You know as I’ve evaluated myself and the things that I’ve done throughout the recent past in my life I have to accept that for a period of time I was a tyrant to the likes of which I had never seen within myself. I never knew that I had the power to be as vengeful and wreckless to other peoples well-being and livelihood. I never realized that I could be so destructive and yet at the same time give off an air of innocence, pain and fear.

For so long I had operated with a mindset that the pain I felt inside was a result of torment inflicted upon me by a couple of figures from my past. And yes while there is some validity to that, there is also a truth that I was very destructive to quite a few people who tried to come into my life and help clean up the mess that was left behind from those dealings.

You know, you never really know how awful you were until you’ve come through the smoke and can see clearly what was behind you and around you. I am so very regretful for my painful actions. I pushed away many, ripped the hearts out of a few, strung along a few and never allowed anyone to really get to my soul because the black heart that tyranny fed off of was too big to allow anyone close.

For as much as I knocked those who hurt me, I must be open enough to admit that I hurt so many and I’ve had to confront that because some of those folks are still in my life to this day and there are times when we talk that I often flash back to those memories and realize that I was an asshole to the 20th power. I could control and manipulate a situation so strong that I would the person questioning why they had a problem with me in the first place.

And yes I’ve often wondered why there are so many who have said that I was and am an intimidating presence. To say that I have the total package is understandable but at the time I was with a couple of these people, I had nothing. I was trying to rebuild and really only had my looks and my personality. What I really realize now is that the intimidation came from the overpowering presence of the bully and tyrant in my body.

While none of the people whom that side of me affected may read this blog, I am a big believer in paying it forward and putting things in the atmosphere and they somehow have a way of completing the intended task. So I guess the lesson in all of this is.. yes you can be hurt and in pain, but also be a tyrant to others as well.

#peace #innerstrength #strong