Month: February 2015

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My Personal Nativity

So I just got done watching for the time Black Nativity and I’m not ashamed to say that there were a couple parts in the movie that pulled at my emotions and brought me to tears. Yes the end of the movie was the part that opened the flood games for a multitude of reasons. Now before I dig into this blog, let me give a little more background. I have researched the word Nativity, and I am not comparing my birth to that of Christ because I am not that good, nor am I that person. I am, however, taking the definition that Nativity is the explanation of the circumstances surrounding a birth. And it is that part of the definition that brings me to this blog.

I’ve come to realize that my life has two births. One is my physical, literal birth, the day that I came out of my mother and begin to live my life on this earth. That was 30, soon to be 31, years ago and my second birth was when I was truly born into the gay life, and that was 11, soon to be 12 years ago.

See these are two distinct and different times in my life. It also is starting to help me see why, I think, there has been so much struggle in my own personal life, but also as to why so many gay people struggle once they’re born into this life.

See when I say born into the life, don’t take that as a literal meaning because I am of the belief that you do not get to choose if you are straight or gay, it is inately determined when you are born. When I say born into the life, I mean the day that you come out and begin to live your life as a homosexual individual. See the day that happens is a new birth.

My Nativity into the life is one of most gay males, but especially Black gay males. It started with my mama questioning me and not understanding why it is I chose to be this way. Her desire to try and quote scripture in her justification as to why I should not be the way that I am. As I commonly refer to it, the brain washing of Black folks from the pulpit.

It continued with the disapproval and disgust of my father. Him not wanting to accept or understand why his son is gay and would choose to live an openly gay life in America. Not really realizing that there were other children of his who walked in this taboo lifestyle. See my birth in this life was made challenging because contrary to my traditional birth where I had a mother and a father to nurture me and help me navigate the obstacles of life, I was born into this lifestyle with someone who was just two years older than me. And yes that two years meant everything because he was born into the lifestyle though many years prior, so he had experience to give but he was still just a kid really trying to learn his way.

See to me the point of the play and the movie, Black Nativity, more so than detailing the birth of Jesus, is to get us to understand that the challenges and hardships we face in life are a product of what you born into, but it does not have to be the definition of who you are. Jesus was placed on Earth to absolve us of all our missteps and wrongdoings. And God is executioner of Grace and Mercy.

So as I look back upon my birth into this life I see that all the mistakes I’ve made, the holes that exist in my development have been absolved. I’m learning and growing into what I can be because I refused to let the absence of a mother and/or father who was gay and could help guide me through this lifestyle be my failure.

That is part of the reason I decided to start my own gay family. I realized that the best way to leave a mark on this planet was to make sure that I could reach folks like me.. born into this lifestyle without biological parents who completely understand or accept who you are. I’m proud to say that I’ve been able to do just that and my prayer is that I will be able to leave an even stronger impact as I get older and am able to share more of the knowledge and experiences I’ve gained with those who are infants to this life.

My Nativity is one that has taken so many unforeseen turns and obstacles. It has challenged every thing I ever believed and molded me into a person that tries to lend that helping hand. So I hope this piece helps those who read it to understand that you will have multiple births in  your life and how you handle the deficiencies that happen during your birth will ultimately determine the end result of the life you get born into.

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A Thief Comes In Many Forms

You know this has probably been the most challenging start to a year that has not involved money since I’ve been a grown man. I’ve had to sit back and reflect on all the relationships and friendships I’ve encountered over the years. I’ve also had to take inventory of my emotions, in addition to my clothes I’ll get back to that in a second, that made me realize that a thief can steal from you in a multitude of ways.

The first kind of thief you have, is the most common thief, is the person who steals materialistic things from you. And I’m not diminishing how difficult and emotionally draining it can be to have someone steal your possessions from you, but trust me there is another type of thief that puts this one to shame.

We all have had someone, either friend or lover, whose stolen something from us and it made you feel some kinda way. You got all in your feelings because they violated you by taking something that either you brought, or someone gave to you, and therefore it has a value that goes beyond the financial price tag.

Yet, it’s exactly this kind of thief that you can recover from relatively quickly and without much of a thought, so long as the items taken can be replaced with little effort. I do admit that the more the item holds that intrinsic value that we cannot quantify does it become more challenging to move on from this kind of thief.

The second type of thief is the one that can a lot longer effect because what they take from you is much more close to you and it cannot be brought, and in some cases, explained. This is the thief that steals your emotional and mental stability, which means they are stealing from your soul. See this is the person that winds up holding control over you to an extent because they’ve tapped into the deeper parts of you that the world doesn’t get to see.

I’m absolutely certain that once again we all have experienced this type of individual too. For most of us all we have to do is look at our former lover, spouse, or close friend that has now become estranged or completely removed from the picture. See that person is special; those types of people don’t come along often so when you have one of those types of relationships and it sours, it takes a piece of you and your soul with it. You’re left with a little void and the reality is no one knows how long it will really take to get over that emotional scar.

And then there is the final type of thief and that’s the combo thief. You guessed it, this is the thief who steals both the materialistic possessions and the emotional, mental, soulful things as well. You know my ex falls into this category. While at first I thought it was just the mental and emotional drain from him, I took a look through my closet this week and realized that during the time I allowed him to stay with me until he moved into his own spot, he stole a couple pairs of my pants and was sly as fuck about it.

See I guess that’s that problem when you have a lot in your closet and you don’t wear the same thing each week; someone can come along and pick your pockets before you realize what’s missing. But you know as I have always said, the bitch that steals from me is the bitch that’s too afraid to ask. I hope he gets good wear out those pants and while he portrays to have that manish appeal on the outside, all the shit I’ve dealt with as a result of him shows me that he really is a bitch on the inside.

So touche to him and I hope he’s happy with the thievry he’s pulled off, because if we cross paths, I’ll show him what it’s like to steal your smile. And no I’m not going to physically touch or harm him, but ask around I got that asshole like attitude that will leave you with a inner void.

Do you know who your thieves are?