Today started as any other normal day. Wake up early, shower, get dressed, brush my teeth, start my truck, do my hair, fix my lunch and out the door I go. No matter if it’s raining, cold, windy or hot, this is my daily morning routine. In the office working, usually before most arrive, to get overtime on my check. It’s a blessing no mistaking that, but I’m tired. I work every day one job or both jobs. No rest for the weary, grinding trying to keep myself forward moving. I’m not tryna keep up wit nobody cuz that shit means nothing. Just trying to get ahead for myself.

But to me there in lies the problem and the solutions I’m just not sure how much I trust them. I have a job it pays my bills but the shit ain’t making me come up. I work a second job to me increase but them bitches bout to slice and make that pay drop. Which begs the question is it time to find another side hustle? That’s always the complicated part. A side job has restraints because it serves as a backup not primary. And yet because the money becomes good, you keep sacrificing because ur trying to find the next move to make.

In the midst of that challenge u get hit with all the other shit that life brings. Death of those close to you. Breakdowns, disappointments, lack of trust and the list goes on. It’s almost like existing to trick urself that the answer is just around the corner. It’s dealing with things just because u don’t have the energy and because u don’t call the shots, is ultimately pointless. The same shit day after day, very little variation in what the agenda is, just variety in how the mission gets accomplished.

It’s a byproduct of making bad choices and having unfortunate circumstances. Its battling back from the brink of destruction and possibly death to find parts of u that were ravished;while also accepting that ur broken and not sure if u will be fixed. It’s dealing with the demons that permeate ur thoughts at times. It’s knowing that ur labor rate is so much more than what u see twice a month and struggling to break out that box.

It’s always feeling the breakthrough near, but not quite being able to reach out nd snatch it. Feeling like the landmines continuously trip u up and u have to start from A or B again. Toiling in unnecessary situations only to get back to that point and repeat. The cycle seems relentless, wondering will it be broken. Will I ever attain the lofty goals and dreams. Not knowing which way to turn in order to make that needed, missing connection. What to do? How to do it?

Tired of hurting, feeling pain and grief. Unsure of what to do, how to move and when to move. They cycle goes on every day. It’s like a thriller, only you know the outcome and still it’s just as horrifying at times. You can see it coming from a distance. You can feel it coming like a dark, mysterious cloud. I just truly wonder how do we undue this cycle. How can the repetition be broken? I’m not sure just yet, but I’m tired and I was always told that u get sick and tired of being sick and tired, u make a change.

Stay tuned