One of the things that has happened as a result of the Covid pandemic is people have had lots of time to be home. A lot times alone, to think about themselves, their lives and where they are in life. Many people have talked about feelings of depression and sadness because they haven’t been able to be as socially active, not able to interact physically with friends and family. It has forced, in my opinion, people to think about things they’re happy with, but more deeply, things that they’re unhappy about. Things that may have hurt and people that have been lost. It has forced people also to look at themselves and see if they are truly happy with where their life is or are they feeling a sense of dissatisfaction.

I find myself, of late, in this position. I have been thinking a little more often about where I am in this stage of my life. I don’t see the level of personal or professional satisfaction that I expected to have at this point. Most of it is self inflicted wounds. I haven’t always allowed myself to stay focused on my goals, be it professionally or personally and it has started to really bother me. I think what also makes it more difficult is I really don’t know just yet which way to turn in order to make the changes that I really want to make. I feel a sense of being stuck and just spinning my wheels in the same type of pattern. But, there are also times where I see progress being made. I see things getting better, I see certain facets improving and I’m happy in a couple regards, but I see too much inconsistency and it bothers me still.

I’m not really sure why it is that I feel so incomplete at this point honestly. There really are good things happening but something inside tells me that it’s not enough. Some things are also telling me that it feels like I’m out of place now. I think this may be what some have talked about when they say they’ve felt despondent and listless. Like they just don’t want to anything and not feeling inspired. Then they get help to reorganize and stabilize themselves. Maybe for me I’m at that point of needing that type of assistance. The truth is though, I don’t really have anyone that I trust to really get into the depths of things like I need to and talking to a professional ain’t cheap.

For me sometimes, I just really feel like I’ve failed myself and let myself down so much. I figured that by this time in life I would be much further along in my professional career. And if I’m being honest, I would’ve been had personal issues not impeded that progress and blown up all the great work I had accomplished. At least three times that I can count where this has happened. Personally, I thought I would have been married by now and had a family started. Real shit, I was close to both things happening on a couple of occasions. I’ve been seriously engaged three times and each one failed to produce a marriage. I’ve been on the verge of having kids twice, once lost to abortion, against my will and without my knowledge. Second time, due to a miscarriage.

It just feels like for me each time I get close to things and take three steps forward, something happens and there are five steps back. It gets to a point honestly, where you feel exhausted and worn out. You think and question whether or not it’s meant for you to have it. Even though you start working on those goals again, you just wonder if you’re in the right place at the right time/ And you realize that it’s a matter of time and opportunity for those things to show themselves and that is one of the most difficult parts to it all. All I really want is a sign of some sort. Something to confirm or deny what I’m doing. I know that I never plan to stop trying to attain those goals. Time will tell if it’s going to happen.