This headline says it all in my opinion. It’s a blog I’ve written about a little before but not really giving too much insight towards. Things that I have regrets about. It’s something that can be small to some and large to others. There are also some people who say that they have no regrets because they don’t live life with regret. I think for me there are a couple things that I have regrets about and I will dig deeper into these two things and lay it on the alter.

One of the biggest regrets that I have is not being as present during the pregnancy of what would have been my first born son. The person that I was with at the time, we were having major issues and we broke up right before I was told that they were pregnant. It was something that was not planned and I didn’t expect. It caught me off guard and once I was able to find out about it, I tried hard to be attentive and give what was needed, but when I really look back on it, I was not as present nor as sensitive as I needed to be. I can honestly say that it was in large part due to the fact that the relationship had crumbled and I was trying to find the air to breathe, while also trying to be the supportive co-parent to be as well.

Over time I was able to see how my lack of compassion for them led to a premature termination of our child. It hurt so bad because I didn’t get to have a say so in it at all. I wasn’t consulted or anything. Also, I was lied to as well because I was told my child was lost in a fight. It wasn’t until a year and a half ago that my child was actually aborted. It’s something that I live with forever. I truly wonder if I would’ve been able to separate the feelings of disappointment and anger from the joys and happiness then I think my three year old would be here now. Definitely something that I have major regrets about.

The second regret was not taking more time after a very destructive and hurtful end to a relationship. I was in my mid twenties and I thought that I was superhuman. You know, thinking that I just needed a little time and I needed to get back on the horse sooner than later. That with the love of the next guy, mixed with a fresh start I would be able to move on quickly. That was the absolute wrong thing. It turned out that I really needed years. For the better part of 4 years I ran through people. Being with people but never really giving all of myself. Because the truth was I was torn and in shatters. I was attempting to rebuild myself and give my heart to someone. Something that was never going to work.

I wound up being very mean and dismissive of so many people, who could’ve been good people. But because I felt such a pain and distaste for what happened, I felt pushed towards men and it led t some unfortunate, life altering things happening to me. Things that would take years to deal with and work through. It was the textbook definition of spiraling. I couldn’t stop myself. I had no control it felt like. I was building myself back up in some ways and still tearing it down in others. I never really understood why that was. I still really don’t understand it today, but I learned from that mistake. I applied the things I should’ve then and made for a much better result after having a second very traumatic, life changing relationship.

The burden I lived with back then that I finally released years ago caused me to apologize to some of the people I was still in contact with. I finally was able to get a handle on it all. I learned how to be a better me without needing to have someone in order to do it. It was a challenge and it may have cost me a lot, but I accept all the fallout that has happened.