You know oft used phrase “Home is Where the Heart Is”, is a statement that rings true in so many ways, but it flawed in very demonstrative and tangible way. What happens when the heart is do torn that it doesn’t know where home is or how to find it?

I challenge this statement at it’s core because I’ve seen many people who spend time retreading relationships, hurting new people and running from the prospects of long-term happiness with one individual because their hearts have been so damaged that they don’t know how to heal it or where to start.

I will freely admit that as a consistent Church goer and seeker of inner peace, I still struggle with this dynamic quite a bit. I struggle to understand when it’s time to open up to someone and when to just exhibit that cold, uncaring spirit that just brushes off attempts at interactions with someone new.

I am a social butterfly, filled with life and energy, passion and fire, warmth and love, but at the same time, I am also beginning to understand the darker side of failed love. The abuse of the heart, the torment of the soul, the destruction of individual worth. Maybe it’s because so many in this state would rather find that dick or ass to suck or fuck, rather than find that person whose heart is genuine, intentions are good and build a life together.

Too many people run under the guise of self improvement and that is the justification they use to break off something good; when in reality, they’re scared of being hurt, afraid of losing another good thing and most importantly they don’t want to used, abused and thrown out again. I see the conflict that others wrestle with because I myself grapple with the same internal fight. Do I allow someone else to come in and potentially light up my life or shun them away because I just don’t want another cold, lonely night.

I’ve started on a journey to figure out why am I really under so much strife. I’m finding lost loves and the cleansing is an amazing one. But even as I find them, see them, talk to them and reflect, I’m still torn. The thoughts of what was and what could have been mix with the thoughts of peace and happiness that closure is coming.

Maybe that’s because there are two big pieces missing that I have yet to find. Two huge holes in my heart that I’ve struggled to move beyond and one big piece that seems to never want to commit. My goal is inner peace with these situations and I’m working as only I know how, but I also know that it’s been tormenting me for a while and I finally think I’m ready to put them all to bed.