Month: January 2015

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Inside The Writers Mind

Over the past few weeks I’ve been struggling with a very personal issue, very close to my soul. I know that many who’ve read these blogs and have interacted with me throughout my life would say that I’m a very extroverted, eccentric person, who isn’t bashful about telling you how I feel. And while on the whole that is very true, there are times where I feel as though revealing those feelings at times can cause more harm than good.

I have developed into the guy who believes that your actions are worth more than your words. Because in truth, words can be manipulated and twisted but your actions are pretty concrete. I have tended to let my actions speak more that my words when I feel that I’m either unable to speak my thoughts with careful discretion, or I don’t want to cause something that makes me be in my feelings to become a front line story.

What I’ve found is that in doing this, you accomplish your goal. For me it’s to let you know that I’m not really happy with you right now, but it’s not a dagger or a gavel banging situation. I think because I’ve spent so much of my life with a smile on my face and an appearance of always being in control of my feelings and thoughts, that people tend to forget I’m human and entitled to be in my feelings, and subsequently, get out of them without being questioned or chastised.

As hard as I try to always be fair and impartial, I have to state the obvious, which is that I am inherently flawed and wrong at times because I am human and I make mistakes like anyone else. I have feelings that just don’t always go away with the flick of a wand or snap of some fingers. I am more sensitive that folks realize because I don’t let the inner softness always display on my outer core.

I always write in my blogs that I am a complicated melody, and I don’t do it just for show or to borrow lines from an artist I adore. I use those two words because it is a complete definition of who I am and what my beliefs are and the makeup of my life. I challenge anyone to take the time to learn a little about me and who I am and you will probably come away saying the same thing, but I also promise you will know why too.

There are times I feel that change is needed in order to maintain a sense of control over these feelings that float thru my mind and body, but I will freely admit most don’t understand the methods to my madness. I am very thoughtful and careful with these changes, so always know I am always a melody, just complicated in spurts.

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Scared of Lonely

You know I’ve had conversations lately with friends and fam and I must say that the theme coming out of the past few weeks is.. I don’t know how to be alone. When I say that I don’t mean to be negative or condescending, but I’ve learned that until you can learn to be ok with being by yourself, you are likely to struggle when you’re in a relationship. And the reason is because you don’t allow yourself a chance to heal from the past relationship and make the necessary changes going into the next relationship.

Now I’m pretty comfortable with saying that 99% of the world has struggled with the complex in their lives. And no there is no specific thing that can be done in order to conquer this issue. I think it just comes along with growing and learning how to be comfortable with yourself. You know I even have to admit that while I’ve become very comfortable with living by myself and comfortable with sleeping alone, I will admit I miss the daily affection of another man.

I miss coming home and being able to kiss and hug that special someone. I miss cooking dinner for one another, for going on dates with that special person. I miss telling that one special guy I love you. Yes, I know that to some I’m a cold-hearted. insensitive, uncaring bitch; but that is quite contrary to my personality and character.

While I sit back and wait for the next real relationship to arrive, and yes I got eyes on someone, I ask have to admit that thinking about you makes a little weak in the knees; hearing your voice and seeing you up close makes me wish you’d never leave. Cuddling up and holding you tight, hearing you breathe makes me think about the life we’re breathing into this bond forming.

Scared of lonely is more of a realistic norm than people know. See there are people who stay in relationships for fear of lonely; people hop from man to man or woman to woman, because they can’t or don’t want to be alone. They don’t want to face themselves and allow for the self-examination process to work itself through.

One of these days very soon the game will change. One day soon the world be revealed to someone who might just be the one to make some noise and disrupt the lonely situation. I’m learning to be patient when it comes these things and while it scares me death sometimes to think about being alone, I’m nervous because I feel my heart trying to reopen again, my feelings stand on edge again, my love start to be robust again.

Once upon a time I was scared of lonely and would never be in a situation where I didn’t have man, now I’m scared of lonely, but I’m more scared of destruction of my soul. I cherish my heart more than I cherish sharing my bed. But make no mistake about it, this complicated melody over here will soon have the perfect song writer that makes this melody harmonious.

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The State of This Union…

As I sit back and reflect on the address just delivered to the nation by President Barack Obama, I must say that I’ve never seen a President so cool, calm, relaxed and swagged out as he was giving this prestigious address to the nation, in front of Congress.

The first African American President of this great nation delivered, what was in my opinion, the best address yet. I listened with great intent as he talked about programs and initiatives that spoke to my interests and frankly the interests of the majority of the country. I heard a President who really felt free and loose, as though he was finally back in his element.

I heard a President who sounded like candidate Obama and Senator Obama, delivering what was a galvanizing speech that millions rallied behind. I was apart of the Pulse MSNBC poll, that was constantly seeking feedback to the President’s address, and it was amazing how many Republicans and Independents were in support of his proposals and ideas.

And OMG, my damn the shade he threw all throughout this speech was simply epic. I have to admit my favorite line of the was: “I have no more campaigns to run…I know because I won both of them.” HA! If that was not the best shade he could ever throw at those who continue to bash him as an illegitimate President and not having any real juice. Well bitches I think he has all the juice cuz he was elected twice, and by clear comfortable margins both times.

You know it’s times like this when I must say that I am really proud to be an American. I get to hear the President deliver his goals and thoughts for the country. He gives his reasons why he thinks the country is so strong and why we are rebounding so strongly.

You know I heard so many opportunities for Republicans to join with the President to get these objectives accomplished, but as you already know they don’t wanna do anything with this President that will make him look good. See for as much as President Obama and others want to believe that we can reach a post-racial America, the reality is that quite a few members in Congress do not want this Black President to be successful and have his Presidency be a huge success.

Thank you President Obama for all that you have done in this post , despite all the odds that have been put in front of him. I love how he referenced the events in Missouri and New York, but still paid respects to the good police officers that protect and serve the communities. I am very impressed and thankful that this President has presided over the nation during these trying times. See as most of us already know, when times are really tough and we need to get thru, put a Black person in charge and we will get the job done.

I don’t know who will be elected the next President in 2016, but I do know that thanks to all the hard work, energy, and fight from this President there will be a much better economy and world standing for this country. As we enter into the twilight of his time as President, I think President Obama is setting the stage for a grand exit and definitely leaving an indelible mark in history. When we look back at his time in office, I think he will much more credit than he is now.

#SOTU #Obamasmackdown #Politicaltheatre

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Being Rough Can Make You Go Soft..

So listen I’ve had many different experiences with people trying to be hard and firm with me in order to prove a point or teach a lesson. And to honest most people fail and fail miserably; typically because I’m just not the type of guy who really responds well to that kind of tactic and also because if I don’t really have strong feelings for you, all you gone by being a “bitch” is close the door and I’ll walk away.

However, if you have my interest, and a piece of my emotions then you really can get a lot of this tactic. But you still have to know how to correctly blend the tough love part with the sweet conversationalist part. See I try to let it be known that I am a complicated melody. In order to get the right harmony out of me you have to stroke the right keys and listen carefully. Because while you may think you’re hitting the right cords and you’re in the pocket, in reality you could off just enough to see the other side of me.

I don’t try to do things to make it necessary for the hard ass approach but I guess there are times when I need a lil tough love to make me understand why I don’t always need to be so complicated, and maybe there are times when I need to lower my guard and just let that special someone in. You know I guess it’s true what they say, that once your heart starts to turn a little black, it takes a pure form of love to turn you back.

I’ve been in some situations where I put my all out there and was the nice, sweet, harmonious melody from the beginning, only to be destroyed and left to pick up the pieces. So now I have a style that makes the melodies a little harder to reach, it makes the notes more effort to attain, but once you figure out the right style for you to tickle my chocolate ivory to get that perfect sound, well…you’ve opened Pandora’s box and the sky is the limit for what I’m willing to do for you.

It’s funny because you would think that someone who is well seasoned in the life would be able to figure out how to be the hard ass and get what they want out of me…but the funny thing is sometimes its the person that you least expect to give that hard ass love, that makes you feel like you’re right where you should be.. I laugh so many times because only a person whose really close to me would know how to use this trick.

So yea, I’ve kinda given the playbook away as to the trick that could unlock the box, but once again I say beware…because like I said earlier in this blog, if I don’t no fucks about you the hard, rough line you try to draw will be the benediction line, and I’ll be saying in my head ” May the Lord watch between me and thee, while we’re absent, one from another.”

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Remembering The Dream

Today we as a nation pay homage to the great legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. As a Morehouse Man, there is a special significance to honoring his great legacy, because it was the college where King really began the journey to become the revered figure that he in today’s society. He has statues and a building named in his honor and the school is all to happy to pay tribute to the legend that he was with countless images  and quotes that he made.

You know it’s kind of funny that in the lifestyle I live, we use this holiday to symbolize the unofficial start to the Gay Pride season. When so many flock to Atlanta and other major metropolitan cities to celebrate themselves, more than they really pay tribute to this great legend.

I am always taken aback to the great speech he made that galvanized this country. When he stood on hollowed grounds in Washington D.C. and delivered one of the most timeless and referenced speeches in American history. See he outlined the way forward for our country during a time when we were deeply divided and trying to find the stability between freedom and tradition.

He dreamed of a society that did not judge you based upon your skin complexion, but how intelligent you were and what you could bring to the table. He talked about a country that could see past all the racial, gender, and stereotypical divides to become the beacon that shines in the darkness. He talked about leaving behind a country that could flourish and come together as a people to advance all social issues that led to inequality.

As we sit today looking back, we have come a long way since King. We are not in a civilization where we have separate bathrooms for Black people and White people. We are not in a time where Black people can’t get into schools that were founded and protected for Whites. We are not in a time when the KKK is a rampid organization terrorizing the world.

But, we are not completely realizing the dream that King had. Yes, we have realized the election and re-election of the first Black President, but we still have a country that is starkly divided among racial, gender, sexual orientation, and financial backgrounds. So if I were challenging people today it would be, to think outside of your own box.

Take some time to see the world from another one’s point of view. One that doesn’t look like you, act like you, sound like you. See once we realize that even though we all come from different backgrounds, we are all one people that have common interests that cut across all divides we can humanize one another so much better and begin to heal a lot of the scars and wounds that have developed due to the history and lineage of this nation.

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What Happened to Bring Your A Game

So my final sports rant of the night is really more of a disbelief situation. I read the story about a basketball team in California that won their game 161-2. Yes that’s not a misprint, it was 104-1 at the half. The coach of the basketball team that won was suspended two games, for apparently poor sportsmanship, because of this monsterous blowout. Now reading further into the details of this story, the head coach of the winning team tried to impose a running clock in the third period but the officials denied his request; only to grant the request for the entire fourth quarter.

The coach also pulled his starters after halftime and did not play his signature press defense after the first half. The result is that in the second half his reserves outscored the other team 57-1. Now his comments were that if he had to do over, he would play his starters after the first period, and then he said he would have just not played the game at all.

Let me be clear, I think that this is the biggest case of overaction and bullshit I’ve seen in a while. So you punish the head coach because he has a team that was prepared and clearly shot the lights out, and you also penalize this team by not letting them have their head coach for a couple games, because they’re too good. Why the fuck didn’t they suspend the opposing team’s coach for putting such an attrious team on the court? Maybe he should be looked at for not properly preparing his kids to play this game.

Then he calls the coach of the winning team unethical because he didn’t bench his kids in the first period. I thought the point of playing competitive sports was to stop the opposing team from scoring and to do your best to score?? If you can’t do either of those things is someone really suppose to have mercy on you for blowing your doors off?

is it poor sportsmanship to have your best performance of the year? NO. Is it poor sportsmanship to remove your starters after the first half, institute a running clock, and try to institute it sooner? NO. I’m now getting sick of this overaction that somehow it is the responsibility of the winning team to not embarrass the losing team by not beating the shit out of them.

I was always told that if you can’t stop the other team, you have no right to bitch if you get your ass beat. Maybe that means you need to focus better in practice. Maybe you need to play better, and sometimes on a given night, the opposing team just has it going on and they’re gonna kick  your ass. But never should you penalize a coach for doing his job and for his team masterfully doing their job.

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The Big Brother Bitch Slap

You know I like to think of myself as a mix between a sports purist and a contemporary. By combining these two, let me explain what I mean: I believe that college sports is the best and purist form of sport. See to bench a kid in college means something. They have to sit and stew, but also learn that the game they play is not all about them. But also, I am contemporary enough to know that sometimes your punishment has to be creative to fit into today’s culture. In the pro game if you bench a player you don’t know if they’re going to respond to the coach or call their agent and work a deal to change teams.

So with that back drop let me say that reading the story about the NCAA doing a mia-culpa and basically reversed all the sanctions levied against the Penn State program for their gross negligence in the Jerry Sandusky sexual assault case. I have to say that I’m a bit pissed off that the governing body did not have the spine to stand tall in the face of their penalties imposed. I hate everything about this agreement.

Lawmakers and lawyers filing suit because they think their valued institution was over punished for a heinous crime allowed to proceed unchecked on their campus, under their legendary coach, in their football facilities, with no concern for the young boys who were molested. To say that there is anything fair about this ruling is insane.

And yes I understand the argument that some make that the innocent football players shouldn’t be penalized for their head coach and assist coaches misconduct. But, exactly what is Lack of Institutional Control, but the university not providing the correct oversight to their athletics programs. SMU was given the death penalty for infractions committed by their coaches towards players. Other institutions have been placed on probation and had victories and titles stripped because of benefits provided to players by folks associated with the program.

Mind you while these things are a violation of the NCAA rules, they are not criminal in nature alone. Jerry Sandusky was breaking the law for years, hell decades without so much as a investigation by the university and you mean to tell me any one with half a damn brain can say that the NCAA over-reached in their punishments. For all I care, you could have given them the death penalty and I would have been satisfied.

It’s time to stop propping these college programs up as “Too big to fail”, and let them learn the hard way that control and oversight are essential elements of institutional control, no matter how big your sports programs are, or how legendary of a coach you have on your sidelines. Hey NCAA, you screwed the fuckin’ pooch this time and I hope you are eradicated very soon. Your oversight has been biased, weak and lacks any real teeth.

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Do You have that Shut Up Player

So I was watching a basketball game and the announcer said that the player who made a clutch shot for the road team was what he called a “shut up” player. Mind you this is the first time on a nationally televised game I’ve heard the announcer say that the player was the sit down and shut up player.

When I first heard it I thought maybe he was just a bit a excited and he would clean up his comments. But as they were doing the replay of the shot, he kept repeating himself saying, “He’s telling the fans to sit down and shut up” and then said the best teams have a “shut up” player.

To someone like me who grew up hearing this term and other statements like it I found it refreshing that announcers were finally using lingo that was extremely current and relate-able. I also found it amusing as fuck because he really was serious about the description of the player.

What it did though was got me to thinking that inside of the three major sports where one individual can be that shut up player, how many teams really have that person. And it also made me want to rate my current shut up players and my all time shut up player lists.

But for the sake of time I’m just going to focus on pro football and basketball, because if I included baseball and college ball I’d be here way to damn long..LOL, so lets look at my lists for the NBA first, and yes I’m perfectly fine having the debate as to whether or not you agree with the list. This is my order and yea I will say I am a little biased on this current and all time list.

1. Kobe Bryant 2. Dwayne Wade 3. Kevin Durant 4. LeBron James 5. Russell Westbrook 6. Dirk Nowitzki 7. John Wall 8. Damian Lillard 9. Derrick Rose 10. Anthony Davis

For full disclosure I don’t like the Lakers or Kobe but the reality is, he is that sit down and shut up guy still even at his current age. I love the Bulls and D-Rose but he’s still rebuilding that rep if this were three years ago he would be top 5 fa-sho. All-time list next….

1. Michael Jordan 2. Kareem Abdul-Jabar 3. Bill Russell 4. Wilt Chamberlain 5. Kobe Bryant 6. Larry Bird 7. Tim Duncan 8. Paul Pierce 9. Shaquille O’Neal 10. LeBron James.. This was a very tough list and there are names left off, but please remember this isn’t an all time best player list, this is that guy that when the ball is in his hands you know he will make you sit down and shut up. Honorable mention: Reggie Miller, Ray Allen, Vince Carter.

My NFL list is going to be slightly predictable and also a little longer on the honorable mention side because quite frankly there are to me more of these type players but I will do my best to not have too many…

Current players: 1. Aaron Rodgers 2. Tom Brady 3. Peyton Manning 4. Tony Romo 5. Calvin Johnson 7. Dez Bryant 8; Ben Roethlisberger 8. Drew Brees 9. J.J. Watt 10. Richard Sherman 10. Darrell Revis; Honorable Mention: Terrence Williams, Matt Bryant, Patrick Peterson, Terrell Suggs, Marshawn Lynch, Cam Newton, Russell Wilson, Devin Hester, Andre Johnson, Anquan Boldin, Jordy Nelson, Randall Cobb, Brandon Marshall, Andrew Luck. Yes there may be omissions, but I want two years at least of play making to put you on my list.

All-time list: 1. Terry Bradshaw 2. Troy Aikman 3. Tom Brady 4. Peyton Manning 5. Jim Brown 6.  O.J. Simpson 6. Deacon Jones 7. Charles Haley 8. Deion Sanders 9. Michael Irving 10. Ray Lewis 10. Emmitt Smith 10. Rod Woodson 10. Charles Woodson 10. Lynn Swann 10. Tony Dorsett 10. Earl Campbell and many more from the days gone by.

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The Power of No

Let me say that for as long as I’ve been in this lifestyle as a gay man, I’ve realized that the most powerful word to tell another man is No. It amazes me how many times when you tell someone no when you are first meeting and learning each other, how many times conversations end and wild assumptions begin to be made about the type of person you are.

I would like to suggest to some of these dumb ass people, walking around thinking that the beginning of something new is when you should always get a yes answer, to get a fucking clue and realize that just because you might be pretty or handsome or have some good ass or dick, it doesn’t entitle you to anything let alone a yes to anything you ask.

I find it absolutely laughable that there are actually guys out there that think this way. I don’t know if people are just use to insecure men doing whatever they want to keep getting a taste of some good wood or ass, but I think it’s really ignorant.

And then add to that, I’ve never seen so many niggas who a problem with a person who has rules and guidelines for how they live their lives. To make the association that because will not buy you something because they don’t believe in it that they are cheap is stupid and ignorant and quite frankly immature. it’s the first lesson that you’re taught, which is that you must stand for what you believe in, even when someone else doesn’t like or agree with your stance.

I am using this blog as my vent session because I think I’ve reached my fucking limit with niggas who want to think that cuz they let you fuck one that they are entitled to something. That just because you don’t bend over to kiss their ass when they want something that you don’t add up and now all conversation must cease. To you who believe I say, check your egos at the door and come to the modern world. You might be cute, you might have that good good but make no mistake about it, it’s not all about you.

I’m sure all of us know someone like this, have experienced someone like this and have a similar story to tell. So by all means share your story or drop a line, I wouldn’t  mind the debate on both sides of this topic, I think it would be fascinating.

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End The Fantasy

You know I understand the dynamic that many people tend to think that just because someone is a marquee sports athlete that they must automatically be above the rest and this paragon of morality and virtues. But I challenge you to stop believing the media hype and understand that athletes are normal people.

Moreover, please realize that college athletes are: one, still student, but two and more important, they are young kids trying to find their way and place in society while under the biggest spotlight and scrutiny in the world. These kids are 18-22 years old, experiencing their first times living away from home and learning how to handle superstar status and freedom at the same time.

I get sick of people assuming that just because you win some damn award for being the best college athlete or scholar athlete that it transforms you into this super mature person who is now not going to make mistakes because you have won something. The reality is they just like everyone else are learning how to be adults and act on their own.

I challenge anyone to think back to when they were 18-22 years old and tell me that you were the most mature person. Tell me that you weren’t making mistakes and doing shit that you had no business doing. I want anyone to tell me that they didn’t experiment with some of things these college athletes do; weed, drinking, etc.

No, I don’t think they should be above the law or not have to answer for their actions, but i do believe that we should all be given a chance to grow up and make mistakes and learn from them. There’s not a chance in hell that just because you win a sports trophy that you should be expected to be perfect. It’s a fallacy.

Now that Jameis Winston is headed for the NFL, I wonder how much people are going to keep referencing his college mistakes. Oh, and just because he gets drafted at 21, don’t think he’s now the ultra grown man, he’s not. Please remember it’s life’s experiences that makes you a mature and grown individual. It is those moments where you have to look within yourself and be faced with adversity before you really know what maturity and growth is.

So lets chill out on all the deification of these athletes to standards that are ridiculous anyway. They are normal humans, playing sports at a super human level, but they still go through the same normal, human personal growth process.