One of the things that I’ve had to learn over the years is that to forgive in order to be free. For a very long time it was really hard for me to forgive someone who had hurt me. It was difficult to let go the pain a former lover caused me. And it wasn’t until the last couple of years that I realized that when you forgive someone, it’s actually not for them to feel better. In truth, it’s so that you can take back control of your life an feel at peace with things ending.

Pain in inevitable, hurt is a part of life and happiness is what we all strive for. Relationships, both sexual and plutonic, will challenge who you are as a person. They will make you think, they will make you change and ultimately, they will make you better. The only down fall is that sometimes those exact relationships will also rock you to your very core. It is no secret that many people have done many things resulting from tumultuous relationships with people.

One of the primary reasons, in my mind, that we as a people are so fucked up with how we treat one another is because we perpetuate hurt. We don’t know how to get the proper therapy needed to recover. We don’t want to forgive those who hurt us, so we stay in this dark place of pain and anger. Eventually, over time, it causes us to have poisonous relationships with every one we come in contact with. That’s why folks who get divorced are so bitter and cantankerous towards each other.

People who’ve been in long term relationships and they end, you find one or both persons are scorned and bitter. They take that frustration and anger out on the next lover or multiple lovers. They don’t know how to accept true love when it comes knocking, because they’ve been burned by the fake shit for so long. I understand how it works because I’ve been there before.

Whether it was a lover, or family, or friends I know what that feeling is like to be jilted by someone you thought truly care about you. I know how hard it can be to forgive and let go. To move on and not let it engulf who you are as a person. It’s hard not to get a black heart and become cold-hearted towards people because of the nasty shit that people do. But you have to remember that as long as you hold on to that pain, hurt, distress and anger, whomever caused you those feelings are the ones in control of you not yourself.

The remedy for this is simple, but extremely complicated to do. You must learn to forgive. Forgive the person for treating you wrong, but most importantly forgive yourself because you are allowed to let your guard down. I understand how hard that be to do. To forgive someone who broke your heart, let you down, caused you harm. But the truth of the matter is if you don’t your life will be marred by disappointment, heart break and failure.

It is not until you learn how to forgive those who have wrong you and to forgive yourself for allowing the wrong to happen, that you begin to regain control of your life. People always wonder how those who get knocked down get back up, because they have control. They may temporarily lose it, but it never is gone permanently. So the next time something happens to you and don’t know what to do, I’ve got a couple things to try.

One, wallow for a moment, because you’re allowed to do so. Then get up, brush yourself off, gather your thoughts, make a plan and go about forgiving that person or persons who wrong you. Once you’ve done all that, forgive yourself. And move on; because life won’t stop and the world won’t be waiting to lift you up. Just be strong, hold on, and know that you’ve got the power to make it through.