A lot of times I think to myself was it worth going thru all the pain to get to where I am today. Along with the pain came experience, knowledge, understanding, growth, resiliency, destruction, lack of trust, loss of self, lack of trust and belief in people. All of these things when you read them show you the good and bad of having loved before and it not working out too well. It shows you that what is commonly understood in life is this: love has to be one of the most complicated things out there. It can provide you with the highest of high feelings. It can make you feel invincible and like nothing to get to you. But, it can also make you feel less than human. It can make you doubt yourself, as well as your abilities as a lover. It can make you feel like maybe happiness doesn’t deserve to land at your door and reside inside your home when it comes to having love and a happy relationship.

It is something that for me I have struggled with greatly over the years, and more specifically so the past couple years. Recovering from what has been the most toxic, destructive and life changing two years, these past two years of rebuild have challenged me as a man, as a person. To have lost friends, children, family and love all within the course of the past two years has been devastating. It has really pushed me to find a better understanding of myself. It tests my patience and my ability to believe in the process and healing power of love. It frequently has me questioning the validity of myself and the love that I give and receive. Because to be perfectly honest, when you have been destroyed, love can feel like the light to the fire, waiting to burn once again.

That last statement can be taken a number of ways. It can mean that the love is going to burn brightly again, giving you that warm and comfortable feeling. Or, it can mean that it will burn out of control, rage like wildfires and destroy whatever is in it’s path. Sometimes, I struggle to know which it truly is. Honestly, I struggle to know if my heart really knows or is truly ready to understand just how much good and true and pure love can really assist in the healing of the deep, dark wounds that have been clawed into it. When you get these feelings, I think they’re normal because it means that you feel something strong. It means that you’re making yourself vulnerable to the process and to the love itself and that is what really is making me scared.

Vulnerability to me signifies that someone is close. It means that your heart is involved. It means that you’re invested in the relationship and the person that you’re taking that journey with. It also means that you have now lost a significant amount of control. That is something that we all fear to some degree, losing control. It is my opinion that when you give up that control, you’re agreeing to allow love to have its way and run its course. You accept all the things that now are placed at your doorstep. The ups and downs, the good times and bad, the magical days, the passionate nights and the days you just want to punch the shit out them too. All of those feelings that you are going to experience you’re accepting and welcoming, because they make you feel like you’re the best. They make you feel like the world doesn’t matter except for the two of you.

I’m sure many others have had this issue. You’ve been hurt before. Your heart has been broken and you pieced it back together. But, you have the residual scars and hesitation about allowing someone inside, getting close to you. But, if you’re a hopeless romantic or you just love the idea of love and being in love, you know that you have to let it happen in order to find that true happiness that you seek with the love of another. You will always have a little doubt as it’s normal to have, but I think in time, real love always wins and the complicated melody that is love becomes a harmonious ballad, belting out the words to your heart that are filled with love.