Everybody has different ways of coping with pain, stresses, hurts and disappointments of life. Depending on the severity, frequency and who causes these traumas to happen, your ability to cope may be very drastic or very easy.

When I was younger and would endure emotional or mental or physical pain, my recovery from those things was usually pretty swift and seamless. I was able to effectively erase those moments from memory and live like nothing happened.

That’s what I was leading myself to believe. However, the reality is, in truth, what was happening was I was slowly being torn nd broken with each incident. I was making multiple personalities and voices inside me in order to try and protect myself from the people and situations that led to my heartache.

The irony is every time I would do the work to recover and strengthen myself better than before, some shit would happen to blow up the progress made. And you know, it wasn’t because I kept doing the same things, I wasn’t dating the same type person. All the boxes you check, I checked every fucking one. But there I was going through anothter rebuild.

Well this time the shit was as intrusive, invasive and devastating as anything I’ve ever been through. It ripped every thing I worked for, built, sacrificed and put my effort to pieces. And with that came all the different voices and personalities rushing to try and shield me from any more pain, hurt and despair.

I have worked so hard the past 7 and a half months to rebuild myself, from head to toe. Not knowing sometimes how I’m going to eat. Sometimes worries if I’ll be able to take care of myself. Trying to understand who I am today and who I can lean on for support. And you know what, all that work and the job isn’t nearly close to complete.

The voices are strong some days. Some days they take over my brain and my thoughts are erratic and scattered. Emotions and feelings are vast and unfiltered. Raw and intense. Other times, they’re muted and aloof. Withdrawn and reclusive. Then occasionally, I realize that I have made significant progress and I feel a little good about myself.

Just read the last couple paragraphs again and it’s enough to make you feel like you’ve been in a hurricane. It’s just surreal sometimes. From a complete destruction of my personal and professional life, to the details of how I lost my son, to the betrayl of who I thought was a brother and one who was like a protege. All of it sitting on my chest and really no one to truly turn to.

It has bore a man who is sometimes truly lost. No trust in no one. No belief in anybody, no matter the title they currently hold. Sometimes I just detach myself from the world. I don’t wanna be bothered or disturbed. Sometimes to conquer this, I unlock the inner beast and fuck my way out my feelings. I know people have it worse. But trust me I can’t just explain it all and nor do I wanna try. All I know are the voices are getting louder. They are growing bigger and they are starting to take over.

The result of all of this. I have no fuckin clue. I just kno it can only lead to the unknown and that may be the scariest thing of all. I don’t really kno where it bottoms out and turns back up.

Talk to me America