This is an aged old discussion and advice that’s been given from generation to generation, but I keep hearing it come back and I’m not sure why people continue to equate the two. When someone tells you that for your sanity or your betterment you need to forgive someone, they aren’t saying that you need to forget what that person did to you as well. And, conversely if you are told to forget something, it’s saying that it needs to be forgiven either. It might just mean in order to move to the next stage of a situation you need to forget something that was done so you can focus on the healing or whatever it is that you’re trying to get through.

Lets really revisit this forgiving part. I really think it bears further discussion and understanding why you might be told to forgive someone for something that has been done. To actually forgive the person is a means for you to allow yourself to move on from a hurtful or negative action that was done against you. It has to be understood that when you allow yourself to forgive someone, you are actually taking power and control back from that person. Forgiveness says that you will no longer dwell on the situation. It says that you are allowing yourself to excuse you for allowing or permitting that person to hurt or wrong you in the first place. That in itself is where the power and control lies.

It’s my feeling that when you hold that grudge or hostility towards someone for something that they did to you, in reality what you are doing is giving them a measure of control against you. As long as that venom and disdain is allowed to fester inside you that person will be able to alter your emotional and likely mental state with their presence or words that are spoken to you. Lots of times, it impacts the personal aspects of your life. It can impact your relationship, if you’re in one, because it can allow that past person to impact your present situation. I think that’s the reason that most times when asked for advice from someone who is freshly out of a relationship, the first thing I suggest they do is take time to forgive themselves and the person who hurt them, if the relationship ended because of betrayal or hurt.

It becomes a sticking point for people when they either don’t want to, or know how to properly forgive and let go of their past. It keeps them somewhat bound to that past situation and person. It can and usually does how you interact with the current person and it usually prevents that person from being able to really get close to you and have the full understanding of you as an individual because the past is staining the present and future. Again, though it bears repeating and mentioning again, if you are ever told to forgive someone, it doesn’t mean that you have to forget what they did. This is more important if you are still going to be with that person and you don’t want to lose them. You need to pay even more attention to that statement. It doesn’t mean that you disregard your feelings or ignore what was done to make you feel that way. It means you allow for change and growth to happen.

How many times have you told someone that you want to get over something they did to you, and you say you forgave them, but you didn’t really let it go? What it means to forgive is it means you let the situation pass. You move forward and look to rebuild whatever bond was damaged as a result. It means that you have to allow yourself to put the issue to the back of your mind so that it isn’t a focus. You should remember that it happened, but allow it to have a seat in the rear, only to be looked at if things don’t improve, not as a constant sword held to the other persons throat. Nor should it be your crutch that you use to enable your anger or hurt to linger. Once you’ve had time to process the hurt, have your allowed feelings and emotions, once you’re ready to move on forgive. Forgive, not forget and move on. It will be necessary. A clean break is just that, if you’re moving past something you need a clean break or else it will only make things worse. So if you want someone, forgive the deed, forgive the person, forgive yourself and remember what it felt like. That way you don’t keep going thru it over and over.