. And when it wasn’t to be it crushed me so bad. I don’t know that I’ve really recovered from it, but, because I live on my own and away from fam I don’t have time to wallow in my sorrow because I have to continue to provide for myself. But there isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think about what could’ve been. Especially knowing that there was a tentative due date of my birthday this year. What a special gift that would’ve been. To welcome my twins on my birthday. The emotions in me are still somewhat blank, because I don’t know how to really overcome this grief that I feel. Because the grief turns to a tint of resentment towards others, who didn’t want kids and got them. How do you wrap your head around it, I have no idea.

Finally, I opened up on this subject a few months ago when we were at the peak of the protests in the Black Lives Matter, after the murder of George Floyd. It was my account of my life altering experience with the Atlanta Police Department. You know, having an intimate understanding of what a black man in this country goes through, I think that trying to explain to your momma that you have been subjected to some of the things she has seen on tv is a very challenging thing to do. Primarily because she lives in another state and if something was to happen she couldn’t get to me for hours. I never want to burden her with knowing that her son is another part of the statistic of black men who have been wrongfully profiled, held at multiple gun points by the men charged to protect and serve. All because someone made a generic profile of a black man committing crimes that I happen to fit. Even though I was still in my work uniform, at my own car, I was still the suspect and forced to prove I’m innocent, instead of being proven guilty on the spot.

I haven’t told her about this because I know that she would be more concerned than a mother normally is for her child. I don’t want to add any more stress to her, but in some ways I really want to just break down in my momma’s arms and tell her the things her son has been through and how emotionally scared I am. But I think one of the other reasons that I haven’t is because being forced to accept these truths with no filter has also grown me in a lot of ways. Made me realize that I am stronger than I sometimes give myself credit for and I really have to appreciate myself for my strength and resiliency more than I do.

Either way, there are so many more moments of things that have happened, but these three for me are the emotional rollercoasters that really give me pause and makes me pause to not want to tell her.

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Heart Chronciles

I am a firm believer that once people begin to consistently show you the signs of who they intend to be in your relationship, you have three options in my opinion. You can accept what you’re shown and adjust accordingly, you can attempt to make them bend towards the characteristics you prefer, or you can have a conversation if what you are seeing is different than the words you have heard and are hearing to get an understanding of why, to see if there is room for growth and flexibility or if the situation is going to not resolve itself and and because the person you actually are with isn’t who they talked about being. For me I have taken all three approaches in the past and with varying degrees of success.

I’m sure that there are many people out there who can relate to a situation/subject like this one. One where you have a person that is a good person and for the most part they fit with you on a relationship level, but you feel that something just doesn’t feel quite right. You get the feeling that while they’re a good fit, they aren’t the fit that you know it should be. You have questions as to whether you need more time for each of you to grow together and maybe for some of the personal challenges or both of you are going through to subside, or is it a case of a person hyping themselves up and they aren’t able to be who they told you they were and you need to decide if you want to stay in something that doesn’t make you fully happy and satisfied. It is complicated by the fact that earlier in the relationship you saw almost off the things that you were told you would see, so you know that it’s inside the person. The question is what changed that holds them back now?

It is my belief that when time starts to pass and you start to see someone change in a significant way, you have to allow them time to reverse that trend, if nothing occurred between the two of you, before you just bring the conversation to the table. That way when you do have the heart to heart that will be needed there won’t be room for just give time. I think that line is one that is a crutch used far too often and it’s one that is so subjective. Honestly when someone says that, how much time are they wanting you to give them? The truth is that time itself, the noun form is infinite. Time doesn’t end, but time the adjective form used to describe what we have on this Earth is small and wasting it isn’t fair. It can be a rather selfish ask if you know that you won’t have the situation or issues worked out in short order.

It is my belief that people often will find someone they know can be their security blanket or their crutch in some fashion if they’re trying to rebuild a portion or all of themselves. It too is a selfish move and one that can cause resentment on the other persons behalf. if they figure out that they’re being used as more of a rebound or a regroup instead of really trying to be immersed in a relationship wholly independent of the past, building towards a strong present and even stronger future. In too many circumstances a person will want to use the words they’ve said as their support that they want you or use past actions that aren’t relevant to current dynamics in order to show that they want something. Forgetting that action isn’t just past tense thing, it very much so is present and as actions change feelings change with it. It is this dynamic that most skip when discussing how a relationship breaks down that could provide the clarity and the evidence that shuts down a retort of see what I did in the past.

The outcomes of these types of relationships are wide spread and aren’t really predictable unless you see such a dramatic shift that you aren’t interested in what you see. One thing I don’t want and have never allowed myself to do is be in one of those relationships where you decide to split, and then days later or a week or two later, you reverse course for no real reason and keep going through the same shit over and over. I don’t think that’s fair to anybody. It traps you in something that is really making you more resentful to the person and you’re resenting yourself. Because in that scenario, there isn’t anybody getting what they really want. You want to see change and you want to have what you had but it isn’t coming and you’re settling because you fear starting over and not having someone. The worst reason ever to stay in a relationship with someone.

I favor the patient but decisive approach to things. Talk and be clear and direct about what you want and what the issues are at hand, give time for discussion to resonate and thoughts to be had and changes to be made, then make a decision after you feel that sufficient time has passed. Once you make it stand on it. People won’t take you seriously if you say you’re going to do something only to change your mind after you made a choice. It means that you can be easily influenced. If someone is really wanting you and they see you mean what you say, they will be willing to meet you half way on the situation. If you can’t accomplish this then I think you have to consider moving along in your life. Don’t let talk alone be the thing that holds you to someone.

There is nothing that makes a situation more confusing than someone being able to talk the best game in order to buy time, only to underperform and you’re right back where you started. It is a tactic used by many and it has worked for hundreds, if not thousands of years. It is because as people we want to hear things that make us feel good and reinforce what we think, but sometimes what we’re being told just isn’t accurate to the real happenings of the situation. In those cases you must move forward for your own sanity and future. I don’t think that anyone just talking about the future and growing old together should absolve them of having to show that’s what they really want. If you happen to be with someone like this be careful. What could be happening is trifold. One could be they really mean it and are working on themselves to make sure they can meet that rhetoric, two, they’re buying time because they know they can’t meet that talk but they don’t want to lose you, or three they’re just blowing smoke and if you are supporting them, you need to end that support.

This discussion has the potential to branch off into so many different directions and there is no one set blue print on how to present this situation, but one thing that should be present is you being as direct as you can. There isn’t time for you to sit by and just wait for time to wain away in your life. There can only be so much time that you can allow yourself to not receive the fullness of what you want.

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The System is Broken

I have really sat back and thought about this and it is my conclusion. I think that what really needs to happen to the system is it needs to be torn down and rebuilt. For hundreds of years now it has been skewed towards the White people in this country and I really don’t see anything coming that will reset the balance to be equal. I know some may think that the incremental changes made are steps in the right direction, and on the one hand they are. However, I also feel that it’s not enough because it can’t really help to do what’s needed. That is to reconstruct the mind and souls of the Black community. My community is torn and struggling because the fabric and foundation of who were are was ripped from us by the White community and we haven’t recovered since.

Here is my honest truth about all of this. First of all, being Black in this country is a dominant trait. When genealogy has been done, it has been determined that the African American race is the dominant trait, and because White Americans weren’t able to simulate to that, they had to become the oppressive race because they are the recessive trait. If you aren’t sure what word recessive means, it means that it is not the predominant trait. It means that when White people and Black people create a baby together, that child is melaninated. It means that contrary to what some would have us believe, the White race is not superior to Black people. Truth is that Black people have the dominant gene and in most cases the superior race. We have created so many of the inventions attributed to White people, but the victors get to write history.

The facts are when people want entertainment, they turn to the Black community for athletes and musicians to be their relaxation and enjoyment. When they need things repaired correctly, they turn to Black people. When they need their children raised and their food cooked, they turn to Black people. When they want their hair done stylishly and healthy they come to Black people. It seems to be that the system is willing to admit that Black people are talented and in most cases, superior to their White counterparts, but we’re not talented enough to be widespread business leaders, to be owners of professional franchises, to be heads of state and leaders of government. Similarly the legal system doesn’t take even handed to us either.

I wonder why it is that the same crimes can be committed by a Black man and a White man, yet the Black man is infinitely times more likely to get a severe punishment, while the White man might not even get any jail time at all. I wonder why it is that money can buy you anything in the legal system. That definitely disproportionately affects Black people because we weren’t given the same opportunities to acquire wealth, nor have generational wealth to pass down from one generation to the next. You wonder why it is that when we were brought here as slaves we were oppressed and kept uneducated so we could not realize that we were being robbed of our culture and wealth. That’s the reason that the young were typically separated and kept without education, because it was known that if you educate the young it passes down and then we aren’t able to kept ignorant and in the dark.

Fast forward to all the marches, protests, sit-ins, boycotts and fights for us to get a measure of equality in this country. They were all for the right to have the same seat at the table as the White man who controlled the levers of power in this nation. From King to Malcolm to Lewis to Young to Obama and all those before, during and after that helped to organize those marches and protests to conquer the systemic inequalities of hundreds of years of captivity. The reality is that no matter how much we march and protest, we will not achieve the goal. There will never be nationwide reparations for Black people to fairly restore the financial balance of power. There will never be a true reset of principles taught to underscore the importance of family, togetherness, wealth, education and equality.

What Slavery did was permanently separate the races. It defined Black people as inherently inferior to Whites. It also created a permanent stigma that we must fight against each other for who should be given opportunity, instead of fighting alongside each other to attain power together. What White people correctly gaged that if you split people up and throw nominal amounts of money at them that they will lose sight of the power of togetherness they possess. That has been prevalent for us as a people for hundreds of years. Whenever Black America comes together and uses its power to effect change, change happens. Whenever Black American decides that we want to show what our collective might can do, we do it. It’s just that far too often, White people do enough to make us stay in the lanes they made for us.

Here is my solution.. blow this damn system up. Take away all that we know and write a system that is truly equal. A system that doesn’t have systemic racism and prejudice built into its founding. A Constitution that really treats all people as equals. Laws that are equally enforced on both sides and a justice system that doles out punishment, but also has mercy built in as it’s supposed to do. Build the levers of finance so that Black people have opportunity to be business owners and have the capital necessary to sustain business and obtain loans as needed. A system that allows for us to really have our history taught in schools and throughout civilization. Then and only then will this system be fair and equal. Then and only then will we have a system that appreciates the prowess, power, intellect, and collective strength of the Black community.

As long as we are bound to a system of inherit inequality, we will always be subjected to racist and prejudicial situations. Radical thought I know, but truth to power it is. Blow this damn system up and start again. Maybe then, we will be able to say that the system isn’t rigged. That law enforcement isn’t practicing discriminatory practices against my people. Tell me what you think.

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Have It Your Way

Are you someone who feels that you have to have things go your way majority of time, or almost always? If you are that person, can I ask you why you feel that the world must revolve around you and what you want? And yes to some degree I understand that it’s a little self deprecating because, most of like things to go our way, or rather we don’t want to do things if it doesn’t have some tangible benefit for us. But I also think that more often than not, people are willing to cede that their way won’t be the predominant way when dealing with people and the battle of wills I suppose you call it.

Truth is, I guess it’s possible to have always have things go your way if your will is strong enough that you make someone bend to your desires. But I don’t think that it’s healthy, nor do I think it’s fair. I believe that there should be give and take in things, especially when dealing with love and relationships and real friends. You have to be willing to not have control of everything all the time. I think that is a bit selfish and self serving. It can lead to a lot of loneliness and isolation. The fact is that people usually don’t to feel like they have no control over things beyond just themselves. We all like to think that we have a say so in things that go on with our friends, family, and lovers to some extent. Whether you do or not, I think is very important for your standing within these relationships.

I have always struggled with dealing with individuals who think that the world should revolve around them at all times. Typically this is because I’m the guy who believes that no one person is that important that all things should exist when they say or how they feel they should. We all have the right to control ourselves and what we do without someone feeling like they’re being slighted. It’s an important part of self love to understand that you are always in control of what you want to do with yourself and life. Things will happen beyond your control, but the people you place in your life and the choices you make about how you interact with them will remain something that you can dictate.

If you’re in a relationship with someone who feels that you don’t enough for them or you don’t make everything about them, you need to ask yourself is this what you really want. If you love them because they make you feel a certain kind of way, but their insistence on being the center is part of the deal, consider if that love is really worth keeping. Why? Because in this situation you will always be second, not equal always less than. It has to be that way in order for them to always get their way. If you’re a person that is satisfied with that then you’re in the right kind of relationship for yourself, but if you know that you like being put first sometimes, consider if you are with someone who is a match for you. I think you have to really drill down on this too. If you’re relationship is one sided to where one person is controlling the activities you do and if or when you have sex, then y’all need to talk. Make sure there is balance to where control feels more even and no so one sidede.

You have to remember that when you give that person the controlling hand to dictate terms all the time, you are essentially setting the terms for your relationship. Even relationships have negotiations and posturing for what will and will not be accepted. The way to discuss them has to be direct but not too harsh. If you’re okay with telling your to have it your way, then keep it as it is, but if you’re starting to feel uncomfortable or feeling as if things are only going as one partner sees it then you have to really re-evaluate how things are going. There needs to be a harmony between you two. Have it your way is a recipe for failure, if there isn’t clear communication involved. If you’re the person who is having it all their way, if your pressed about why it needs to be that way, be open to discussing and not just shutting down.

One thing that seems to be obvious to me is that many times when someone who is use to getting things their way is pushed to make changes, it causes friction. Because they don’t know how to accept change or don’t want to accept change because it doesn’t benefit them. Those of you who fit this description, tell me why do you buck so hard when confronted with this reality?

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Heart Chronicles

As the journey throughout life continues one thing that you will eventually reckon with is your decisions and how they affect you in the present life that you live. I don’t think it’s something that’s meant to be a negative but it’s something that will make you look deeper at yourself, before you look at the person you’re with, if you’re in a relationship. If you’re single, then it will make you evaluate your choices before or while you’re considering your next love. This thought process and evaluation is one that has no timetable and in fact, can take quite a while to sift through. It pulls together the emotional highs and lows that you feel or felt. It presents goals achieved and failed. It reminds you of the things you said you wanted and still have left to accomplish.

What it does, if you’re honest with yourself, is it makes you be patient with the process of growing yourself and having patience for the partner you share your life with as well. Now to be honest, patience is not something that I’ve ever been really good with on the whole. In relationships I tend to have a quick trigger to remove something that I think will not work, and at times I have overcompensated and been too patient in situations where I knew the right thing to do was to leave, but I didn’t want to appear to be a quitter so soon. It’s a challenge that I’m sure many people struggle with, not just myself. It’s something that I feel is a result of not giving enough time for healing and self reflection from past relationships before engaging in the next one.

What happens is that your mind starts to really dig deep into where you have been, what you have been through and what you really want from what you’re doing now and where you ultimately hope to go in the future. It makes you have reason to attempt to try things differently if you really want success, because if you know prior relationships failed attempting things a certain kind of way, it would benefit you to try to do things a little different. What you learn about yourself will be helpful, either to the person you’re with currently or the next person that you allow to enter your world if comes to that. It is the need to say that you are flexible and not sedentary. To me, the person who is open to change and willing to accept that they don’t have all the answers is a person that can navigate the uncertainty of the mind.

You know I was watching something that said you have to have patience in a relationship sometimes. While that wasn’t news or anything new or earth shattering, the comment after is what gave me pause and has really had me in more a reflective and learning state as of late. The comment was, sometimes if you can get over the discomfort and struggles in the relationship, that person will give the best time of your life. That is what stuck with me more than anything. It’s the concept that sometimes you really just have to have the patience to allow for all the edges to be smoothed out so that the two of you can have the harmony and desires that you want from each other.

Something that I think is often forgotten is when you decide to get into a relationship with someone, you really don’t know what’s going on in their world, if you aren’t connected to them prior to you dating. The thing is most times, the person you’re choosing to be with is someone that hasn’t been in your orbit prior to the beginning of the dating/relationship process. So just like you’re dealing with past things and working on being a better you in the present and the future, that person could be doing something similar. They most likely are in a different stage in the process than you and that’s something that the two of you have to manage as well. Maybe one could help the other progress or the two of you work together if you’re closer to each other in your rebirth process.

It honestly feel uncomfortable to not really know how you feel or think from day to day. What I mean by that is, when you have a solid grasp on things, there is a consistent thought process usually. You wake up wanting to further yourself in the goals that you’re working towards. But, when you’re in the middle of changing and growing your mindset isn’t stable. It’s more scattered and it’s definitely not confident in some of what it feels or thinks. This is when that patience needs to be practiced more than ever. Because when you’re in this state you question things really easily, and you’re more prone to make snap decisions to want to change things because you see it fitting in with what you feel in the moment. That moment can last for a day or two or three and you have to have the discipline to understand that you’re changing and something that’s stable needs to remain present.

It’s hard because even as I’ve been writing this my mind has wondered from being confident in the thoughts I have regarding relationships. There is disconnects sometimes between the physical self and the emotional self. I yearn for sex with my partner, but I also try to be patient and understand maybe he’s at a different stage in his process and he isn’t feeling the sexual tension because he isn’t satisfied with parts of his life and sex is an afterthought because of it. I challenge myself to stick with it and go through the wave of inconsistency hoping that things square up and improve. Desiring for things to become closer to how it was in the beginning. When the affection was obvious and the intimacy was consistent. Hoping that with a return of those things, the physical, sexual activity will increase and the balance will be set.

I have always said that when you take away any one of the critical areas in a relationship you hurt the balance and create tension. It creates a feelings of uneasiness because things or something is missing. When you aren’t able to have a full and complete relationship, it leads to feelings of neglect and unwantedness. This is something that needs to be treaded upon lightly in my view. It’s also something that at some point needs to be discussed. When you’re going through your own person changes and reviews, you want to feel that your relationship will provide a stability that you can rely on, but the fact that you have two people who are making adjustments can make that not be a reality.

Undoubtedly, I’m sure that this is something that has occurred to others. Surely, these are things that people work through daily. It’s something that can be an easy quick fix, or something that can take time to overcome. There are so many things that can become attached to this. Self esteem issues can become part of the dynamic and lack of appreciation thoughts become more prevalent. How you work through these challenges will really determine whether or not the relationship lasts and sustains itself. The decisions that you make yourself and the ones you make together will really determine how you come through this uncertain time.