Month: August 2014

3 Comments Posted on dating, love

Ooo.. I Think You’re Cute..

Is flirting considered cheating? I’ve had about as many arguments as I’ve had civil conversations about whether or not flirting constitutes cheating. This is one subject where I’m a little bit conflicted, because being a gay man, I’ve harmlessly flirted with women for years. I mean I will be extremely transparent and say that I don’t get turned on at all by a woman so flirting with them for me is just for fun. Where I have a little more of an issue however, is when it comes to flirting with another man. 

Yes gay men know how to flirt so smooth and easy, but also can be very blunt, overt and somewhat messy at times, depending on who’s doing the flirting. I have a very genuine respect for the person who says that they don’t like any kind of flirting by their significant other because they don’t like it and feel that it opens the door to all sorts of opportunities by someone else seeking that time and attention. I also respect the person who says that they are comfortable with themselves and their lover and if it’s just a little harmless flirting they don’t really care.

But I think that does beg the question: How much is too much? And this is where the whole divide begins and seems to take on a life of its own. Is it a sign of insecurity if you get caught in your feelings because someone flirts with ya boo, or if they flirt a little with someone else? Is it a sign that you or the other person aren’t really happy at home or are you just acting on your natural instinct to be engaging, personable and flirtatious? The confident man in me says that if there is a little flirting done by my dude or person I’m dating, I don’t become offended unless i feel like it crosses that threshold and becomes more intense and intimate. At no point should phone numbers or kik handles or twitter handles or Facebook handles be exchanged, because that is when I think it will carry too far and become something more than just a little flirting.

While I can honestly say that I have flirted and been flirted with while I’ve been in relationships, I have always made it clear that home is a happy place and nobody can change that unless I want them too. And to that end, I have usually held my poise when I see someone flirting with my dude, because I actually see it as a badge of honor that somebody else is tryna to get what got.. especially when they try to do it in my presence and my dude thanks them but politely says he’s not single. Being on both ends of watching it happen and having it happen I can say that as long as that trust there between the two people I think a little flirting keeps things healthy and fun.

#You look nice.. Do you flirt?

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Show me that dick…

One of the most controversial issues in rotation today is the sexting of adults and teenagers. Moreover, it’s the fact that so many people are having their pictures posted on social media once they send to the individuals requesting them, It’s a very interesting split as to how important people think it is and also how explosive the commentary is from people about the subject. The older folks think it’s horrible and shouldn’t be done and that they don’t understand why young folks are such in a rush to show off they dick and ass and the other. The younger generation, obviously, doesn’t take much thought into it and really feels like it kinda liberating and fun. 

See I don’t think that it’s such a big deal in most respects. Now I know that you know it’s not always popular to nor cool to have the world potentially seeing the pictures of your private parts, but I also think that when you have someone you kicking it with and they wanna see what you working with why not show them. It definitely gives you something to look forward to. I will be honest too and say that it can be a major damn turn on for somebody you dating or someone you’re about smash to send you pics of them and lets you have something to look at and imagine how it’s gonna feel.

I also think that men like it more then women because I think that for women they can be more sensitive about their bodies and lets be honest they think more about the consequences about where those photos could get out to and men also like to show off their dicks, especially if they big, so it makes more sense that we get caught up more often and have our pics out there. And you know when they sometimes wind up in the wrong hands all you can do is hope that they don’t circulate any further. Funny thing about it is when those pictures get passed around it actually drives your popularity up among those in the gay community because when they see what you got, more times than not, they wanna experience it and see if you really know how to use what you got. 

So the question I have for you is.. Do you like sexting? Have you sexted before?

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Are You In love with Yourself…

I’m constantly reminded of one of the first things my mama told me as I started to learn my way through adulthood, she always said to me that I have to always love myself. I find that to be massively important today as I’ve gone through some life altering events, and some of them not always positive or self reassuring. I have come to learn that if you don’t really have a strong sense of love for yourself, then you cannot truly love anyone else in a tangible way. See there are so many people who think that once they get a man or a woman that they will then be completed and have more love for themselves because someone else loves them.

The reality thou is that if you don’t love yourself and know how to make yourself feel good, then whomever you’re with will never be able to completely satisfy you, nor will be able to completely satisfy anyone else. It is very true that no one can tell you, show you, or teach you how to love yourself. All you can be given is a guide, a road map of sorts, but it is ultimately up to you to make sure that you know what it is to be in love with yourself. This is especially true in the gay life, because so many dudes struggle with their own self love and esteem issues because of all the vitriol and hardship we receive when we decide to come out and live our true selves. The fact of the matter is gay men on the whole struggle with this more than women, because there is still a huge taboo in this country to accept a man and a man, especially in the Black community.

And to me that’s where I have so much more respect for those who have had to learn to love themselves on their own, or with little support from their families, because they truly have an appreciation and understanding of why you must love yourself first because you can love anyone else or before they can love you. I truly believe that when you love yourself you don’t settle for bullshit and fake people. You won’t allow yourself to be called by anything and you’re always mindful of who you are no matter what situation you find yourself in. And yes I will admit that sometimes that is the biggest struggle to not lose sight of who you are.

I have had that struggle before and it was one of the most difficult challenges of my life. Because while I have always been seen as this strong, confident, at times arrogant individual, I too have struggled with my identity and love of myself. And just like everyone else who has had this struggle, I tried to find it in the love of someone else, only to find out that what I attracted was the same kind of person and the relationship was never right. .When you don’t know who you are, you’re prone to leeches who want to try and take advantage of your weakened state.

The power of loving yourself is greater than any other love on the planet. So, if you want to know where I get the confidence from, it comes from within myself; because after all I gotta always make sure to truly love myself.

#Find yourself…

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Settling for Less…

The most confounding thing to me is trying to understand why so many people allow themselves to be content with mediocrity and be with someone familiar, rather than step out and meet someone new and find that right one. While I have to say this happens for both sexes and in all communities, I see it happening far too often in the LGBT community. It’s like many of us think that we don’t truly deserve to be happy and that we have to settle for the person we’re with because we’re too busy latching on to the past and not focused on the today and the future.

In my view, a big part of the reason why we do this is because we second guess ourselves, don’t have the confidence in ourselves and quite honestly are very lazy and rather try to keep making a failing experiment work as oppose to allowing yourself to find someone new. Good men and women are out there and I really don’t know why people would want to waste months, years of their lives trying to make someone into who you want them to be or to make them love you, when there is someone out there who will do it all willingly.

I’ve always felt like sometimes we try too hard to follow the anecdotes of teachings from our parents and we take too literal some of the most common cliches. The reality is, yes you do have to fight for what you and want; and good things don’t necessarily come easy. But, the other reality is that you should never have to sacrifice yourself or your happiness to really have someone you want. Being able to be happy with yourself is the most critical element of knowing when it’s time to move on. 

See I feel that too many times people hide behind love, or the oh so common ” we got history” to stay in what really amounts to a dead situation. One of the things I have come to learn is that if you really want to see if that person you want wants you back, you have to be able to show that you can let them go. You have to let them chase you. One person should never do all the work in the relationship. It is true that the best relationship have elements of the unknown in the sense that at any given point in time you must be willing to chase each other until you put a ring on it and settle down.

As I will always say and believe, I never think that a successful relationship comes without great effort, some sacrifice and a willingness to take the time to learn. But, it never come at the expense of your self worth, of your ability to choose to stay or go, or on what was. The past is just that, a memory that cannot and should not be used to justify your misery with someone; yet, it should be used to form the bond and set the expectations. 

So ask yourself this question… #Are you settling for less??

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Do you like em hard or soft…

The great debate of masculine or feminine, hard or soft is one that rages on in the LGBT community. It’s sad to think that more than the personality of the person, the determination of whether most gay men and women talk to each other rests squarely on the fact of if the person a feminine or masculine. And while I certainly understand everyone’s right to choose who they want to date and with whatever characteristics they desire, I also think that it’s quite foolish to say that you can only date a masculine man because that’s what you are, or in most females and some males cases, I gotta date the opposite of me.

To me this theory almost certainly lends itself to not being able to really find a person that might be right for you simply because you can’t deal with parts of their personality. Again, for me I come in fairly indifferent to this one but I will say that I typically do not tend to date those who claim to be overly masculine because dealing with their attitudes doesn’t click well with me and I’m usually better served dating someone with a softer personality type to balance the aggressiveness that naturally shows through.

What I have also discovered is that for females, that fem, stud dynamic takes on a whole different meaning. But it can but much the same for men as well. For some reason we tend to assign roles to someone solely based of if they act, look, or dress hard or soft (masculine or feminine). I have thought for some time that that has to be the stupidest thing to do and the person who does it without knowing the full person is very small minded and is really trying to still fit into the heterosexual classifications of a man and woman relationship.

Something I always thought was weird was that in the aingst of the LGBT community to establish its independence and own identity, we still seem to want to run back the definitions provided by society for a traditional relationship, instead of setting our own boundaries and traditions. i often wonder if the years of fighting for our own equality and struggle to define ourselves, with the recent gains we’ve made have we actually become comfortable with being defined by someone else’s standards?

Does it really matter if you appear to be masculine or feminine? Is it really important if you’re a stud or a fem? I thought that as long as people were a match personality wise, and the sexual chemistry worked it didn’t matter. One thing I do know is some of most masculine men out there are some of most feminine in the bedroom and vice-verse with some of the feminine guys being more dominant and masculine than they appear. 

So where do you fit in on this conversation… #Does being hard matter..?

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On Top, Underneath, or Both…

This is probably one of my more funner blogs because it is a conversation I’m almost certain every gay man has had with someone at some point. Are you a top, bottom, or versatile? Now I can say that I know what it is to be two of these three in a relationship and quite honestly, I’ve been all three in “sex only” relationships. If you ask me which is the most fun I would definitely have to say being with someone else who is versatile is the best sex ever. There are so many things that you do, so many ways to please each other. See when both people are vers it make having sex a blast. And if you’re just having a sexual experience it opens up the possible choices for a threesome, foursome, or orgy to be tops, bottoms, or versatile just like the two people organizing the function.

Being the top i my relationships is usually where I wind up, and If not it’s just a very steamy versatile relationship. No, I don’t believe that I could ever be a bottom in a relationship because I like ass too much, and quite honestly I don’t have a small dick and I definitely like to use it. Now I got to this thought process, by experiencing all of the different labels they put on us as far as our role in the bedroom. I’ve been a top, a versatile top, fully versatile, versatile bottom and bottom. I will be honest, there are times where if the person has the right dick and knows how to use it, I can enjoy having a sexual relationship with them where I’m their bottom, however, I could never date them because again my dick has to get put to use inside a warm tight hole.

Also, I think being a top is so much easier, you have very little prep, just to make sure the dick is fresh and clean; while the bottom has to properly clean themselves, which takes time, and be prepared for a dude who might not know how to use the dick they got. At least you know that if you doing the fucking all you care about is if the bottom still has walls and is that ass squeaky clean. 

That though is where being vers make you have to prepare for it all. You gotta clean because you don’t know if you gone be fucking, getting fucked or both and no one likes to go into the nights events thinking they getting sum ass only to find out the other person isn’t fully prepared. A vers relationship also is less likely to get old and predictable, which lets be honest is a recipe for disaster sometimes too.

So take a little time and really think about what you like.. #top, bttm, or in between….

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Stepping Out on You…

If your significant other came to you and said they wanted to have a threesome would you do it? I believe it is this thought process where someone in the relationship has a wondering eye, or they feel like they haven’t accomplished all their sexual goals that the door opens for someone to cheat on their partner. For a man, its a lot simpler than it is for a woman. See a man will cheat just because he sees a nice body, a phat ass, a nice dick, or a pretty chest on a woman. For the woman, it’s so different. See they get their emotions involved, most of them anyway and will consider cheating to be physical or nonphysical. 

The truth of the matter is cheating takes many forms and can be different things. The most common form of cheating is physical. I have determined that for a man, physical cheating is their preferred method of choice; while for a woman the emotional, mental form of cheating is their usual method of choice. Unless of course they catch their dude cheating, then all bets are off and they usually seek revenge. 

The art of cheating has seemingly been perfected by the gay men, more specifically the Black, gay men. I cannot begin to count how many times I’ve had a friend call to tell me that their relationship ended for cheating. My first thought always is, you just caught them the last time; how many other times have you missed.

While all that context is nice and the reason can vary anywhere from ya partner not giving up the dick, ass, or pussy enough, to you having kids and the sex drive not being the same or because the kids are young there’s not enough time between work and caring for the kids. Maybe the person didn’t grow with you and their sex is still very basic and you want to become more of a freak and experience more fun sexual encounters. 

Whatever the reason behind it, I always wanted to know was it worth it? Did you get out of it what you wanted? Can you leave it as a one time thing or does the allure of doing it and not getting caught engulf you? Do you try to introduce that person into your bedroom business with your partner and see if you can have your cake and eat it too? Have you become such a skillful cheater that you’ve never been caught and if you haven’t would you ever consider telling your partner?

While all the answers to those question will come in another blog, maybe sooner than later, I will say that there have been occasions where I have cheated and to this very day, the individuals that I was in the relationship with when it happened don’t know that I did it. So I guess that answers the question for me: Will I ever tell them? Well I guess it all depends…

#Truth serum time…

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Rules, Rules, Rules…

Given that I have dated guys who have a shit load of rules, and also have dated guys who play it by ear and everything in between I feel that this topic really strikes also at the heart of why there are so many relationship issues these days. You know since there so many relationship guru’s and with Steve Harvey’s book, everybody seems to be looking for some set of guiding principles in determining who they want to date, should date, how long to date, when to act on the sexual urges, when to invite them to stay the night and all sorts of other shit.

Personally, I am not the guy who is all about “rules.” I think that yes, you should always have a guiding set of principles and a standard that you have for yourself, but it should not be so extreme that you don’t allow the natural order of life and love, emotion and passion to run its course and have a say in who you love, how you love and when you love. Far too many times, people rely on others instead of their innate ability to self determine who and what is right for them. As it is commonly said and I damn sure agree, what works for me may not work for you. I think today everyone sees a someone they know or respect or what have you in a relationship that looks successful on the outside and it may truly be successful, but the methods that that couple are taking to make theirs work certainly should be the basis for anyone else to make their decisions.

See to me the guy who wants to establish all these damn parameters and rules for how things will go to me is one who is really insecure and not able to control his own actions and emotions; so he enlists this laundry list of rules and time frames that determine when he will do this or when he will do that. And this is not reserved for just men, women are just as bad times, if not worse than men. The conscious effort to make a man wait a predetermined number of days or months before the next level things happen can definitely help determine if they are more interested in you or your body; but I also think that it can also dilute the process. What better way to really gauge someone then to allow situations to dictate how you do things and not some fixated number.

All rules are meant to be broken at some point and yes I do believe in that as well. Because you sometimes even the best laid plan doesn’t always work out as we intend it to. So my thought is why not have a mixture of the two. A little structure with a little instinctual behavior. See I believe the ones who really figure out how to deal with people the best are the ones who know how to blend the two and tailor it to each individual not a blanket set of rules for all.

So which type of person are you? Are you the strictly by the book kinda person? Do you like to let it fly and see let nature run its course? Or are you somewhere in between..prudent, yet still slightly unpredictable?

 

#Happy rule book hunting..

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Do U Care…

I truly believe that one of the biggest relationship killers today is the face that too many people are unappreciated by their boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband. You know as small as it may feel at times to have someone say to you that they don’t feel appreciated, you have to read through the lines to really understand what they are saying. See if someone is saying the feel unappreciated it also means they don’t feel wanted, they feel that they are just being strung along, they feel that the feelings they have aren’t mutual feelings.

Those feelings of inequality tend to lead to feelings of reclusiveness and a feeling of being alone. If that is the mind frame of your lover, then you can almost bet one of two things is going to happen next: one, they are going to break up with you or two they’re going to cheat on you. Why do you say does this happen. Well, lets think about it.. if the feelings mentioned above are truly being felt inside someone it means that they have tried to talked to you before about the situation and while the conversation was productive and lead to some temporary fix, the long term reality is that no change was realized and so you’re back to where you begin, feeling the same way all over again.

The truth of the matter is the person who is making you feel this way may not truly understand the magnitude of how you feel because there could be some personal issues that they are dealing with, which is affecting their ability to truly understand what is going on with you and how they are making you feel. So yes sometimes there can be a justifiable reason as to why the lapse in attention and care and affection has happened, but I think anytime you feel a change within yourself you owe it to your lover to express it to them as well. Because after all, you’re with someone to make a life together for better and for worse.

#Time to dig deep and think…

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A Cherry Popper…

If I had to think back to the times when this title applies, there are a few different occasions that come to mind. I can remember the first time I had sex with a girl, and it being her first time too. I remember the first time I was dicked down by a man and the first time I gave a dude the  business. These moments were special in their own ways because like it or not I was a cherry popper and also had my cherry popped.

This is one of my more fun conversations because it digs a little deeper, hits the emotions a little harder for some, but it ultimately raises the question: Do you like being a cherry popper? You see I know some dudes who enjoy popping cherries, both males and females, because for them it’s like a trophy and with some of their friends a game.. who can pop the most cherries, especially when they’re younger in their teenage years and early twenties.

I must admit that the first time I let a man get inside me, it was like somebody was trying to take my intestions out. LOL. And man, the pain from the first time will never be forgotten, nor will the cleanup after my cherry was popped. I’m not quite sure if that person know’s who he is, but if he does he will take it as a badge of honor to know that he was the first. It took me quite a while before I really felt comfortable enough to let someone go inside me deep enough to pop that elusive cherry and when he did, damn I was ready for it to be over. 

Ironically  enough, since that time, the number of cherries that I popped is a decent one, and quite frankly a number that I do not wish to grow any higher. For both men and women I have been a cherry popper, and while the initial thrill was definitely there, knowing that my dick was the first to grace the wetness, it also comes with some major after effects, namely that person being stuck, and attached to you because you took their one prize possession that they controlled the most.

The first cherry I popped was my first and only college girl friend, and boy did I kinda regret doing so. Mostly because she was just what I thought she would be..hooked to the dick, and also because that was the time that I was really in the internal struggle of preparing to out myself to not just her but to the world. We lasted thru Freshman year but that summer vacation is when all the beans spilled.

The first guy’s cherry I got, well that’s one for record books and the most recent cherry I popped was a shocker to me when it happened, but if I’m being completely honest, it definitely brought a smile to my face. I think the best thing about popping the cherry of someone you like is the events after the sex. The cuddling and laughing, the playing and joking, it all makes the experience worthwhile in the end. When pop the cherry of a random so to speak, the thrill is in the sex and afterwards you just want to clean up, maybe chill for a little and go on about your day.

I know not the most flattering of ways to mark the occasion but if you’re the cherry popper it’s definitely true. So I dare you to take some time and think back in your life, maybe it’s recent and maybe it’s not. Have you popped any cherries? When was yours popped and how did you feel on both ends of the spectrum, if it applies?

#Happy cherry picking!!!