Ten months ago, I started on another journey towards fatherhood. It was exciting, nerve-wrecking and emotional all at the same time. Because twice before I have been in this position only to have the individuals decide to terminate the pregnancy without any consultation with me. Both knowing full well that I wanted to have the child they were pregnant with at the time. So this time around I was dealing with someone that I knew would not kill our kid prematurely just because or because we went through a fall out. And to our surprise, we were supposed to be having twins. Fuckin twins!! I wasn’t expecting that you know I was happy as hell to be having two kids at one time. And so the process began of preparing for these babies to come into this world and to make sure that they were given everything they needed to grow and develop as they needed to.

Because they were twins and the person had already had one miscarriage we were cautioned about revealing too much too soon as this would be a high risk pregnancy and all the guidelines would need to be followed exactly to the letter of the law if we were going to maximize the opportunity for both of these beautiful babies to see this world. Early on things were dicey, but I thought that we had gotten out of the woods of that and was moving towards a more normal situation. And then the dominos started to fall that made things become far more uncertain and eventually to the end of another chance to be a father. The complications began to happen more frequent and sadly in mid September we had lost the twins and again the pain and aguish of dealing with the loss of unborn children I had to endure. It hurt unbelievably bad. It’s something that no one can ever prepare you for.

I’ve sat many days staring into space just wondering how so many people who don’t or didn’t want kids have them and someone who wants them and would be good to them and treat them well can’t get to the end of the race and have one or two or three, however many it is that I’m meant to have. It’s frustrating and saddening. It makes you depressed and sad. You want to cry and just block out the world, yet you know that can’t because the world doesn’t stop just because you go through misfortune. You must deal with it, with the person that you started that journey with, hope that y’all can find some semblance of support and understanding for each other while grieving on your in and in your own ways. My babies never got to breathe a breath of air. See the light of day or the dark of night. They never got to cry or laugh and feel anything of this world.

Maybe it’s a good thing in one respect with the pandemic that has crippled this nation and world, but fuck that man, I wanted them to be here. See this world, hold them, burp them, feed them, change them. Lay them on my chest and let them sleep. Wipe their little faces after they eat. All the things that a parent wants to do with their child, again I don’t get to experience. I just wonder if I will ever be given that opportunity to welcome my own kids to my life. Time will ultimately tell me if it’s meant for me to give life to kids of my own. I know that it’s tiring and hurtful to get started and be forced to stop. To my two unborn babies, this is your memorializing, your marking that you were here to a degree. You were alive inside your mother and you were loved as though you had already been here.