I’ve had to sit back and think about what growing up really means and how growth can often times leave you lonely. In talks with my best friend though, I discovered that it’s a nationwide, global situation that seems to occur in blocks of time in your life.

This seems to be one of those blocks and it’s very interesting when you realize it’s happening and the different reactions of those you associate with. From close friends, to mere acquaintances the reactions to the changes occurring are of shock and dismay a bit. And for me it’s one of volatility and uncertainty.

I’m learning what it means to grow into yourself and how to cherish the real and dismiss the imaginary. It’s ironic that when you allow yourself to be stuck in a drama filed, chaotic, messy lifestyle and being surrounded by the same people, you have more “friends” and “fun.”

Finding yourself in a world that still has a lot of prejudice towards Black men and Black, Gay Men is extremely difficult and if you don’t have a strong sense of self or a strong inner circle, you can believe it’s enough to make you question your relevance. I’ve had numerous internal conversations with myself lately trying to figure out of I’m doing the right things and making the right decisions.

Making sense out of reality can be tough. Accepting that people will use you for what you have more then they will befriend you what you share in common is a hard thing to accept. When you know that you are authentic and real, giving and honest, but that only gets you the leeches before it gets you the same type of person in return.

A big part of growth is knowing your self worth and not allowing those who are only appreciative of your physical or monetary gifts to ruin that development process. It is the hardest thing to do, because most of us as people like being accepted and moreover like being around people. But what you learn as you grow is you have to be careful of the people you are around. While all people can serve a purpose and can help you have a good time, most don’t have your best interest at heart and being in that circle can have negative consequences.

So as I sit here this morning, struggling with the loneliness and doubt of what I’m doing, I think I actually take solace in the fact that I see myself growing and I see the changes I’m making. The decisions are more rational and the outcomes are more positive. But the facts still remain, finding those friends that are truly friends and want that same success you do is tough. Leaving behind those who are stuck in the past can be trying, but it’s necessary. And growing out of usual patterns into new habits is difficult, but a requirement.

Growing up sometimes is lonely and continual growth can often lead to lonely times, but hopefully the end result makes it all worth it. Just some food for thought.